


Moving On

by LostForeverInHisEyes



Series: Alex/Callen/Kensi [3]
Category: NCIS: Los Angeles
Genre: F/M, Family Drama, Life After Loss, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Romance, tags to episodes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-26
Updated: 2019-03-20
Packaged: 2019-11-05 22:03:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 52
Words: 73,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17927201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostForeverInHisEyes/pseuds/LostForeverInHisEyes
Summary: Psst. Callen Kensi fans. Over here! And those curious too:- Sequel to Dying and Letting Go. Snippets of the growing relationship between Callen and Kensi following the eps of the show. Guest appearances by Alex, Lily and James.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Bringing this over from FF, was written a long time ago and obviously Callen/Kensi not a possibility these days but I know there are some of you who are interested from the previous stories Dying & Letting Go. This is set just a bit after Letting Go finishes. There will be a little snippet, tidbit, maybe even a longish chapter with more than one scene, to add to the episode the title of each chapter relates to. It all depends on what inspiration each episode gives me to delve into the developing Callen/Kensi relationship. Alex, Lily and James will be making special appearances. First chapter is a prologue, just before Identity which will be the next chapter. Will go right through Season 1 & 2 and with a few select eps of Season 3.
> 
> Disclaimer- all but the OC’s are not mine. Thanks to those who do own the NCIS LA world for not putting a stop to our playing in their world and with their characters.  
> On with the show.
> 
> Will be posting a few chapters at a time. Would love to hear what you think of them.

* * *

It was Saturday night.

They were sitting on the couch, Kensi's feet in Callen's lap and the TV was on in the background. Neither could tell you what was playing. They were both a tad pre-occupied with what was going to happen on Monday.

Callen was returning to work. A little early, but he was sick and tired of having nothing to do and being out of the office. He knew his body better than anyone and as far as he was concerned, he was fit enough to return.

Their relationship had progressed over the last month since that day at Alex's grave; at least in the fact that they had one and it was more than just friends and team mates.

They were taking things slow. They knew that moving on from a traumatic ending of a relationship was going to be difficult and this was new ground for both of them.

Whilst Callen didn't feel the guilt anymore, the memory of Alex and their relationship was still there. He knew that what he felt for Alex was strong but he also knew that what he was felt for Kensi was just as strong, only different. It was going to be a learning curve for him to fully realise he could still have both of those feelings and not short-change Kensi at all.

Kensi had had more time to deal with the dual emotions and, whilst she didn't have the same issues as Callen regarding how recent he had started the healing process to accept the possibility of loving someone else, her love for James was still strong. She'd had more time to deal with it. Neither wanted to mess up the relationship by rushing anything, so the physical side hadn't progressed past making out on the couch.

Kensi jumped at little at the knock on the door that brought her out of her musings.

Callen raised an eyebrow and smirked. She stuck her tongue out at him.

"You going to answer that?" she asked.

Callen shook his head. "Your house."

"Close enough to yours too."

"Not officially. I still 'live' in that little motel room."

"Tell that to my fridge," Kensi retorted as she pulled her feet out of his lap and stood up. There was another knock on the door. An insistent, determined one.

"I'm betting it's Hetty." Callen stood up as well. He flicked the button on the remote to turn the TV off. "It sounds like a knock that won't stop."

Kensi opened the door and there was Hetty.

"Of course it won't Mr Callen. Why would I when I knew that you were both here?" The question was rhetorical and both knew an answer wasn't expected.

"What can we do for you Hetty?" Kensi asked. She closed the door and turned to their boss.

"I'm here to speak to you about Mr Callen's return to work."

Kensi and Callen looked at each other. Typical Hetty. Was it possible that she knew they'd been thinking about that too?

They all sat and Hetty looked them over. She smiled knowingly.

"Firstly, I am pleased to see that things are working out with the two of you. I honestly didn't think I would see the day when you would allow yourself to love again Mr Callen. I know how much you loved Alex and to see you opening up again is wonderful. The same with you Miss Blye, after everything you have been through." She was most pleased to see that the mention of Alex's name didn't bring about any pain in his eyes. That was also something she had thought may never happen.

Callen and Kensi glanced nervously at each other. Both of them had a feeling the discussion wasn't quite going to be as rosy as the start.

"But?" Callen prompted Hetty when he returned his gaze to her.

"But," Hetty smiled slightly. "This relationship cannot affect your work. I should split you up. Team mates in a relationship together do not tend to work out for the best for either situation."

"Hetty," Kensi started but Hetty held up her hand to stop her.

"I am not going to do so. I am giving you a chance to prove that the two of you are professional enough to work together, giving you a chance to prove that you are not two typical, average agents. Now Sam, Eric, Nate and myself already know of this relationship and that is how it is to stay. Director Vance does not and I do not intend on telling him."

"So what do you want us to do Hetty?" Callen asked. "Pretend that we're just team mates?" Callen wasn't entirely sure he could do that. He was sure he'd be able to work with Kensi but he was also just starting to get the hang of being in a relationship and he certainly didn't want to go back to what he was before. It had been hard enough opening up in the first place – closing down again wasn't an option. Not if he wanted this to work with Kensi - and he definitely did.

Hetty shook her head. "No. I'm not asking that of you. I'm just asking that you keep this relationship known only to the team and you keep it out of the field. The rest of the office should see that things are normal between you. You don't tend to work with many of the other teams so it shouldn't be too difficult to tone things down when they are around."

"We can do that," Kensi agreed, relieved that Hetty wasn't going down the 'you can't be on the same team together' route.

"Good. However, do remember, should this relationship have a detrimental effect on your abilities to do your job, I will not hesitate to reassign one of you."

"Anything else you want us to do?" Callen asked.

"Yes. Mr Callen you have aliases that you need to keep up. As far as anyone is concerned, outside of your team, you are not living here with Miss Blye. You have recently moved back to your hotel room now your recovery is done. Where you actually spend your time is up to you, but you need to keep up appearances."

"Sure," Callen agreed easily. That had already been in the back of his mind anyway.

"Very well." Hetty stood up. "Enjoy your final weekend of freedom Mr Callen. I shall see you both at the office Monday morning. Separate arrivals please."

"Of course Hetty," Callen replied.

Hetty moved to the door. She turned back to look at them and that smile she had given them earlier reappeared on her face. She left quietly.

Callen turned to Kensi. "So separately? Guess I'd better organise for Sam to meet me."

"Yeah," Kensi said though Callen wasn't entirely sure she even knew what he had just said.

"Kenz?"

Kensi pulled herself back to the conversation. "Do you think we can do it? Work together and not let it affect us?"

"Us or our job?"

Kensi took a breath. "Both."

"We won't know unless we try. But I think we can. We've been through a lot to get where we are. I don't know about you, but I'm not going to give up without a hell of fight."

Kensi smiled and moved into his arms. "Good. Be such a waste of these months if you did."

Callen grinned. "Yes, sharing your home with me has been such an awful experience for you hasn't it."

Kensi punched him affectionately. "Not awful, just trying and difficult and insane and…" Callen cut her off with a kiss.

"And?" he asked when he pulled back.

"Very good," she admittedly softly before dragging him back to continue the kiss.

 

 


	2. Identity

* * *

 

Kensi was walking past Nate's door when a hand shot out and dragged her in. For a split second she considered attacking, but the familiarity of the hand touching her stopped that reaction.

Callen closed the door and pulled Kensi into his arms. He buried his head in her hair and took a deep, slow breath. The scent from her shampoo calmed him. It wasn't an overly strong smell, just a delicate fruity scent, with more than a hint of Kensi to it.

"Callen?"

"Kenz, I …"

Kensi started to worry. This was very unlike Callen. His voice was … nervous maybe? Not strong and confident, teasing or flirty. "What is it Callen?" she asked quietly.

Callen lifted his head out of her hair. "I haven't felt that scared in a long time."

Kensi gave him a gentle smile. It had been a pretty rough day for all of them. More so Callen and Sam. "Of course you were scared. We didn't know what they would do to that little girl." Kensi's tone softened. "Did she remind you of Lily?"

"Not exactly," Callen said. "But it did make me wonder what kind of father I would've made. What kind of danger she would have been in if she'd lived." He frowned and his voice took on a hard tone. "What kind of father uses his child like that? What makes him willing to risk something so precious, put her in so much danger, for money?"

Kensi lifted her hand and cupped his cheek. Her thumb stroked gently over it, calming him. "Not the kind you would be," she assured him. "Lily would've had you and Alex. You would have protected her with your life, as Alex would have."

"I didn't protect Alex very well." His enemies had found him, taken her and Lily from him before he even knew he was going to be a dad.

"You are not like him," Kensi continued firmly. "Callen, Alex knew the dangers of your job. She accepted them. You were both capable of handling that kind of life. And I know how much Alex and Lily mean to you. I know how important family is to you. It's the one thing you've never had. I  _ know _ you would've done anything to keep Lily safe. And, if it came down to it, you would even give up this job and lifestyle to live a quiet, boring existence as some generic Mr and Mrs Smith or Jones."

"Yeah." Callen marvelled at how intuitive Kensi was. He would have given up this life. Even though he loved his job and had finally found a place that accepted him, faults and all. He'd never told anyone that, not even Alex. They'd never really talked about having kids. It was one of those future things they both figured would happen one day. They just hadn't been planning anything yet. "But I wasn't meaning then."

Kensi frowned, confused. "When then?"

"At that house where Sam and I were ambushed. So many bullets flying and …"

"It's okay. You made it. You didn't get hit. Sam was there with you."

"It's not that Kenz." Callen struggled to find the words to explain how he had felt, how he still felt. "For so long I haven't really cared whether I got hit or not. It's not fun and, of course it could kill me, but it was no big deal. Just a hazard of the job. A likely hazard. Today … Today was the first day in a long time where I did care."

Callen reached up and stroked her cheek. "I care because I have you now. I haven't felt this way since Alex."

Kensi placed her hand over his. "I'm glad," she said softly.

Callen let out a slow breath. "This is going to take some getting used to."

"What? Wanting to live again?"

"Yeah."

"I promise Callen, I'll help."

They heard voices outside the door and Kensi stepped back. "I'd better go."

"I'll follow soon."

Kensi checked carefully before slipping out the door. She sent Callen a quick reassuring smile before she left.

Callen stood where he was, leaning against the wall beside the closed door.

Oh yes, life was going to be a little more interesting now that he was trying to avoid bullets for more than skipping the recovery period.


	3. The only easy day

* * *

 

"How's Sam doing?" Kensi asked as they sat together on her couch. It had been a rough case, investigating one of Sam's own.

"He's okay," Callen replied. He slipped his arm around her shoulders and settled her into him. "Disappointed, but I think he understands that they were just trying to look after their own. He doesn't agree with what they did, but he understands the motive behind it."

"Must have been hard, having everything you believe in, basically your identity, questioned. He trained Holgate." It was the first time she'd seen Sam so tense over a case, not to mention the first time that she could remember that a case had been personal to Sam – unless it involved Callen.

Callen nodded. "I think that made it harder initially. But, as you said, they were close and deep down, Sam must have known that they hadn't completely ditched their SEAL code."

"Yeah." She snuggled a little closer.

"You know you got Dom a little worried." Callen grinned a little at the memory of his little chat with Dom after everything was over. "After Sam's 'training technique's' this morning and then watching you tear up a car. Poor guy probably feels like he has no idea what he's gotten himself in for."

"Dom's good. He's getting there and definitely got potential even though he's so young." Kensi wondered if Dom had mentioned the whole peeing incident. She was pretty sure he hadn't since Callen hadn't actually brought that one up. She still remembered the horrified look on Dom's face regarding that.

"Apparently you are very convincing as the pissed off girlfriend."

Kensi looked up at him and grinned. "Guess you'd better make sure you don't find out how good."

Callen raised his eyebrows but didn't look worried. "Just remember, it's not my car. It's Hetty's."

Kensi punched him playfully. As if she needed reminding of that – anything that related to work equipment was technically Hetty's. Callen fought back carefully and tickled her. Somewhere along the lines, he ended up on top and couldn't resist kissing her. Kensi responded, heated and passionate and Callen found himself getting lost in the moment and making his way down her neck with kisses as his hand slipped under her shirt. She moved, just as lost as he was and gave him more access and he took it. Callen wanted her. He wanted this relationship to progress and by her movements and responses so did she. He actually felt ready and it was the most amazing feeling.

Suddenly Callen found himself alone, on his back and on the floor. Kensi was standing up straightening her shirt.

"Kenz?" he queried. Kensi reached out to offer a hand to him. He took it and stood up. She let go once he was upright. Worry settled on him. He hadn't meant to rush her. He didn't think he was.

"I … umm … Sorry. I just." Kensi stopped and let out a breath. "I'm not sure if I'm ready. I want to. Honestly, I really want to. I just…"

Callen stepped closer to her, reassured that he hadn't completely read her actions wrong. "Kenz, I'm not going to rush this either. When the time is right,  _ for both of us,  _ we'll take that step."

"What made you and Alex take the step?"

Callen raised his eyes at the question. Kensi shook her head slightly.

"I'm mean," she continued, "aside from the physical attraction, why did you do it? Was it just physical?"

"Was it just physical for you and James? Kensi, do you really want to talk about why we decided to sleep with our previous partners?"

Kensi sat back down and looked up at him. Her brown mismatched eyes looking at him in earnest and completely serious. "I don't want details Callen. But the motivation. For so long, we've both been out of serious relationships. It's just been about the physical, nothing else. But now, it's more than that and I really, really don't want to screw this up." She waited so long for him to come to her, to realise he felt something more. Occasionally she felt out of her depth, and now was one of them. She wanted to find her feet again.

"And you think talking about this will help?"

Kensi shrugged. "I don't know, but maybe. It can't really hurt can it? I mean, I'm not jealous of what you had with Alex. And I'm not trying to pry."

"I know Kenz." Callen sat back down next to her. It was one thing they had discussed since that day at the cemetery. Kensi knew he saw Alex sometimes, she knew that he would always love Alex, but she also knew that Callen was ready for her and that there would be no comparisons between the two of them. He wouldn't do that to either of the women in his life that he loved. They were both different yet similar and both deserved to be distinctly separate. He was also pretty sure if he went down that road, neither of the women in question would let him get away with it.

Kensi turned, sitting sideways cross-legged so she could see him.

"I'll go first," she said. "With James, he'd been helping me through a really rough patch in my life."

Callen raised his eyebrows and she saw the concern and question in them.

Kensi smiled gently. "That story is for another time. We were watching some cheesy movie. I honestly can't even remember what it was called. We were teasing each other about it. Playfully punching and tickling." Kind of like we were just now, she added silently to herself. "Then we fell off the couch. I ended up on top of him and suddenly the moment got serious."

Callen watched the soft faraway look come into her eyes and smiled. Kensi hadn't talked a lot about James yet. They'd been a bit more focused on getting him through his issues.

"He reached up," Kensi continued, "tucked my hair behind my ear and said 'I'm yours, Kensi. Nothing will take me away. I love you.' I was stunned. I felt this huge shift in my emotions and it hit me like a ton of bricks that I loved him too. I kissed him and things went from there."

Kensi's focus came back to him and she gave a little shrug. "I mean, technically we hadn't even been out on a date. We'd been out as friends together, we'd spent a lot of time in each other's company over that eight months. I realised that in a way, we'd actually been dating for that time, just without the physical or emotional stuff interfering. We knew each backward and I knew I could trust him. It was the right time; it wasn't just a physical thing," she finished.

When Callen didn't start, she prodded a little. "Your turn."

Callen smiled and thought a little about how he and Alex came together. "We came close the first date," he admitted. "We both wanted to, but … somehow it was different. I wanted us both to be sure, not just caught up in the moment. The next couple of months were really busy for us both but we squeezed in a few dates here and there, or a lunch at the office." More than once he'd taken a 'wrong' turn so he'd end up closer to her office. "If one of us was near the other's office, we'd grab something to eat and share it. There was a time toward the end of those two months when I'd barely seen her for a week. She was busy with a case. Hardly had time to talk so I didn't even know what it was about. We had a date planned and I went to her place to pick her up. Her keys were still in the front door. I grabbed them and went inside. I was worried something was wrong."

Kensi could see it now in his eyes. Like he almost felt like he was back there. As she continued to listen quietly, she slipped her hand into his.

"It was so unlike her to leave the door unlocked," Callen continued, "let alone her keys in it. She was sitting there in a chair with 'War and Peace' open on her lap, page 213. She was crying. Not sobbing or anything, just had tears falling down her face. The pages were wet." He smiled at Kensi. "You can still see the water marks. I knelt in front of her, took the book from her and pulled her off the chair into my arms. I had no idea what was wrong, just that she was hurting and I wanted to stop it but didn't know how. She broke down then and the crying got serious. I think she stopped about half an hour later and looked up at me. Her eyes were red and puffy, cheeks streaked with tears and her nose red, but she looked so beautiful to me. It was her eyes. Always her eyes. They held so much emotion in them. You could read them easily, like a large print book." Callen chuckled a little. "She'd have made a lousy undercover agent. But she made a great detective. She cared and she wouldn't let a case go. Even if they had nothing to go on, it would still continue to buzz in the back of her mind."

He'd been grateful that they had managed to solve the case, because it was certainly one that he hadn't wanted to continue eating away at her because they hadn't managed to catch the bastard. An eight year old had been murdered. After the week of hunting and co-operating with the FBI they had finally found him. He didn't survive that encounter but unfortunately they'd been too late. He'd killed another child less than half an hour before they took him down. It had taken Alex a while to get over that one. Wondering if only she'd found something a little sooner. Callen shook his head and brought himself back to the story. Kensi didn't need to know about the case, but there was still a little more to tell her.

"She reached up and kissed me, then stood up and led me upstairs to her bedroom. 'I need you. I need us. I love you.' It was the first time she said that to me. I didn't remember anyone ever telling me that they needed me before that. Not like she did. She meant it, it was like she couldn't survive without me. It was scary to hear but it made me feel so special."

He remembered feeling about ten feet tall and as if he could take on the world and win.

Kensi smiled. "So for both of us it was the right time. It was special. It wasn't just physical."

Callen reached out, cupped her chin and tilted Kensi's head up to his. "It's not just physical for us either Kensi. I'm ready. But this won't go any further until we  _ both  _ are and only then."

Kensi smiled her thanks and curled up next to him. "You know we really need to do something about Dom."

"What about Dom?" Callen asked, slightly confused by the topic change.

"He doesn't know about us, and since you've been back I haven't been on any 'dates'. Probably should fix that before he gets suspicious."

"So you went on 'dates' before I came back?"

"He  _ thinks  _ I did. Sam would occasionally quiz me about my dating life whilst you were gone."

"Guess we'd better do something about it then."


	4. Predator

* * *

Callen and Kensi were alone in the bullpen. He moved closer and sat on the edge of the table next to her and kept his voice low.

"You and I are going on a date," he said.

Kensi looked at him. "Are you asking or is that an order Special Agent Callen?"

Callen had the grace to look a little apologetic.

"Sorry Kenz. Will you go on a date with me?"

"I only do first dates," she stated.

Callen's eyes narrowed. "Thought that was just a cover story for Dom?"

Kensi shook her head. "Nope. Don't do second dates."

"Well, at least give me a chance to see that fun, flirty, attentive girl you claim to be."

"So you want to go out on a date with Sam?" Kensi asked innocently.

Callen moved his head closer to her and held her gaze with his. "No. You and me, with Sam nowhere in sight or hearing range."

"You sound like you have something in mind." She turned her body toward his, the interest evident in her eyes.

"I do. Somewhere nice and private. Dinner and dancing and a chance to talk."

Kensi sat back a little, a slight wave of disappointment settling on her. "As if there is anywhere we could go where we could really talk. We'd be better off ordering pizza and staying home."

"Kenz," Callen said her name softly bringing her attention back to him. "Trust me. I know a place."

"Where?"

"I know a nice hotel. I'll get us a room. We'll order room service. No one to disturb us or overhear anything."

"A hotel room?" she queried. "With a bed?"

Callen couldn't help the image that flashed through his mind. Nor could he help the hope that flared that it would come true. He pushed it back and focused. "Yes, with a bed, but only if we are both ready. Otherwise it's just a private place for dinner and dancing."

Kensi lent forward toward him. "Sounds perfect."

"I'm sure it will be."

Callen and Kensi jumped apart and turned to see Hetty standing there looking at them.

"Miss Blye, perhaps you could head on up to Ops. The rest of the team is there waiting. Mr Callen and I will follow shortly."

Kensi looked at Callen apologetically. She had a feeling that they may have just overstepped Hetty's rules. She stood up and quickly left.

"Hetty, I'm-"

Hetty raised her hand and stopped him. "You weren't breaking any rules Mr Callen. However, had I been someone else, the rumour mill could have had something interesting to talk about at the water cooler."

"It won't happen again Hetty."

"Good."

Hetty turned to go but Callen stopped her with a question. "Why haven't you told the Director?" He was curious why Hetty was protecting them like this. He knew that she could get in trouble if Vance found out from anyone else. Though how much trouble Hetty would actually get in he wasn't entirely sure.

Hetty turned back and walked over to him. "Because, Mr Callen," she said quietly, "I have watched you, for lack of a better description, live in hell for so long. Not so much your life but your heart and it is wonderful to see you healing. Having the Director querying how the two of you were going working together as often as I think he would – not because he wanted your relationship to fail but because he is the Director and is concerned about the safety of those working for him – I felt would have been pressure your new relationship and life did not need. A little bit of breathing space is deserved after such a battle."

"So, we only have one boss breathing down our necks making sure we are following the rules?" Callen teased with a smile.

Hetty smiled back. "Given my stature, I doubt it is your necks I would be breathing down. Now, shall we go see what we can do about finding our missing UAV?"

* * *

"You're worried."

Callen turned at the familiar voice and saw Alex sitting there on the couch next to him. He hadn't left the office yet. It had been a rough day.

"Hi."

"Hi. You're worried," she repeated.

"What makes you say that?"

Alex lifted her eyebrows at the question, as if the answer should be obvious to him "Well, let's see. I'm here and generally that happens when you are worried about something."

"How do you know when to be here?" Callen asked. He couldn't predict when he would see her. She was just… always there when he needed her.

Alex smiled. "Because G," she said gently, "best friends always know."

"Yeah I'm worried," he admitted, dropping his head back on the couch and looking toward the ceiling. "So many bodies today. I mean it was only two but…" He trailed off, not quite sure where he was going with that.

"You know how I feel about that G. Whether it's one or ten in one day, it's always one or ten too many," Alex reminded him.

"It was also something Hetty said. About not worrying until it doesn't affect them."

Alex reached out and put her hand on his shoulder. He turned his head to face her.

"And you are worried about the fact that it doesn't affect you anymore."

She knew him so well. He missed that. Missed having someone who knew what he was thinking without him having to say it. Whilst he missed Alex, he knew that given time, and of course his co-operation, Kensi would get to know him that well too.

"Yeah."

"It does affect you G," Alex said. "It might not shock you anymore what some people can do to other people. It doesn't shut you down when you come across more bodies than you expect. It doesn't make you gag anymore, but some of that comes with experience at dealing with those situations and some of it comes with having dealt with the horrors of life and knowing how to switch off or focus on something else."

"So how does it affect me exactly?" Callen asked. "Cause right now, I can't think of anything and I really don't want my team to get to this point. How do I protect them?"

"You can't protect them G," Alex said in that tone that she used when it wasn't necessarily what you wanted to hear but needed to. It was soft, gentle and determined. "You know that. They know what this life and job entails. It's not a job where you get to see the best in the world. You see it at its worst. But you can help them learn to deal with it. The way it affects you now is to spur you on to find out who did it. To seek justice for those who can no longer do it for themselves. Like you and Nathan did for me. That is how it affects you. That is the man I fell in love with."

To hear it from someone else, that it did still affect him. That he wasn't so far gone and cold that it didn't matter anymore, was exactly what he needed to hear.

"Why are you still here?" Callen asked, changing the topic dramatically. "I'm better. The fights over. But … Why am I keeping you here?" It was something that confused him. Because whilst he knew he was getting better and he now had Kensi, he didn't want to lose this support he had in Alex being there. It was like she was his subconscious, keeping him on track.

Alex smiled. "It's my choice to stay. It's my choice to let you still see me when you call out to me. To be here for you in whatever way you need."

Callen frowned. "But you still love me. You said that's not going to change. This must be hard for you - seeing me with Kensi."

Alex shrugged. "G, I'm dead. You're not."

"Alex," Callen said firmly in the tone that he used before he would progress to her full name. He caught the twitching of the smile that flittered on her lips.

"All right. Of course it's hard," she admitted. "You know I still feel it all. I've told you that and I know it's not going to change. And yes, there is a part of me that hurts a little seeing you with someone else. Mostly though, I'm happy that you are living again - for real. But G, we were more than partners and lovers. We were best friends. That's why I'm here. That's why I want to be here."

"Alex." This time the tone was soft.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks," Callen said. "I needed this."

"I know."

Callen shook his head and grinned. "Yeah, I guess you did."

Alex smiled. "Now go home. Enjoy the rest of your night."

Callen lent across and kissed her cheek. "Thanks for still wanting to be here for me."

"Always."


	5. Search and Destroy

* * *

Kensi glanced around the bullpen and seeing only Sam working on some paperwork, she moved over and stood behind Callen and lent down, looking at his computer screen as if they were studying something for the case.

"You," she hissed softly, "are in trouble."

"For what?" Callen asked, narrowly resisting the urge to look at her.

"Not waking me this morning," Kensi said softly, her breath drifting over his ear and down his neck.

Callen managed to stop a groan in time so Sam, or anyone else, didn't pick up on it, though the slight chuckle from Kensi told him she hadn't missed it. Damn the woman and her ability to turn him on with barely any effort. It probably didn't help that the memories of last night were incredibly close to the surface and their date had been nowhere near long enough for him, even though it had gone on til the early hours of the morning.

"I woke you," he said quietly while his fingers tapped away at the computer.

"No, you didn't."

This time he did turn to face her and she was so close for a moment he couldn't think of anything except for what it would be like to pull her into his lap and kiss her. To tangle his hands in her hair that was loose. Possibly to cover a couple of marks that had been left behind. He'd discovered last night that he really liked her hair out.

"I did," Callen said firmly. "You told me to go. That you would see me here." Callen saw the look in her eye, the doubt that she remembered things quite right. "You don't remember?" he asked.

"Umm … Look, next time just make sure I'm actually out of the bed before you leave." Her voice was so low that he barely heard her.

Callen smirked. "So there is going to be a next time? Good."

Kensi rolled her eyes and moved away, ignoring his comment. Callen couldn't help the elated feeling that maybe, just maybe he would actually get that second date. Somehow.

Kensi sat back down in her chair and looked over at him. "You know my rules. Not gonna to happen."

Callen narrowed his eyes at her. He wasn't going to let her get away with that. A second date was definitely on the cards. He'd just have to figure out how to get around her rule and convince her.

_Who said a date had to be only one night?_

The voice was distinctly Alex. Callen chuckled to himself. One of the things he'd always loved about Alex was her ability to creatively see around a problem. Apparently she was now sharing her talent with him.

Callen rose from his chair and moved to stand behind Kensi. He lent down and whispered in her ear. "Well then, we'll just have to go with the other option. Our first date hasn't finished yet and won't be for a very, very long time."

With that Callen walked away before she could answer. He glanced back to see the shocked look on Kensi's face gradually shift to a smile and a shake of her head. Sam caught his eye with a questioning look but Callen just smirked and headed off.

_Thanks Alex._

_You're welcome._

* * *

_(In the car after he'd dropped of Walton Flynn)_

"G?"

Callen didn't know how long he'd been sitting there in the car for after Flynn had disappeared before he heard her voice. He didn't turn to look at her though.

"Am I using her Alex? Am I using her to get over you?"

"No."

"How can you be sure?"

"Because I know you. You've been in love with her for a lot longer than you think. I just helped you see it. It has nothing to do with trying to get over me, G."

"I can't do this with her," Callen protested. Maybe the date had been a mistake. Had they rushed things?

"Yes you can." Alex said firmly. "And no. You didn't rush into anything."

Callen shook his head. "This kind of life was never made for attachments or relationships. Lone wolf. That's the kind of life I should be living."

"No." Alex put her hand on his shoulder as she spoke but he didn't turn to face her. "The kind of life you should be living is the one that makes you happy and fulfilled. Now your job fulfils that desire for justice and Kensi fulfils the personal side," Alex added.

Finally Callen turned to face her. "She's in danger."

"Yes, and not just because she's with you. She's made her own set of enemies. Maybe not as many as you but they are there."

"I should –"

Alex shook her head. "Stop G. We've been through this before. You love her and there is no way I am letting you walk away from the second best thing in your life."

Callen couldn't help the slight laugh that escaped him. "Second huh? Would that make you the first?"

Alex grinned. "Maybe. Maybe it's Sam or Hetty."

The smiled dropped from Callen's face. "This guy tonight, Flynn. He was right though. Teaching my kid baseball in the park, it's not going to happen."

"Why not?"

"Because there is a high likelihood of me dying soon."

"Not if I have anything to say about it."

Callen looked back to her. "Not interested in me joining you yet?"

"Nope. Spent too much time fighting to keep you alive. Not going to stop now. _Especially_ since you've finally started opening up and loving again."

Callen studied Alex for a moment. He remembered everything he'd gone through when she'd died. Remembered everything they'd had before that. "Can I really keep her safe?" he asked. He didn't want to let Kensi go, or push her away. He just wanted her safe and not to have to go through it again. Maybe he was being selfish though. Maybe he was just wanting to protect himself.

"All you can do is love her and protect her how you can G." Alex ran her finger gently over his cheek and caught the lone tear that had escaped him. He closed his eyes at her touch. It was as comforting as it always had been. "You know there are no guarantees," she said softly. "I'm sure Kensi feels the same way. Go home G. Don't run from her."

Callen opened his eyes but she was gone. Checking the mirrors he pulled away and drove back to Kensi's apartment. He hadn't planned on going back there tonight but he needed to decide whether this relationship could continue. And he needed to see her to help.

* * *

 

Callen slipped into her apartment quietly and with the light from the bathroom he sat on the chair and watched her sleep.

He didn't think he could bear to watch her die like he had with Alex. To lose them both because of who he was and enemies he'd made. Losing Alex had almost destroyed him. Losing Kensi on top of that – there would be no almost about it.

"Callen?" Kensi's voice was soft and sleepy. "Though you weren't coming tonight."

"Changed my mind." He'd been planning on staying at one of his other places, that of an alias he had neglected a little lately.

"So why are you over there?" she asked.

"Just thinking."

"Uh oh. Not good."

Callen chuckled and stood up. He shucked his pants, shirt, shoes and socks before he moved closer to the bed.

"Much better," Kensi teased softly as she lifted the covers for him.

Callen slipped under the covers and she moved into his arms settling her head on his shoulder and her arm around his waist.

"Want to talk about it?" she asked.

Callen thought for a moment before deciding. "It scares me to think of losing you like I lost Alex. I've made enemies Kenz. Ones who don't care who they hurt to get to me. It's not going to be a simple or safe life for you with me."

Kensi sat up and looked at him. "You been talking to Alex?" she asked.

Callen looked her in the eyes and realised she didn't seem to mind this other person in their relationship. "Yeah. How did you know?"

Kensi smiled. "Tough times are when I tend to still see James. I don't mind, Callen," she assured him. "She's probably a little more confidential than Nate since she's not going to be interrogated by Hetty."

Callen smiled at that.

"Talk to her all you want Callen. You need someone to be able to talk to."

"I have you," Callen admitted.

Kensi reach out and stroked his cheek gently, similar to what Alex had done earlier, only there were no tears to catch this time. "Yep. Two sets of ears are always better than one though."

"Kenz."

"Yeah?"

"I love you," Callen said. "I'm going to fight for this. For us. I won't run. At least I'll try not to." It was a promise he made to both of them.

"You do, I'll come find you," Kensi replied seriously. "I'll find Alex, that is if she doesn't find me first, and she'll know where you are and she has already talked to me twice so I know she'll help me out."

"Twice?"

Kensi looked a little guilty.

"Kenz?"

"That night you had the nightmare about her dying. I had a dream and she was in it, telling me to wake up, to go to you and help because she couldn't."

"You met her then?"

"I didn't know it was her until I saw the photo. Just thought it was a weird dream."

Callen smiled and pulled her back down into his arms. "I'm glad she woke you."

"Me too," Kensi said as she settled her body close to his. "Now, I don't know about you, but I've got to get up early for work."

"We work at the same place Kenz."

"Yeah but you aren't always on time. I'm not fond of getting on the wrong side of Hetty."

"She's a softy if you know the right way around her. Plus, it's not like you're always on time. Take this morn-" Kensi's playful punch stopped him there.

"Don't go there. Not unless you want me to call you on your woeful gaming skills."

"Night Kenz."

"Night Callen."

"Kenz?"

"What?" she asked slightly exasperated and tired.

"You can call me G if you want."

Kensi lifted her head and smiled. "As much as I would love to do that. I think it might be better if I didn't."

"Not even when we are alone?" Callen asked.

Kensi shook her head. "I think it would be a big flag that something was going on if I slipped up, since Sam is pretty much the only one to call you that."

"Yeah, I guess you are right."

"I tell you what though," Kensi said, "if we get to a point of everyone knowing anyway, I'll change then."

"Deal. So that would be a definitely sometime in the future."

"Sounds good."


	6. Killshot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was a little tricky. Not a whole lot in this episode Callen/Kensi wise so hopefully you'll enjoy this little tag to the end.
> 
> Enjoy.

 

* * *

 

"Do you have a nemesis like Kai is for Vance?" Kensi asked as they got into bed.

Callen ran his fingers over her shoulder as she curled up into him and rested her head on his shoulder. "A few."

"Want to tell me about them?"

"You tell me yours and I'll tell you mine."

"Don't have any. Still just a young thing!" she joked. She had some enemies, just not like this.

"Let's hope you don't make any."

Callen's tone was serious and Kensi lifted her head and looked at him intently.

"So?" she prodded

"There was the one that killed Alex but I took care of him in the end so I doubt that he counts anymore. There's this one guy in Afghanistan. We've had about half a dozen close calls but neither of us has managed to take the other one out. Don't have to worry about him though unless I end up back there."

"And?" Kensi prompted when he paused. Somehow she felt that wasn't it.

"There's this one girl."

"Girl huh?" Kensi queried with a lift of her eyebrows.

Callen smiled and shook his head. "Nothing like that. I took down her father and she witnessed it. She ran but she's sworn that if it's the last thing she does, she'll take me down too." He held Kensi a little tighter as he felt the tension rise in her. "Luckily she thinks that alias died a few years ago. We had one too many run-ins and Hetty took 'him' out of commission."

"How many run-ins?" Kensi asked concerned. She knew he had enemies but she wasn't expecting someone to have such a personal grudge against Callen.

"Only three, but that's three times too many. It was a fight to survive with all of them. Not as bad as this last time but still, hospitals, surgery and major recovery time." Admittedly those three had taken place over a span of fifteen years.

"You think she believes 'he' is really gone?"

"I don't know. Hope so. Cause she's got some talent with weapons." He'd never been able to get close enough to her to explain. He wasn't even sure if she knew exactly what it was her father had done and why he needed to be taken out.

"Care to show me a picture so I know what to watch out for?"

"Don't have one. She changes her looks every time but I know her eyes." He'd never forget the pain in them. She'd obviously loved and adored her father and he knew that she would never forgive him. He wasn't even sure if he had been able to explain whether she'd change her mind or not.

"Well that's not going to help me protect you from her is it?"

Callen grinned and pulled her down onto his chest. "Just protect me from all women and I'll be fine."

Kensi smiled and rolled her eyes. Callen felt the tension leave her a little and relaxed himself.

"All women?"

"Yeah. Not too hard a task for you is it?" There was a definite challenge in his tone.

"Oh I can handle it. With one exception."

Callen lifted an eyebrow in question.

"Hetty. She's all yours."

Callen rolled Kensi over and looked her in the eyes. "You're the only one who is all mine," he said softly before kissing her and making sure the conversation was forgotten for the rest of the night.


	7. Keepin' it Real

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those unsure who James is, (that would be those who have only popped into this story and not read Letting Go) he is Kensi's Fiance who died and she still sees, a little like Callen still sees Alex. I hope you enjoy meeting him.

* * *

 

 

_ (pre-episode) _

"You should tell him."

Kensi jumped a couple of inches off her seat and turned toward the all too familiar voice as her hand went over her heart in some misguided attempt to slow it down.

"James," she said sternly.

"Kensi." His look and tone was about as innocent as a child caught with their hand in the cookie jar but not caring at all that they had been caught.

Kensi shook her head in mock irritation. He'd never really responded to that tone.

"Tell him what?" She sat back on the couch and took some quiet deep breaths.

"What you told Nate," James said. "The real reason you don't go on second dates."

"You were there?"

James lifted his eyebrows. "I didn't need to be there. I know you, Kensi Blye. The good, the bad and the gorgeous."

Kensi dropped her head back on the couch. "You know I don't know what's worse. That you know so much – especially after … you know … you died. Or that my heart is still racing because I got scared by a ghost."

James chuckled. "I'm not a ghost."

"A figment of my imagination then." Kensi groaned. "That's even worse. I'd never live this down if the guys at work found out."

"Lucky they won't. I'm not telling anyone. And, honestly, I prefer Angel or subconscious apparition or even spiritual guide. Ghost and figment of your imagination don't do it for me."

Now it was Kensi's turn to chuckle. "So what is my reason then? For not doing second dates, Mr Oh-So-Wise Angel of mine."

"Guilty. You still loved me."

"I still do," she admitted softly.

"I know," James said in that gentle voice that had brought her back from the brink of despair more than once. "But it's different now and you don't feel guilty anymore. You have no reason to … now or then."

"So call me an irrational female then."

James laughed and shook his head. "I would but I remember your punches could hurt and I'm not game to find out if my angel status negates that kind of inflicted pain."

And with that teasing remark, somehow, in the way that was just James, he took the last of the tension out of her. Because she had been tense, she had been worrying about how things were going with Callen and the whole dating thing. Which was probably why she'd jumped so much when he popped in. She'd been so lost in her own thoughts. "So I should just go on a second date. Say yes and let it happen."

"Good grief no." James grinned at the look on her face. "Make the man work for it. You did me. Let me enjoy the entertainment of seeing how he gets around you."

"You would enjoy that, would you?"

"I would enjoy anything that makes you happy, Kensi Marie Blye. Now think about it. He's come a long way with you. Perhaps it's time for you to take another step of your own toward him."

James lent over and kissed her on the cheek.

"James."

"Yeah?

"Promise me you'll stay out of my sessions with Nate."

James paused before he grinned cheekily and finally answered her.

"I promise I'll stay out of your sessions. But I can't promise that I'll stay out of your head. You're far too irresistible."

Kensi closed her eyes, smiled and shook her head. When she opened them again, James was gone.

* * *

 

_ (During episode) _

"Do you think she knows?"

"Who knows?" Callen frowned, confusion clear on his face at Kensi's question.

"Hetty."

"What could Hetty possibly know?" A smile twitched on Callen's lips as he realised what he had said. Because everyone knows Hetty knows just about everything.

Kensi grabbed Callen's arm and pulled him to a stop before they entered the hotel. "That we were here?"

"Kenz, we paid cash for the room. We didn't even drive our cars here. No one could possibly know."

"Yeah but Hetty's not no one. What if she was here when we were?" Hetty had mentioned that this was a great place for a staycation and it definitely seemed like she had actually been here before.

"Kenz. Stop. What did we do when we were here?" Callen raised his eyebrows suggestively and ran a quick heated gaze over her.

Kensi didn't quite know what to say to that as memories of their first night together flooded her mind.

"We didn't leave the room," Callen continued. "Not even to check out the rooftop pool at night. The mojitos were from room service. We didn't go to the bar and when we arrived and left we checked things thoroughly before going anywhere. Hetty wasn't here." He frowned. He'd left before here. "You did check things right when you left?"

"Of course I did," Kensi replied with a slight roll of her eyes. "And, since I was late," she emphasised late so he knew he was still in trouble for not waking her properly, "Hetty would have already been at the office when I left anyway."

"There you go. Hetty couldn't possibly know. Score one for us."

"You know what, I think I'd be willing to place a bet that she does know."

"What do I get when I win?"Callen asked.

Kensi smiled. "Who said you'd win?"

"Hetty doesn't know. But when I win, I get that second date. We come back and check out that pool." Callen pulled her close. "Alone and forget the swimmers."

Kensi felt her blood heat at the look in his eyes. She took a deep breath and saw the desire flare in his eyes as her breasts rose and fell against his chest. "Why is it that is sounding like a bet I wouldn't mind losing, just as long as you can guarantee no one else is around?" she asked softly.

"Oh I'm pretty sure I can guarantee that." Callen waited, patiently hoping for an agreement for that second date, though with her body pressed against his and her lips so close, he also had other things on his mind.

Kensi cleared her throat. "Umm, we should get back to work."

"Hmm, work?"

"Yeah. You know that thing we do daily that we aren't supposed to be letting our personal relationship interfere with."

Callen nodded as he managed to follow her conversation, at least a little. "Or else Hetty will split us up," he added.

"That would be the one."

"Then what are you waiting for, Special Agent Blye?"

"You to let me go Special Agent in Charge Callen."

"Oh."

* * *

 

_ (post episode) _

Callen made his way back to Kensi's after handing over the cash to Agent Giordano. Kensi opened the door at his knock, smiled and stepped back to let him pass.

"Hi," she said.

When Callen didn't step through the door, Kensi frowned.

"What's up?"

"Nothing. Just… Come have dinner with me."

The end of her recent conversation with James flashed through her mind.

"A Date?" Kensi queried with a smile.

"No. Just dinner."

Kensi studied Callen's face for a few moments, but she couldn't read him. Something was up. "All right," she agreed and grabbed her handbag and jacket.

Twenty minutes later they were seated in a secluded spot in a small Italian restaurant near the beach.

Callen hadn't said much on the drive or since they had been seated. He seemed preoccupied.

After a few minutes Kensi prodded. "Callen? What's going on?"

Callen looked back to her. "I'm sorry. Just … I was thinking about Alex… and about you."

"Why?"

"Agent Giordano."

"Ah." Kensi nodded. "The flirty FBI Agent."

Callen smiled a little. "She never stood a chance against you."

"So Hetty suggested."

"She never stood a chance against Alex either. Even if they did look similar."

"So you were a little interested?" Kensi fought back the jealousy that flared. She'd been fighting with it most of this op since she'd realised Agent Giordano was interested in Callen.

Callen shook his head. "She reminded me of Alex and I guess I responded to that a little. The blonde hair, cop factor." Callen shrugged. "That was where the similarity ended though. Giordano was forceful and pushy – not flirty."

"You flirted back."

"She didn't respond to the 'Don't go there' vibe." Callen smiled softly and Kensi knew he was thinking about Alex. "Alex on the other hand could read me like a book. She might not have known at the beginning what I was up to but she always knew I was up to something. She could also take a hint. But then I could read her too so knew when to continue even when she said she wasn't interested."

"She said no often?"

"Yeah. First date was a while in the making."

"Would you have pushed if you hadn't been able to read her?"

Callen shook his head. "No. Well at least I would have probably taken a different tactic with her. Tried to make friends first rather than push the date thread."

"You know," Kensi said gently, "you haven't talked much about the relationship you had with her."

"I know. And I want to change that. I don't want secrets. I know that you know Alex isn't a threat. But she was a big part of my life and I want you to know that part of me. That part I can give you. Some parts of my life I can't. I don't even know some of them."

Kensi could sense the discontent he felt, not knowing so much about his childhood or family.

"Whatever you want to give," she said by way of encouragement.

"Alex was so easy to read and she loved her job, as awful as it was. She had such a soft and gentle way about her – and I don't mean physically. Unlike Giordano who was harsh, brash and determined to steam-roll her way to what she wanted. There was something about Alex. I could never put my finger on a word to describe it but she was approachable, comforting, accepting. Once, I saw her questioning a kid who'd been through some pretty bad stuff. He'd clammed up so tight he wouldn't say a word to anyone, not even his name. Yet she got him to talk. It amazed me that she managed to make this kid feel so safe that he opened up to her."

Callen smiled. "I'm pretty sure she used that technique on me too, only it wasn't really a technique. It was a look and tone to her voice that just smashed through any barriers and made you believe in the impossible."

"She sounds pretty great."

Callen nodded. "She had a hopeless poker face for interrogation so Nathan usually took care of that. You couldn't read him in an interview even if you had a manual. But, if the case was seriously close to her heart, there was no one more terrifying to be faced with than Alex angry and questioning."

Callen reached across the table and took her hand.

"Kenz, You're not like Alex, yet you are. You are so different but you've both given me something to live for. Someone to trust and to love. Someone to have faith in and depend on. And not just as a team mate. This is different, this is personal and it's something I will always treasure."

"I think I would have liked her."

"I know you would have."

"Yeah, I would've. She gave you to me so she can't be all bad."

Callen chuckled and picked up the wine glass. Kensi followed and waited.

"To the two women of my life. My past and my future. Both who are amazing cops, of sorts, and I couldn't imagine anyone handling me better than the two of you." He grinned. "And God or someone else help me if you two ever gang up on me again. I don't stand a chance."

They touched glasses and took a sip. Kensi lowered hers and tried to wipe away the tears that had dripped onto her cheeks. She knew how closed off Callen usually was from personal relationships and to have him admit how much he treasured her input into his laugh had been the undoing of her calm exterior. Callen noticed and leaned across the table to take care of it.

"I'm mean it Kenz. I love you and I trust you." While he was still leaning over he asked, "So Kensi Blye, how about that second date? Give me a chance to fix the mistakes of the first one."

Kensi cleared her throat. "Hypothetically, if I agreed, what would you change?"

Callen sat back and smiled. "One, I'd make sure we didn't have to go to work the next day."

"Why didn't you do that this time?"

"Because I didn't want to wait six weeks to take you out and the hotel was booked up that far."

Kensi nodded slightly in conciliation of the fact that she wouldn't have wanted to wait that long either. "Two?"

"Two, I think we should skip the dancing and make the most of the pool as previously mentioned."

"This is sounding promising. Anything else you'd like to change?"

"Definitely improve on the morning wake up."

"Deal."

"Deal?" Callen repeated surprised that she had already agreed. He had more up his sleeve to help.

"Deal," Kensi repeated.

__


	8. Pushback

* * *

 

Callen took another mouthful of his beer. He was standing on the back porch at Alina's house, looking out over the garden. He'd been here, in the bright spot from his past, long enough that darkness had descended and the stars were out. He gave a wry smile when he heard the lightest of footsteps join him.

"Hetty."

"Mr Callen."

"That's two."

"Two what?"

"Alex and Alina. Two women I've cared about that have been killed because of me. How many more am I going to lose?"

"Are there many more out there?"

"Kensi … and you," Callen admitted.

Hetty chuckled softly. It surprised Callen and he finally turned his head to face her.

"Trust me Mr Callen. If anyone was to come after me, there is a 99.9% chance that it will be because of something I have done. And you would only make up a very small part of that last 0.1%"

"What about Kensi?"

"What about you?" Hetty countered.

Callen frowned not entirely sure where Hetty was going with that question.

"It is not your fault, Mr Callen. Alex and Alina. Their deaths are not on your head. If someone wants to come after you, either through you or someone you care about, it is not your doing."

"If it wasn't for me, they'd both be alive."

"If it wasn't for meeting you, Alex wouldn't have met the love of her love. She wouldn't have had three years with you. She loved the man you are, enemies and all, and was willing to take the risk to be with you. You do remember what she wrote in her letter don't you?"

"I remember Hetty. I'm not likely to ever forget. What I don't know is why she let me do this job. She encouraged me even though it scared her. I knew that it did. Yet she never asked me to stop or do something else. Why? Why did she put herself in such danger?" He'd never asked her either, even though he could see it in her eyes. That ability to read her so easily meant that she had very few secrets from him. Usually he used that to his advantage but on this matter, he'd done his best to ignore what he knew.

"That is something I can't answer," Hetty replied. "However, if I were to hazard a guess, I would say that she did it because she loves you."

"And Alina? Why was she looking into this? Into me dying? She barely knew me and she was so young when I was with them."

"You barely knew her or her parents but you remembered them. What would you have done for them, if someone had come after them? Would you have come back and tried to protect them?"

"I tried not to look back, Hetty."

"Tried, but were not successful."

"Not completely. But I stayed away to keep them safe."

"I repeat, it is not your fault, Mr Callen. You were not the hand on the gun that took their lives."

"I might as well have been."

Hetty straightened up. "Mr Callen. Trust me, if you had been the one behind the gun, you would not have pulled the trigger. You do not kill people just to get at someone else."

"Hetty," her name came out on a sigh, "you know what I did after Alex died."

"Yes. I do know," Hetty confirmed. "I also know that you didn't kill anyone who was innocent or anyone else for that matter just for 'the heck of it'. Your main reasons behind pulling the trigger may have been personal; however they were not the only reasons. Had they been, I would have raked you over the coals and done more than just suspended you long before I did."

"Hetty I…" Callen trailed off.

Hetty's voice softened considerably. The change in tone took Callen off guard.

"Callen, please believe me. You are nothing like the men who took Alex and Alina's lives. It was not your fault."

Callen couldn't find any words to respond and Hetty took that as her cue to leave him to his thoughts and left as quietly as she had come. He turned his gaze back to the garden and looked out. The scent of lilies and freesias drifted over him. Then he saw her, walking by the flowering bushes at the back of the garden. He smiled, put down his beer and moved across the lawn to join her.

"Hi," Alex said softly when he was at her side.

"Hi."

Callen watched as she moved to smell one of the flowers.

"You want to know why I didn't stop you joining OSP."

The question took Callen by surprise, not that it should have. After all, according to her she was always there which meant she knew exactly what had transpired in the conversation between him and Hetty. "One of the many things I didn't find out. I was scared to ask," Callen admitted.

Alex turned to him and smiled gently. "You weren't someone who liked a lot of rules to do your work by. Rules held you back and frustrated you. You'd been through almost every agency there was and when you talked about working with OSP, your eyes lit up. You were excited and you obviously wanted to go there. I'd watched you get slightly more down about work over the year before. I knew why you joined DEA. You wanted to make a difference after one of your team mates died when you uncovered a drug operation when you were expecting something else. Malcolm died. You didn't want to let it be for nothing so you moved agencies to be part of those who tracked them down and cleaned up the world."

"Malcolm was a great agent. We should’ve known."

Alex's hand went to his arm. "You didn't. No one did. Not even DEA. It was as much news to them as it was to you. With them yes, you made a difference but it wasn't your dream. With OSP," Alex smiled again, "it was like you'd found your way home."

Callen reached out and stroked her cheek. He shook his head. "No. Home was when I found you."

Alex's eyes sparkled. "Okay, I'm not going to argue with that. I'll rephrase. It was like you'd found your calling. Somewhere you could be who you needed to be to get the job done without having to worry about too many rules. Your hands would no longer be tied and you would have a great deal of support behind you to do it."

"But it was dangerous."

"Yes. I knew that. But if I'd stopped you, every time I'd look at you and not see that sparkle, that excitement about your work, I'd know it was because of me. I'd have lost you bit by bit, day by day. And it's not like the work you did anyway wasn't dangerous." Alex paused for a moment. "G, it's not your fault that I died."

Callen pulled away abruptly. "They killed you because of me."

Alex put her hand back on his arm and turned him back to her. The pain was clear in his eyes, magnified by Alina's death as well. He saw it reflected in hers, as always.

"Yes," she admitted. "They killed me because of you. But that doesn't make it your fault. No more than someone jumping out a window onto your car to kill themselves is your fault because of where you parked the car."

"Alex-"

"Not finished yet."

Callen shut his mouth and waited. He knew that tone and it wasn't one he'd ever successfully argued with.

"You were only with them three months," Alex continued, "but they made a huge impression on you. Don't you think you made one on them too? Alina obviously cared about you and when she thought you were killed, she wanted to help find out who did it and get them. She did that the only way she knew. Not with guns or fists."

"She shouldn't have."

"Why not? She's just like you. Does that mean you shouldn't have tracked down mine?"

Callen frowned. "I don't understand."

Alex smiled knowingly. "You went and figured out who did it and took them down. You avenged my death. It's exactly what she did as well. Only she didn't survive the process. You did. Though you didn't care if you did or didn't live."

"Arkady shouldn't have let her."

"Perhaps he shouldn't. But let's try and figure out something good from this G. If she hadn't been the one taking the photos, there never would have been photos of you on the memory card. Because of that, you were brought in on this investigation. That wouldn't have happened if it had been anyone else. Alina being there; it led you to the bad guys and you got them. Without you involved that may never have happened. She died, yes. But she died doing what she really wanted to do. Get the one responsible for the shooting of her big brother."

Callen shook his head. "She –"

Alex cut him off. "Stop and listen please," she begged, in a soft tone eerily reminiscent of the tone Hetty had used with her last comment earlier. "I'm almost done. G, you are an amazing man, a loving man. You  _ are _ worth dying for." Alex shook her head when he opened his mouth to deny it. "Yes, you are. On the flipside, you are also a man very much worth living for and if I'd had a shred of a chance to do that I would have fought so hard to stay with you." Her eyes glistened with unshed tears and Callen stepped closer to pull her into his arms.

Alex pulled back, stepped out of his arms and smiled. "Tag."

Callen frowned.

"Callen? Are you here?"

He turned toward the voice. Kensi's voice. He turned back to Alex but she was gone.

"I'm here Kenz," Callen said. He stepped back up onto the porch.

Kensi stepped up beside him, her shoulder brushing his. "Are you okay?" she asked quietly.

Callen nodded. It was an automatic response because he wasn't quite okay. "How'd you find me?"

Kensi shrugged a little guiltily. "I asked Eric to track you down. I was worried about you."

"I'll be fine Kenz. It's just been a rough time."

Kensi slipped her arm around him and rested her head on his shoulder. "It's not your fault. You know that right?"

Callen couldn't help the laughter that bubbled up.

Kensi lifted her head, confused by his reaction.

"You know," Callen said, "I knew you and Alex were a force to be reckoned with and that I probably wouldn't stand a chance against the two of you. But when you throw Hetty into the mix." He shook his head and continued. "That's just overkill."

Kensi still looked confused so Callen explained. "So far tonight Hetty, Alex and you have been working that same detail. It's not my fault."

"Well it's not," Kensi repeated firmly.

Callen reached out and tucked Kensi's hair behind her ear. "I think I'd better start believing that because I really don't want to end up with the three of you joining together to come after me at the same time. I'm not entirely sure if I'd live to tell the tale."

Kensi smiled. "Us girls who care about you will do what we have to do."

"I know." Callen pulled her back into his arms and stared out at the garden again.

"It's beautiful here," Kensi said softly.

"Yeah. The best three months that I can remember of my childhood were here." He could clearly see the memories of him and Alina and her parents. Of spending time and playing out here. With a ball, digging in the garden, eating dinner. So many things. It was his first real memory of feeling like a part of a family.

"Why did you leave?" Kensi asked.

Callen shrugged. "I don't know. Some bureaucratic paper shuffle sent me onto the next place. I was never really told why."

Kensi looked up at him. "Any favourite memories you want to share?"

Callen smiled. "Actually, how about we go for ice-cream?"

"Ice-cream?"

"Yeah. There's this place that's still around I think, not far from here, that we used to go to when I lived here. I'll tell you some stories there."

Kensi stepped back and held out her hand. Callen slipped his into hers and they moved quietly through the house, making sure he locked the doors as he went. It wasn't until they were walking down the path that Kensi spoke again.

"So, have you decided when we're going on that second date?"

Callen grinned. "Worried about what to pack?"

"A girl needs a little time to get organised."

"Don't worry. You won't need much."


	9. Ambush

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part of the enjoyment for this chapter for me was figuring out why Callen was so … snippy (maybe not quite the right description but it will do) with Sam for coming in to him, cause IMO there was more to it than just bantering between partners.  
> Hope you enjoy.

* * *

 

_Callen and Alex _

"G."

Callen turned and saw Alex sit down next to him on the sand. It was late afternoon and the sun was getting ready to set.

"Alex."

She studied him for a moment, the look was one he knew well. "Seriously G, you really need to stop getting hurt."

"Hey, not my fault. I had things under control until Sam came in as if he was the cavalry."

"Come on, G. Are you okay?"

Callen smiled. "I'm fine, Alex," he assured her. "Just a headache." And a little of the heart too.

"And Kensi?"

Callen shook his head. "You're not here about the head are you?"

Alex shrugged and didn't even have the grace to look a little guilty. "Not really."

Callen looked down toward the waves and took a deep breath. He noticed a little girl playing near the water's edge. She looked familiar.

"Is that Lily?" he asked.

"Yep. Don't change the subject G. Tell me about Kensi," she said with a gentle little nudge of her shoulder into his.

Callen sighed. He hadn't seen Kensi since late last night. "I freaked out. She was out there alone."

"Not alone. She had Renko."

"She should've had Sam too."

"So that's why you're so mad at Sam," Alex said. "Not because he came in to try and help you, but because he had your back instead of hers?"

Callen reigned in the anger he felt at Sam. He knew it was misplaced which was why he hadn't said anything to Sam, though he had lost it a little with Kensi. "Yeah," he admitted.

"G," Alex said gently but firmly, "you know she is a capable agent. More than capable. She wouldn't be working with you if she wasn't."

"I know but I could've lost her."

"And she could have lost you."

Callen looked over at her again. "We both freaked out a little over that," he said. A little was an understatement considering the way things had gone last night when they'd finally wrapped things up and gone home.

"No kidding." There was a hint of a cheeky smile to Alex's lips and he tried not to smile. She had a way to draw one out of him in almost every situation. Something else he'd never quite worked out how she did it, like getting him to talk.

Callen turned and focused on Lily for a moment whilst he thought. This time he did smile as he watched her leap out of the way of the waves as she searched in the sand for something.

"I was just doing my job," Callen finally said. "It was dangerous but I knew they'd have my back."

"How do you think she felt knowing you were knocked unconscious for goodness knows how long? Not being there with you? Knowing that it was just her and Renko out there to try and get you and Sam out? After everything she's been through with you lately, getting a little freaked out about it is expected. And G, you do remember that I got more freaked out than Kensi did and you didn't react this way."

Callen turned and looked at her. "I remember," he said with a smile that she didn't expect. "How could I forget the moment when I knew some day I'd marry you?"

He remembered how quiet she'd been in the hospital, barely saying anything though never leaving his side for those four days after a mission with the DEA had gone south. Two while he'd been unconscious and two after he'd woken up. Then they'd arrived home and she'd turned to him and completely lost it, ranting for about fifteen minutes before she'd slid down the wall, tears pouring down her face and admitted, in the only words that he'd actually been able to make sense of, that she didn't know if she could survive if something happened to him.

"What? How … I went off at you and you decided then you'd marry me?"

"Yeah."

Alex finally got rid of the shocked look on her face and smiled back. "Took you long enough to propose then, since we'd only been together a year." It was almost three years by the time he did.

Callen chuckled. "True, but a guy really doesn't want to ask that particular question unless he is quite confident of a yes."

"G, the answer was always going to be yes. I wouldn't have been with you if I didn't think we'd make it."

"Doesn't mean I knew what your answer would be. But that day, even though I didn't technically hear anything you said while you were ranting at me, I could see everything you were trying to say in your eyes. I knew you loved me. I knew you were scared. I knew you had no idea how to protect me from getting hurt like that again. I also knew you wanted to drag me away from my job and keep my safe but that you wouldn't."

"I couldn't. I was so scared seeing you lying there in the coma –"

"Unconscious."

"Coma," Alex reiterated firmly. "You were so still, so pale and I had no idea if you'd come back to me. I was more scared than I had ever been in my life before that. Even with everything I'd seen and done with my job. I went through every possible scenario on how to keep you safe, how I could get you to quit. Even thought about just plain begging you to quit or suggesting we had kids and you to stay home and look after them whilst I worked to support us."

"Really?"

"Yeah. But I couldn't ask you to stop fighting the bad guys. Just like you couldn't do that to me either. It was who we were. It was one of the reasons I loved you. Kensi loves you too. It part of the reason she freaked out, like I did."

"I know, but you didn't really understand what my job entailed back then. Kensi does."

Alex might have known the theory, but the reality he'd kept from her as best he could.

"G, Kensi might be a tough and talented agent but she's still a woman who is in love with you. Just like I was. Forget the agent side of her and react to the woman that she is. There are two sides to her, just like there was me. They don't always match up. Don't think that just because she _knows_ what this life is like that it's going to change how that other side of her reacts to situations on a personal level, even if she can handle it in the field."

"When did you get so wise?"

Alex smiled. "After that freak out. All the things I'd seen with my job didn't prepare me for that moment. I realised that nothing that I knew from my job was going to help me be any less scared or worried for you and what you did. You are the man I love and I wanted to do anything and everything to make sure you never got hurt again but I couldn't do that without changing who you were. I couldn't change who I was either. I figured I was always going to be that scared and that I could either lose it all the time or just accept it and try to stay a little calmer. You know it took a while, but I got there. And then when I was able to help find you when Walsh took you, I finally realised that I could protect you – at least in that I would do everything I could to find you and get you back and I was pretty good at that."

Lily came bouncing up to them at that point and handed Callen a shell. "For Kensi," she said.

Callen looked down at it and ran his fingers over the extremely smooth soft shell that was white. He turned it over and on the inside of the shell it was a beautiful purple colour that blended out to pink.

He looked back up and smiled at Lily. "Thank you. It's beautiful."

Lily moved closer and kissed him on the cheek. Callen was shocked that he could feel it.

Alex did the same.

"You know what to do G."

He looked at her, still slightly confused by the fact that he'd felt Lily's kiss. "What?"

"What you do best," she said. "Follow your instincts and your heart. It'll take you where you need to go."

"I hope so."

Alex shrugged. "If it doesn't, trust me. I'll be back and send you in the right direction. And it definitely won't be subtle"

Alex stood up and took Lily's hand. "Bye G."

He smiled at both of them.

"Bye Daddy."

They turned and walked away. Callen watched them until they started to disappear. He took a deep breath and then went to stand up but there was something in his hand that stopped him and he looked down.

The shell from Lily.

He looked back to where he had last seen them but they were gone. Again he wondered just what it was that was happening to him with Alex and Lily. He shook his head and stood up. Honestly, he really didn't want to analyse it. After all, whatever it was, it was a good thing. Definitely a good thing.

Callen tucked the shell carefully in his jacket pocket and walked back up the beach to his car.

Instinct and heart Alex had said.

Instinct told him to go to Kensi.

He'd let the heart take over when he got there.

* * *

 

_Kensi and James _

"You know if you slam the fridge any harder you'll have to get a new one. And you hate shopping for things like that."

Kensi spun around, a six pack of beer in her hands that she'd pulled out of said fridge before she closed the door – or slammed it as James put it.

"I like shopping," she protested as she moved past him to the couch and sat down. James sat down next to her as she opened the first beer and took a deep gulp.

"Not for whitegoods. Clothes, shoes, especially shoes, movies and decorative stuff, yep. But not whitegoods."

"Shut up," she said good-naturedly. He was right. Of course he was right. She hadn't actually changed all that much in the basics of who she was since he'd died.

"So why are you taking it out on the fridge? It didn't do anything except keep your beer cold."

Kensi glanced sideways at James. "Taking what out?"

James lifted his eyebrows. "You know what I'm talking about Kensi Marie."

Kensi sat back against the couch. "He's an idiot. He walked in to that compound. No back up, no ear wig, no weapon. He could have been killed." The fury in her that she felt rose again. Okay, so maybe it wasn't completely fury. Her emotions probably included a bit of terror in there as well. Working with the man you loved in this line of work certainly had moments of difficulty.

"Kensi, he did his job. You know that."

"Did his job? To put himself out there to be killed? That's not his job!"

"Yes it is. It is his job to do whatever he needs to do to keep others safe. Just as it is yours."

"Just as it was yours," Kensi said softly and her anger dissipated with his sane words of wisdom.

James sat a little closer and his shoulder rubbed against hers. "Just as it was mine."

"I can't lose him James. Not again. Three strikes I can't do."

"Who said you are going to? Maybe you'll just hit a home run this time and come home a winner."

Kensi chuckled.

"Now that's what I like to hear," James added.

Kensi reach forward for a beer and held it out to him.

James looked at her curiously and shook his head. His lopsided grin forming as his spoke. "Kensi? Really? You think I can still drink?"

"Just hold it," Kensi said with a roll of her eyes. "Makes me feel less like I'm drinking alone."

"Maybe you shouldn't be drinking at all right now."

"James Kevin Brentwood! Are you suggesting I'm emotional and the alcohol is going to go straight to my head?"

The cocky smile on his face was more than she could fight and she collapsed back against the couch and started to laugh, one she didn't want to stop. It was a nice feeling after the last couple of days. Between the mission, Callen's injuries, their fight and not having seen him since he walked out the door late last night, she was a bit of an emotional wreck. She'd expected to see him at the office this morning when she went in to take care of the paperwork, but he'd already done his and gone for the day. He'd also told Hetty that he needed some alone time and only to call him if it was an emergency. Which was why Hetty had refused to get Eric to turn his phone on for her when she couldn't get hold of him. Hetty had assured her that when Callen had settled down, he'd contact her. Kensi just hoped that was sometime soon.

"Kensi Marie Blye," James said when her laughter had settled a little, "you know full well that when you are highly strung and emotional, alcohol goes to your head as quickly as –"

"As quickly as a shoe sale grabs my attention."

"Something like that," James agreed.

Kensi sighed and put the beer down. He was right. Normally she could drink anyone under the table, including Callen and Sam. But not when she was like this. She'd never worked out why but she knew it happened.

"What am I going to do, James?"

"Apologise."

"For what?" Kensi asked a tad heatedly.

James just looked at her.

She sighed again. "For telling him off for being an idiot when he was just doing his job. For telling him he wasn't behaving like an experienced agent but a silly little boy with a hero complex. For –"

"Those would be it. You don't have to go on okay. I know what happened."

"I wasn't the only one who went nuts."

"I know. But both of you had a reason for it and both of you need to figure it out – together."

Kensi smiled. "Just like we used to."

"Nope, I was always right," James replied cheekily. Kensi through the pillow at him.

"As if," she added.

"Kensi, just talk to him. Be honest with him. It'll work out. Just cut him a little extra slack. He's still got a long way to come to catch up with how far you've moved on from losing me. Alex's loss is still raw in some ways. It's healing but it still hurts and it's going to affect how he reacts to things for a bit longer."

"When did you get to be so wise?"

James smiled sadly. "After."

"I miss our talks."

"What are you talking about? I'm here whenever you need to talk."

"Yeah but it's not the same."

"Cause I can't drink the beer?"

"Something like that." Kensi lent closer and put her head on his shoulder. "Thanks for coming."

James dropped a kiss on her head. "Anytime. Good luck with Callen."

Kensi lifted her head to smile at him but James was already gone.

* * *

 

_Kensi and Callen _

Kensi didn't know when Callen would be home so she ordered pizza for dinner. It could be reheated easily enough. Assuming he came home that is. After everything they had said to one another, maybe he'd just prefer to stay at the office, or wherever he'd spent the day. She hoped not.

The pizza had arrived and she was in the kitchen staring at it, trying to figure out whether to keep it warm or not when the door opened and Callen stepped through.

Callen smiled tentatively at her as he put his keys down on the small table near the door.

Emotions flared in Kensi and she almost cried there and then that he had come back to her. She hadn't wanted to admit it but she'd had this horrible feeling deep down that she'd pushed him away and he wouldn't come back. Leaving the pizza on the bench, she flew to him and wrapped her arms around him almost knocking him to the ground.

"I'm sorry," Kensi whispered, her voice thick with emotion and the tears that were threatening to flow. She really was a mess right now.

"Hey," Callen said softly, his arms wrapping around her tight. The ferocity of her reaction to him walking through the door stunned him.

"I'm sorry for everything I said." Kensi lifted her head and looked at him. "You're not a silly little boy or an idiot or-"

Callen caught her lips in a kiss to stop the rambling. Kensi almost melted against him and returned the kiss with an intensity that took them both by surprise. When oxygen deprivation became a serious consideration Callen pulled back and sucked in a deep breath.

"Apology accepted," he said with a smile. "Though I'm pretty sure I've got just as much to apologise for.

There was cheekiness to his words and Kensi smiled. "Pizza just arrived, if you're hungry."

Callen shook his head. "We can reheat it." He slipped his hands lower to her hips and lifted her up. Her legs wrapped around him automatically. "There's something more important right now."

Kensi raised her eyebrows before moving her head to his neck just below his ear. "What might that be?" she asked before she caught the bottom of his ear between her teeth and tugged gently.

Callen moved them into the bedroom and followed her down onto the bed, holding his weight off her. "I need to show you how much I love you. How much I trust you. How sorry I am as well."

Callen didn't feel that he could find the right words, but somehow he knew he could show her.

Kensi stroked his face. "I know all of that. Things were tough yesterday," she said. "I understand. We were both doing our jobs. It was just a bit more scary than normal." She grinned. "However, I'm more than happy for you to continue with the first one and not worry about the rest."

"How much I love you?" he asked, checking they were on the same wavelength.

Kensi's hand travelled down his chest to his pants and started working on his belt. "Yep, that one. Don't mind if I do the same thing do you?"

"Not at all," Callen replied as he dropped his head down to kiss her deeply.

It wasn't that they were avoiding talking to each other about the day, but that they needed this. Callen was following his heart. Making sure that Kensi knew, without any shadow of a doubt that he loved her. Because right now, that was the most important thing to take care of after a day like they'd had with the mission and the fight. Everything else would wait.

Just like the pizza.


	10. Random on Purpose

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a hard one since there wasn't much Callen/Kensi in the episode but thanks to a couple of reviewers when I originally wrote this the bunnies managed this one.

* * *

 

 

Callen used his key to enter Kensi's apartment, Chinese takeaway in hand. They'd had a rough day with Abby's kidnapping and were looking forward to a quiet evening. Abby had decided she really didn't want to go out for dinner so was heading back to Eric's for the night before leaving for Washington the next morning. She said it was just a little too close to the last time she'd gone out and her subsequent kidnapping and near death experience.

Kensi smiled at him and brought the plates to the table. They both sat and ate in companionable silence for a while. Kensi was the first to say something.

"Do you think Hetty is pushing this a little – putting our desks together like she has?"

Callen grinned mischievously around his mouthful of food. He swallowed then asked, "What? Are you worried you can't concentrate when you are that close to me?"

Kensi rolled her eyes. "No. It's you that I'm worried about," she retorted. "You have trouble keeping your hands to yourself. I'm fine with it."

Callen opened his mouth but was stopped by a knock on the door. Kensi got up to answer it.

"This conversation isn't over Special Agent Blye," Callen said, just before she opened the door.

"Abby," Kensi said in surprise.

Abby walked through the door. There was absolutely no surprise on her face when she saw Callen sitting at the table.

She moved over to him; a serious expression on her face.

"Please tell me Gibbs knows about the two of you," she said.

"What?" Kensi asked.

"Look, I like it. You two seem perfect for each other but I get the feeling that not everyone knows, which is why I came here rather than ask you in the office."

"Is it that obvious?" Callen asked. They thought they had been doing quite well keeping it out of the office. Dom still didn't seem to be suspicious of them at all.

"To me, yes. To others," Abby shrugged. "You don't really want me going in on the ins and outs of pheromones and pupil dilation and tiny body language things do you?"

"No," Callen agreed. He'd heard about Abby through Gibbs and knew she saw things many others didn't. Including trained agents. Her insights, talent and bubbliness were a few of the things that Gibbs said made up for her 'slight' craziness and disregard for some authority (perhaps most) figures.

"So," Abby begged, "does he?"

"No," Callen replied.

Abby sat down abruptly. "You have to tell him."

"The Director doesn't even know Abby," Kensi added. "We couldn't put Gibbs in the position to lie to him."

"Of course you could." Abby turned to Callen. "You know he wouldn't say anything. If anyone can keep secrets it's Gibbs."

"True," Callen agreed. Barely anyone knew about Shannon and Kelly. Gibbs definitely knew how to keep personal secrets.

"So, will you tell him? Preferably before I get back to Washington tomorrow. I can't keep things from him okay. The Director, McGee, Tony, even Ziva – as long as she doesn't get me alone, but not Gibbs."

Callen smiled. "All right."

"Callen." Kensi's tone was one of warning and he knew about what. Hetty wouldn't like this.

"Kenz, even Hetty wouldn't want to put Abby in that situation. Abby's not an agent like us. Gibbs would eat her for breakfast if he got wind she was keeping something from him. Especially about me."

Kensi sighed. "You tell Hetty then."

"I'll take full responsibility."

Abby smiled and jumped up. She kissed and hugged them both before heading to the door. "Thanks guys. Oh, when did you two get together?" she asked before she left.

"A bit after the shooting," Callen answered.

"Oh. I remember that. Gibbs was worried about you. Nice to know something good came out of it."

With that she left.

Kensi raised her eyebrows at Callen.

"It'll be fine, Kenz. Hetty will understand."

"Yeah? How are you going to convince her?"

"Simple," Callen replied. "Hetty likes Abby's talents – If she wants to make use of them again, not a good idea to get on Gibbs' bad side."

"What about Hetty's bad side?"

"What about it?"

"I don't want to be on it."

"You won't."

* * *

 

Later, after they'd finished dinner and some passionfruit cheesecake, Callen stood up to leave.

Kensi joined him by the door. "I really wish you didn't have to keep up these aliases. I miss you when you aren't here."

"Is that because I can't keep my hands to myself?" he asked teasingly.

Kensi rolled her eyes and shook her head. Callen pulled her into his arms and kissed her gently.

"I miss you too," he said. "But at least you should get a good night sleep without me wandering around for most of it."

Kensi shrugged. "I've gotten used to your nocturnal wanderings."

Callen grinned. "Nice to know. See you tomorrow."

Kensi locked the door behind him and did a quick tidy-up before heading to the bedroom. She sat down on her bed and started brushing her hair. She stopped when she caught sight of the shell Callen had given her a few days ago. She picked it up and smiled. Apparently Lily had given the shell to Callen when he'd been at the beach after the incident with the terrorist group. She hadn't asked how it had happened. She had simply believed him. After all, on occasion she'd had some strange things happen when James visited her too.

"Hi," came this quiet little voice.

Kensi looked up. "Lily?" She had only seen the little girl once but it wasn't hard to see the similarities between father, mother and daughter. She was the perfect combination of Callen and Alex.

"Hi," Lily repeated. "Do you like it?" she asked tentatively, glancing at the shell in Kensi's hand.

Kensi looked down, smiled and looked back at Lily who had just wiggled onto the edge of the bed next to her. Not close enough to touch but close enough that Lily obviously felt comfortable with Kensi. Mentally Kensi shook her head. It wasn't like she could do anything to harm Lily.

"Yes, I do. It's beautiful. Thank you."

Lily smiled and Kensi felt such a sharp pain in her chest that it almost took her breath away. That smile was so Callen and she felt such pain and loss that he'd never gotten to know his little girl.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," replied Lily.

"Why did you give this to your dad for me, rather than him?"

Lily looked at her for a moment before replying, like she was trying to figure out how to word her answer. It seemed a strange thing to do for a little girl of five. She had relatives around the same age and their words just tumbled out.

"I wanted you to have it to remind you of my daddy." Lily looked back down at the shell. "It's a little like him. Not much to go on from the outside, hard to read and rough, but if you can get underneath," she looked back up and smiled, "He's pretty cool and amazing."

Kensi smiled back. "Yes he is."

Lily's looked went from cute to serious. "I don't want you to give up on my daddy. You make him happy. He needs you."

The tears started to make their way into Kensi's eyes but she blinked them back. "I won't give up on him. I promise Lily."

"Good."

Lily slid down off the bed and started to the door. She turned back and smiled. "Bye Kensi."

"Bye … Uh, Lily," Kensi said, stopping the little girl from leaving.

"Yes?"

"Where's your mum?" she asked. There was something strange about a little girl being in an almost stranger's house, even if said little girl was an angel or something similar. The protective side of Kensi made her check on that.

Lily grinned. "She's near. She felt this was more time for just the two of us. Bye." She left then, skipping out the door and down the hall.

"She liked it, Mummy." '

"Of course she did, Sweetheart," came the reply to the little girl's words. Alex.

Kensi jumped up and ran out to the hall but they were already gone. She went back to her room and sat down, looking at the shell once more. Hard to read but worth getting underneath. That was definitely Callen. She hoped one day that the getting underneath factor would get a bit easier. In the meantime, as she had promised Lily, there was no way she was going to give up on Callen. She'd loved him and needed him as well.


	11. Brimstone

* * *

Callen pulled Kensi to a stop in the hallway just after the entrance to the office.

"What?" she asked.

"You're a romantic," Callen stated confidently.

"Am not," Kensi denied.

"Yep. You went all gooey when she told you about their relationship story today."

"So? It's a beautiful story. Doesn't mean I'm a romantic."

Callen shrugged. "Then I guess I shouldn't kiss you here."

Kensi's eyes went wide; full of two emotions. One of wanting and one of wariness. "Of course you shouldn't. Why would you even think of doing something like that? You know what Hetty would say."

Callen glanced up. "Hetty's been decorating. I don't think she'd mind this time."

Kensi followed his gaze and saw the mistletoe hanging from the roof. How Hetty got it up there, Kensi wasn't going to ask. Unfortunately the picture of Hetty with white fluffy wings had already made it into her mind.

Callen started to move away. Kensi stopped him and he grinned at her.

"This does not mean I'm a romantic," Kensi warned him, "but since Hetty obviously has no objection, I don't see why we shouldn't follow tradition."

"Romantic," Callen repeated before he kissed her. Not a passionate kiss; as much as he wanted to but a soft, slightly-lingering-but-not-long-enough-that-anyone-who-didn't-know-they-were-together-would-suspect-anything, gentle one.

Sam cleared his throat. "You two done?"

Callen pulled back and looked at Sam. "You want a turn under the mistletoe do you, Sam?"

"Not unless it's with Kensi," Sam joked.

"She's taken Sam, so I believe are you. So it's me or no mistletoe kiss for you," Callen bantered back.

"None then." Sam turned and walked away. Kensi and Callen followed, Kensi quietly chuckling.

"Did you really want to kiss Sam?" Callen asked.

Kensi shook her head. "Nope. Wanted to see you kiss him though."

Callen frowned, "I'm not sure if I should be worried about that fantasy of yours or not."

"Not," Kensi said. "Definitely not a fantasy. Mine only contain you and me."

"Good to know," Callen said as they joined Sam and walked into the main area of the office and learnt just how far Hetty's decorating spree had gone.

Callen sat back on the couch, glass of Hetty's special 'tea' in his hand. He watched Kensi and Sam talking to a highly animated (thanks to the tea) Hetty and smiled.

"Kensi's not the only one who went gooey," Alex's voice came from beside him.

"Excuse me. I did not." Callen turned to look at her. She had that smug, sweet smile of hers on her face. The one when she knew exactly what was going on inside him even if he didn't.

"Yes. The whole Elly/Tariq story. How he accepted her and took care of her as if he was her own. Made you go all gooey and don't even try and deny it G. I know you too well."

Callen shrugged. "Not gooey, but it was a beautiful story. It's what every kid deserves. Parents to love them and protect them."

"And that is exactly why you make an amazing dad."

"In my head maybe," Callen said, turning his head away from her. He'd never had the chance to be a dad to Lily. It was all just his imagination.

Alex put her hand on his cheek and turned him back. "Your heart, G. You love Lily with everything that you have to give, and she didn't even make it into your arms. You fought for her, even after she was gone, to get those who hurt her. And one day, when a child finally makes it into your arms, for real, however that comes about, you will love him or her with everything that you have as well."

"How-"

Alex's finger rested on his lips to stop the question she knew was coming.  _ How do you know that? _

"Because G, I know you. I know your heart. And I know how much love you are capable of giving."

"Let me guess, way more than I think is possible."

"G," Alex shook her head gently at him, "how am I going to prove to you that love is limitless? You love me. You love Lily. You love Kensi. And you love each of us with everything you have to give. Even when you appear to hold back or seem distant, you're there – completely. You would do anything you could for any of us. Can this be my Christmas present to you? Can you believe me? Believe that you are capable of this?"

Callen looked into her eyes and he had a very hard time not believing her. She had so much faith in him and what he could do. But he didn't. "You really think…" He didn't need to finish. She was already nodding.

"I think and I know."

It took a few moments before he decided that some things were worth a leap of faith. She had so much in him and he hadn't known her to be wrong when it came to things like this – trusting her instincts and who she put that faith of hers in. So he agreed and hoped that he could find a way to have as much faith in himself as she did. "Okay. Christmas present it is. Thank you."

Alex smiled. "So, are you nervous?"

"I am. How did- " This time he stopped himself. Of course she knew. "Just a little," he admitted. Kensi had family at Pendleton and this was the first time he was going to meet them, even though they'd been together for months now. She'd insisted that she wasn't spending her Christmas celebrations without him and he could suck it up and come. He'd raised his eyebrows at the determination behind her phrasing and Kensi had changed tactics, promising him it wouldn't be that bad and she'd make it worth his while. It hadn't really taken much convincing though he'd certainly milked the situation – which they had both enjoyed very much.

"G, she's been without someone for so long. They are just going to be happy that she's happy, finally trusting and loving someone again. No need to be nervous."

"I know."

"Plus, it's about time you enjoyed Christmas."

Callen glanced over at her. "I guess it has been a while."

Alex smiled. "Just a bit."

"Mr Callen," Hetty interrupted. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine Hetty," Callen said. "Just enjoying the entertainment."

Hetty looked doubtful. "Really? Were you even listening to the stories that have just been told?"

Uh oh. Now he was definitely caught out. "Sorry Hetty. I was just … thinking about Christmas and stuff." Close enough.

"Good," Hetty agreed. "Do you happen to have a favourite Christmas memory to share as the others just have?"

Most of his favourite memories had to do with Alex, but weren't entirely appropriate conversation. He smiled when one story came to mind. Those in the room all knew about Alex. "Not exactly," he said as Kensi came to sit next to him and Hetty and Sam took a seat across from them. "But I do remember a story Alex told me about her favourite Christmas. Will that do?"

Callen glanced at Kensi to take in her response. She seemed interested. He turned back to Hetty.

"Absolutely Mr Callen. We would be delighted to hear it."

"Alex was sixteen and she'd broken her arm a week before Christmas. Her and her parents were supposed to be going skiing over Christmas but her parents postponed it until she could actually ski. She was really disappointed because she'd been looking forward to a white Christmas." Callen smiled at the memory of the happiness that Alex had shown with this memory. "Somehow her parents found a supplier of fake snow and managed to cover the floors of her bedroom, the hall and stairs as well as the lounge and dining room. I don't think they got any sleep that night. She woke up to her very own white Christmas miracle."

"Wow!" Kensi said. "That's pretty amazing that they managed to do that."

"Yeah," Callen agreed. "She meant the world to them and they always pulled out something crazy at Christmas. I think that was when she started having a little more faith that miracles could happen."

"Did that really happen Mummy?" Lily asked. Alex and Lily were up on the balcony watching the celebrations below.

Alex looked at her daughter and smiled. "Yes, it did. I thought I was dreaming when I woke up that morning."

"So, can we give Daddy a special Christmas miracle?"

"What should we do?"

Lily grinned. "Snow."

"You want me to make it snow?"

"You can do anything - right."

Alex chuckled softly at the trust and faith Lily had in her. "Let's see shall we?"

Lily turned and watched expectantly.

Callen felt something tickle his nose and swiped at it. Then it happened again and something made him look up toward the balcony. He saw Alex and Lily. Alex smiled and looked up. He followed her gaze and his eyes widened and he saw it was snowing. He blinked to clear his vision, just in case. But when he looked again, it was still snowing – inside. He looked back to Alex and hers and Lily's voices made it to him.

"Merry Christmas G."

"Merry Christmas Daddy."

He mouthed his reply and then turned his attention back to the snow. It was fluttering gently through the air but wasn't actually staying once it touched something. He smiled. They must have been listening to that story.

"Hetty." Sam's tone was curious. "How did you make it snow?"

Kensi lifted her head from Callen's shoulder to look up as well.

"Hetty?" Sam repeated.

Hetty shook her head. "I may have pulled off some miracles in decorating this abomination," she said as she indicated the Christmas tree, "but this is not my doing."

"Then who?" Sam and Kensi asked together.

Callen subtly nudged Kensi and steered her gaze in the right direction. She saw Alex and Lily looking down at them with a smile. She remembered the story Callen had just told and knew then who had made the snow.

Callen tilted her head up to his. "Merry Christmas Kenz."

Kensi smiled. "Merry Christmas Callen."

"A Toast," Hetty said, interrupting them before they could kiss.

Hetty topped up their glasses.

"To Christmas Miracles." Hetty looked at Callen and Kensi. She smiled knowingly. "To miracles of all kinds."

They all took a sip and Callen did have to wonder just how much Hetty knew. He didn't really have time to wonder for long before Hetty made one final toast. A strangely worded one, but it certainly brought about happy thoughts for the future.

_ "Go home, find a wench, raise fat babies and live a good long life." _


	12. Breach

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first little bit in italics and bold, is directly from the show – I've altered the lines a little after the italics to make it work for this. Not like the story isn't AU anyway right?  
> Hope you enjoy.

* * *

 

**"** **_On the street it's called blackmail. In government, it's leverage," Callen said._ **

**"** **_Speaking of leverage," Kensi replied, "Hetty told me that I needed to give in all my case reports every Friday by five…."_ **

"And yours aren't ready?"

Kensi smiled seductively. "I actually have plans for tonight. Was hoping you could convince her to give me until Monday."

"I'll see what I can do. Kenz," Callen stepped slightly closer and lowered his voice. "About tonight…"

"You're not backing out are you?" Kensi asked. "I was looking forward to that swim."

Callen smiled. "So am I. It's just … With everything with Moe and Sam, I'm a little worried about the big guy. Thought I'd make sure he is okay first. I promise, I'll be there. Just don't know when."

Kensi glanced over at Sam. She turned back to Callen and smiled. "You take care of him. I'll be waiting."

"Thanks Kenz. If you get hungry eat, don't wait for me. We've got the whole weekend. The room's booked til Monday."

Kensi grinned. "Quite a long second date you have planned."

"Got to make sure you enjoyed it. Angling for an easier time to get you to agree to the next one."

Kensi smiled. "I don't think you'll have a problem. I'll see you later."

Callen watched her walked away before heading over to Sam.

( _ Later - at the hotel) _

Callen stepped into the room at the hotel. Kensi was on the couch wrapped in a white fluffy bathrobe flicking channels on the T.V. She turned it off when she saw him and smiled.

"Just in time for our pool booking. We've still got an hour left."

"I just need to grab a shower first," Callen told her. Sam had just wanted to keep running.

Kensi shook her head. "Nope. You can cool off in the water. Go get changed. Trust me Callen," she smiled mischievously at him. "You don't want to keep me waiting any longer."

Callen slipped away and followed her orders. He'd already kept her waiting for four hours.

The pool was all theirs. No one to bother them, or witness what they got up to. Considering how much pounding of the pavement he'd just done, he was surprised to find the thought of being with Kensi was enough to rejuvenate him.

Callen dropped his towel onto a chair near the pool and turned to Kensi. She smiled and he went to pull her into his arms for a kiss but found himself in the water instead when she pushed hard against his chest. He came up from under the water to hear her laughing.

"What was that for?"

"Sorry Callen, but you did need to freshen up a little before I get that close to you."

"Really?" he asked. "Am I fresh enough yet?" he asked, moving closer to the edge. If he was lucky, he'd be able to tug her in too.

Kensi grinned and stepped back just out of his reach. She crouched down and looked at him. "Yep, but you are wearing entirely too many clothes. I do believe you promised me no swimmers."

Callen held her gaze, the heat in it helping him find some other source of energy that he didn't know existed in him. "I did, but I do believe Kenz, you are wearing more than me."

Kensi stood up. "I don't think so." She undid the robe and, in one smooth motion let it fall and dove into the pool over Callen's head, leaving him with stunned with the brief glimpse of smooth skin that he'd seen – with nothing blocking his view.

By the time he turned around, intent on catching her she came up right in front of him and wrapped her arms around his neck. He lowered his head to kiss her and she parted her lips and kissed him back, not relinquishing her control of the situation one bit. He had no objections.

"So, tell me," Kensi said when she broke off the kiss, "is this more sexy than a lap dance?"

While Callen knew she was just teasing, something in him turned serious. He pulled back slightly and looked at her intently.

"Kenz, sexy isn't about what you are or aren't wearing." He cupped her face. "A long time ago I learnt that it wasn't just about looks. I haven't been able to go back to that time that was. Sure, I can admire an attractive body, but if I'm not interested in what's underneath … " Kensi raised her eyebrows at this part of his statement and he shook his head before continued, "under the skin, Kenz, not under the clothes, then it doesn't matter at all what's on the outside."

He slipped his hand behind her head and tilted her head back just a little. The light lit up her face. "Kenz, it's you I want, because of who you are, not what you look like or what you are wearing or even what you do to me."

Kensi felt something in her shift. Sure she loved this man with her whole heart, but somehow, it just got deeper. Maybe it was the final walls falling around her previously battered heart, maybe it was something else. She wasn't sure. All she knew was that the emotion was overwhelming and if she didn't do something to distract them soon, she'd probably end up in tears. Good ones, but tears nonetheless and she didn't really want to do that right now.

Instead, she kissed him quickly and said, "Race you to the other end. Ditch the swimmers first though Callen – otherwise you'll be cheating." She moved away and dove under swimming hard.

Callen wasn't quite sure what was going on with her but he followed and left the ball in her court.

By the time Kensi got to the other end of the pool, her lungs were burning from her breath being held for that long and the few tears that had managed to escape were diluted and disguised by the dripping water from her face and hair. She let out a shaky breath and hoped Callen wouldn't notice.

Callen came up right in front of her and trapped her against the wall. "I love you Kensi Marie Blye. Crazy and mixed up as this whole life of ours is, I know this. I love you."

"I love you too," she whispered and kissed him, somehow attempting to show him with her actions just what it was in her that had changed with his words.

She succeeded.

_ (Saturday - at the museum with Hetty) _

"You know Mr Callen, as much as it has been delightful being your companion and enjoying Rembrandt, I think perhaps it is about time I left you alone to attempt to pick up that gorgeous brunette that we have been idly following for the last hour." Hetty smiled at him. "Time for you to stop and smell the roses some more."

Callen smiled at Hetty. "I've enjoyed this Hetty. You are very knowledgeable."

"You doubted that?"

Callen shook his head. "No. Just didn't know you were about Rembrandt. Kensi could probably have done better with having you talking to her rather than the guide."

They were at the art gallery for Kensi to learn a bit more about art for one of her aliases. Hopefully she hadn't been too distracted having him around.

"Enjoy the rest of your staycation Mr Callen," Hetty told him as she turned away. "I do hope you get to check out the pool this time," she added before leaving him standing there.

Callen jaw dropped. How on earth had Hetty known they had been there before?

"And I was hoping to lose that bet. So what do I get?" Kensi asked from behind him.

Callen turned. "Um, Me?"

"Let's go then."


	13. Past Lives

* * *

 

 

" _ You need to tell Kensi, G." _

" _ She doesn't need to know." _

" _ I'm not saying she needs to know but you need to tell her." _

" _ No one knows. Why should that change –" _

" _ Because you need to clear out this guilt you feel G. Telling Kensi will help. She loves you, she's not going to judge you, just be there for you." _

" _ Why can't I just talk to you about it? You already know." _

" _ I know I do, but it's not the same. You need to trust her enough to tell her this." _

" _ I do trust her." _

" _ Then tell her. You need this G. It's part of the healing process." _

" _ But I've moved on." _

" _ Not entirely. Grieving takes time, so does moving on with a new relationship. You're still building that with Kensi . Yes you love her - completely but the relationship side is still in progress. You need to talk to her more." _

" _ Does that mean I need to talk to you less?" _

" _ Nope. I'll always be here G. You know that. But you need to get to the same point with Kensi as you did with me. Where you can talk to her about anything and everything without worrying that she's going to flee. For now, trust me. She's not going to but you need to learn that for yourself." _

"Callen?" Kensi's words pulled him away from the mental debate he was having with Alex.

"Alex?" she queried.

"Yeah."

"Do you want to talk?" Kensi asked tentatively. She knew that this latest mission had been hard for Callen. Had brought back memories, though about what she wasn't entirely sure. Sam had mentioned to her about the little boy that may or may not have been Callen's. She hoped he would tell her more but she wouldn't push.

"She says I should talk to you."

Kensi tried not to smile. It was kind of nice, in a completely weird and crazy way, to have Callen's ex on her side.

"What do you think?"

Callen shrugged and then moved to sit next to Kensi. "I don't think. I know her well enough that she's right."

Kensi turned her body to face him, blocking out the rest of the office as best she could. "So?"

Callen took a deep breath but wasn't sure he could to it.

" _ Tell her G." _

He shook his head to shake off Alex's voice and started. "I liked being Jason Tedrow. Hetty was right. I liked being him best. But not for the reason she thinks."

"Kristen?" Kensi prodded gently.

"Yeah. Pretty sure Hetty thinks that she's the reason."

"What is it then?" Kensi asked when the silence stretched between them.

"Alex," Callen admitted. "As Jason Tedrow, I could pretend to be me. I could pretend Kristen was Alex and that we were just undercover. If I closed my eyes, she was there in my arms, beside me, whatever."

Callen turned and looked at Kensi. "I used Kristen. I got to forget that Alex had died. That I'd also lost my child. I got to pretend the previous year or so hadn't happened. That's why I liked being Jason. Not so much to be someone else, but to be me when I was happiest."

"Callen –"

"I shouldn't have been on that mission," Callen continued, cutting Kensi off. Now he'd started, he wasn't sure he could stop until he got it all out. "But by the time I realised where it was going it was too late to pull out. The relationship with Kristen seemed the only way to really get into the group and I'd already made contact and let them know what kind of guy I was. Pulling out wasn't an option. We were running out of time and someone else new coming into the scene so soon after me would have seemed too suspicious."

He dropped his head back against the couch, looked to the ceiling and continued.

"So I told Hetty I was fine. That I could handle the job. I know she was a little worried when it went down that road. It was barely twelve months after Alex died but I put on the best Agent face I could and told her that I was more than capable of separating personal from the job. Must have been the biggest lie I've ever told her. That job was more personal than anything else."

Callen turned back to face Kensi, tried to read her expression but she was keeping it neutral – like she was waiting for more. She was right. There was still more he needed to tell her. Just like Alex had been right. This wasn't about Kensi needing to know, but him needing to share.

"I used her. I wish I hadn't. I regret it and when I found out about her son, I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. Had I really managed to lose two children in the space of a year? That's why I went back today. If he was mine, there was no way I was going to miss out. I almost told her who I really was. I felt like she deserved that, but she stopped me. Told me Michael wasn't mine."

He took another deep breath. "Kenz, I'm not entirely sure whether I felt relief or disappointment finding that out. Mostly relief I think. He deserves a father that really cares about his mother."

Callen finally stopped and waited for Kensi to say something.

"Callen, we all make mistakes. We all deal with this job differently. We deal with life differently because of what we do. You made a mistake but … Yes you used her, but in some ways don't we use everyone to get to the truth and to fight the bad guys? We lie, we break rules but at least we are the good guys."

"I don't know if I feel like a good guy Kenz, when I think about her."

"She's happy now right?"

"The end justifies the means?" he asked.

Kensi shrugged. "Sometimes that's the only thing I can use to get past some of the things I've had to do in this job."

Kensi noticed Nate walking towards them. She reached out her hand and squeezed his. "Thanks for telling me. Now, hadn't you better change? Team night out tonight."

Callen appreciated the save and the change in topic. Alex had been right – again. Kensi wasn't fleeing. She was there.

So was he.


	14. Missing

* * *

 

"Dammit," Callen banged his hand on the steering wheel.

He'd tried to find Kensi. He'd checked her place, his places, the beach where they would go to sit and talk or just find some peace. She wasn't at any of them. She wasn't at the office or even her favourite bar, which was where he was sitting, completely lost as to what to do now, in his car.

He'd tried Eric. Asked him to track her phone or her car, but her car was still at the office and her phone was off – battery out or something because Eric hadn't been able to turn it on. Callen was starting to panic. Given Dom was pretty much gone without a trace he felt he had every reason to be.

"Where are you Kenz?" he begged her quietly.

"She's at Dom's," Alex said from the seat next to him.

Callen turned his head abruptly. "Dom's?" Why the hell didn't he think of that? "Thanks."

"You're welcome."

Callen floored it out of the car park heading.

"G, slow down. You want to get there in one piece."

She was right. Callen eased back, now just pushing over the speed limit rather than obliterating it.

"I just want to know she is all right. I've been looking for her for ages."

"I know," Alex said gently. "I'm sorry about Dom."

"I don't know what else we can do. We were so close and now we've got nothing-." Callen slammed on the brakes and brought the car to a sudden stop, just managing to avoid parking on the sidewalk and up close and personal to a power pole.

"You." Callen turned to face Alex. "Why didn't I think of you before?"

Alex frowned. "Not following G."

"You could find him. Where is he Alex?" he asked, desperation filling his voice. "He's hurt, at the very least. You can find him and tell me then we can go get him."

Alex looked sad. "G, I can't. I don't know where he is."

"But … Can't you find him? Just pop into wherever he is. Get us a lead." He really was desperate – asking, in essence, a figment of his imagination for a lead.

"G it doesn't work that way. I wish it did. I really do."

"Why can't you? Hell, you managed to make it snow in front of everyone, why's this any different?"

"G," Alex's voice was gentle but firm and Callen felt the disappointment surge through him.

"I'm sorry," he said. He dropped his head back against the seat. "Why can't you?" This time his question was simply that – a question he hoped she'd answer rather than a frustrated angry demand.

"Because I don't have an emotional connection with Dom. I don't just flitter around everybody G. It's just those I care about, those I'm attached to personally."

Callen turned his head and looked at her. "What about Kensi? You didn't know her before. She can see you."

Alex nodded. "Yes she can. But I do have an attachment to her G." She smiled gently at him. "She's holds the heart of the man I love in her hands. Of course I'm attached. I'm going to do everything I can to make sure she keeps that heart safe and unbroken." Alex reached out and stroked his cheek. "I love you G. I wish I could make this better but I can't. All I can tell you is that Kensi needs you now and she's at Dom's."

That pulled Callen back to his objective. He lifted his head, checked the mirrors and started to drive again.

"Is he still alive?" he asked her.

"I don't know G. Kensi will though."

"How?"

"She has a connection to Dom. It's still new but it's there. If she can focus and find it, she'll know. It's not as strong as the one you have with Sam or the one I had with Nathan. You remember how he knew something was wrong and called you the day I died?"

Callen nodded. He remembered. It was barely half an hour after the shooting when his phone had rung. He'd been about to slam it into the ground until he had noticed who it was. Reluctantly he'd answered it to hear a panicked Nathan on the other end asking if he was with Alex. He'd had to tell him. It was one of the hardest conversations he'd had to have, being topped only by talking to Alex's parents later that morning.

"She'll know G. She'll know if he's alive or dead."

"How can you be sure she'll know that?"

"Something Hetty said when you were missing. She told me that you were alive – because if you weren't I would have already known that in my heart. She was right. Kensi's not in love with Dom, but when you work with someone, put your life in their hands on a daily, that connection happens."

Callen pulled up then outside Dom's apartment building. He turned to her. "Thanks Alex."

Alex smiled. "Go find her. You'll get through this. Together."

Callen leant over and kissed her on the cheek. "Together huh?"

"Yep. Best way to deal with something like this."

Callen smiled, for the first time in hours. "I believe you."

He stepped out of the car and headed for Dom's apartment.

* * *

 

Kensi threw a plastic container hard against the wall. It bounced off and landed on the floor – unbroken.

Unlike her.

Her partner was missing, possibly dead and she was here in his apartment washing up and feeling guilty. Why didn't she know Dom better? Why didn't she call him last night? Why didn't she check up on him more? Why didn't….

"Stop it Kensi," James' voice ordered her.

Kensi spun around but couldn't see him. "Where are you?"

"I'm here with you Kensi," James replied.

"No," Kensi shook her head. "I can't see you. You're just a voice in my head. You're not here!" she almost screamed. "Dom's gone. You're not here. Where's Callen?" she demanded while tears were streaming down her face. "You've all gone."

"No Kensi, we haven't. I'm here, but I'm not who you need right now."

"Yeah? Well where is he? Seems like all my partners have left me."

The door opened as she spoke and she spun around to see Callen walk through the door. A heart-wrenching sob was pulled out of her chest.

He's here. He came.

"No Kensi," James' voice whispered in her ear. "Never leaving you. I just can't help with this like he can."

Callen watched Kensi watch him. He saw the tears that were falling, he saw the marks on her cheeks from the ones that had already fallen. He wished he'd thought of here earlier but he was very grateful that Alex had filled him in when he'd been at a loss as to where she was. He saw the pain in her eyes – and the anger. He thought perhaps he should wait until she came to him.

" _ No G. She needs you now. Don't let her push you away." _

Callen moved forward. "Kenz." He didn't know what else to say.

"Where have you been?" Kensi screamed at him. "I needed you."

"I've been looking for you. Why did you turn your phone off?" Callen asked moving slowly closer.

"I didn't. Anyway if I did, Eric could have turned it back on. I'm not that hard to find," Kensi snarled.

She didn't know why she was behaving like this. She needed him, wanted him to just take her in his arms and let her collapse. She wasn't as strong as she thought. She needed his strength even though she didn't want it because then it would show how weak she was and she'd fought so hard against that. The only girl in the team in a tough work environment – she'd felt she needed to be as tough as the guys.

"He tried. He couldn't."

Kensi frowned. Eric couldn't turn on her phone. Part of her wanted to believe him but the angry part thought he was lying, after all, that is what he does best. She stomped past him and reached into her jacket pocket. Her phone was off. She tried turning it on but it didn't work. Battery must have been dead.

Kensi's shoulders slumped, the phone slipped from her fingers and then she felt his hands on her shoulders, turning her around and pulling her into his arms.

But even though she wanted this, desperately needed this, she fought it. She lashed out at him with her fists, trying to pummel his chest. Trying to make the ever cool and calm G Callen lose it like she was. She didn't want to be the only weak one.

"Everyone leaves. When are you going to as well?"

"I'm not going anywhere Kensi."

"Yeah right. My father, Jack, James and the rest. You're next. Why should you be any different? Why couldn't we find him?"

Jack? That was a new name he'd file away for later.

The fists slowed down as she spoke. Callen pulled her tighter and she leant against him, suddenly all fight seemed to leave her.

"Why Callen? Why him? He's just a kid."

Then the sobs started fresh and Callen picked her up and took her to the couch. She curled up against him as the sobs took over.

"I don't know, Kenz," Callen whispered to her, "But we'll find him. I promise we won't stop until we do."

"How?"

"We'll follow every lead, no matter how small, do whatever it takes."

"How do we even know if he's alive?"

Callen gently placed his hand under her chin and lifted her head. "You. You'll know. He was - is your partner Kenz. Deep down, listen for it and you'll know."

Kensi shook her head. "I barely knew anything about him. I should have taken more time –"

Callen stopped her. "Deep down Kenz, do you  _ feel _ that he's still alive?"

Kensi thought for a moment. She thought back to those she'd lost before and whether she'd known before she'd been told – compared it to what she was feeling know. Slowly she looked at him and nodded. "I think he is."

Callen smiled reassuringly. "Then he is. We'll hold onto that until we have proof one way or another."

"Callen I don't think I can do this, I can't lose someone else. It hurts too much." The tears started to flow again.

"You'll not alone Kensi, not anymore. We're all here for you. I'm here," Callen promised, holding her tight.

A sob shook her whole body and she couldn't stop the ones that followed. It was like everyone she'd lost, every tear that she hadn't shed was coming now and she couldn't do a thing about it.

Callen held her tight and waited. He didn't say anything, just let his touch tell her what she needed to know – that he was here and wasn't going anywhere. He wasn't sure how long it was before the crying and shaking stopped. All he knew was that when he laid the sleeping Kensi down on the couch and got up, one of his legs and one of his arms had fallen asleep. It took a few minutes to get the feeling back in them. He watched her, wondering what to do. Should he let her sleep here, or take her home?

"Take her home Callen," came a voice behind him. He turned quickly, automatically reaching for his gun because the voice wasn't the usual one that suddenly popped up behind him. This time it was male.

"Hey, take it easy," the man said, hands up in surrender. "That's really not going to do anything except put a hole in the wall. I'm James. Kensi's angel."

Callen let out a relieved sigh. "You think I should take her home?"

"Yeah, just try not to wake her. I've seen her cry bad before and it usually wipes her out, but that was nothing compared to what you just went through with her," James told him.

Callen was about to ask for some more details about Kensi, things he really wanted to know – such as who was Jack - but didn't want to ask her because he knew they were still sensitive subjects but James frowned, looked over Callen's shoulder and then disappeared, just before the front door opened. Callen, still overly alert, spun around and brought the gun up pointing it directly at Nate.

The time the sigh wasn't exactly relief, more exasperation. Nate should know better.

"Nate," Callen said warningly, "I could have shot you. Knock next time." Callen holstered his gun and moved closer to Kensi. "What are you doing here anyway?"

"Got a little worried about her. Thought I'd try here. Is she okay?" Nate asked. The concern more friend than psychologist.

"She'll be fine. Just needs to sleep. We'll get her through this," Callen replied.

"What about you?" Nate asked turning his attention to him.

"I'll be fine Nate. Don't worry about me."

"Not likely Callen. I've been worried about you for a long time, though I must admit since you two got together that has diminished a little. At least I know you are talking to someone, even if it's not me."

Callen put on a grin and thought  _ more than just one someone _ .

"Kensi been telling stories?" he said instead.

Nate smiled back a little. "Just one or two, nothing big and nothing to worry about." Nate looked down at Kensi. "Shouldn't we get her a blanket or something?"

Callen moved and picked Kensi up. "No," he said softly. "I'm taking her home. Think her own place is where she needs to be right now." No way was he mentioning James to Nate.

"Need a hand?" Nate asked, holding the door open for him.

Callen paused and nodded. "Actually a hand would be good. I don't want to wake her. Can you follow us home?"

Nate nodded. "I'll follow."

Callen put Kensi in the car and drove home carefully, making sure not to wake her or lose Nate. Nate opened the door for them and Callen took Kensi straight to the bedroom. As he laid her on the bed, she tightened her arms around him and a shudder went through her.

"Dom," she whispered in her sleep. The name so sad and filled with pain. Callen settled on the bed, not letting her go. He looked at Nate who gave them a small smile and nodded his goodbye before leaving. Callen heard the lock on the door click and Nate close it behind him. He gathered Kensi closer.

"I promise Kenz, we'll find him. You have my word," he told her softly as he stroked her hair gently.

 


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few little snippets for this one rather than big ones. 
> 
> I've added a little bit of a description in brackets and italics at the beginning of each snippet just to make it a little easier and clearer on where this part fits with the episode)
> 
> On a completely different note, does anyone else think that the picture of the guy Callen knows but can't place at the beginning which Eric shows them, looks just a touch like Eric?

* * *

 

 

_(During episode - At the fountain in the mall)_

Callen looked down at the sharp pain in his finger. Horror settled in his stomach – Kensi. He couldn't leave her, especially now and definitely not like this. He looked up at her on the level above and saw the fear on her face. He couldn't -

"Not your time G. Not yet," came Alex's voice in his ear interrupting his thoughts just before something slammed into him and sent him crashing into the fountain.

 

* * *

 

_(During episode - After Hetty and Nate leave them at Callen's desk in the office - a continuation of the conversation before Callen goes to chat with Hetty)_

Kensi turned to him, eyebrows raised in curiosity. "So what do you think I would buy with that kind of money?"

"Shoes," Callen replied.

"That's a lot of shoes. Anything else?"

"Maybe a fast car, some clothes, but mostly shoes."

Kensi punched him gently in the arm. "I may like shoes but even I couldn't spend that much on shoes – at least not in one go. You ready to head off?" she asked him.

"Need to talk to Hetty first. Won't be long."

 

* * *

 

_(Tag to episode - Back at Kensi's apartment)_

Callen turned to Kensi once they were in the apartment. "Hetty wants me to kill her."

Kensi's eyes went wide. "What?"

"Before she gets too old and starts telling her secrets to the unsuspecting folk at the nursing home."

"She wants you to... how?" Kensi asked in disbelief.

"Smother her with a pillow – and, here's the real kicker. It must be synthetic. She's allergic to feathers. Like it's going to make a difference to the outcome."

"You wouldn't really …" Kensi frowned. "Would you?"

"Kenz!" Callen shook his head. "No. Of course I wouldn't. We'll just have to make sure she doesn't end up in a nursing home. If anyone is going to hear her secrets, I think we deserve to be top of that list."

Kensi chuckled and moved toward him. "You think we'll outlive Hetty?"

Callen slipped his arms around her. "I think I have a pretty good reason right here to try."

Kensi smiled at him. "That's nice to hear." She kissed him lightly and stepped away. "So, what should I do with you when you get too old to know when to hold your tongue? It's not that far off," she teased as she reached for the temperature control on the heating. She was still cold and figured Callen was too.

Callen stopped her hand before she could do anything and turned her back into him.

"Not far off huh? I'll have you know I'm a long way from needing your assistance with that."

"You are older than me."

"Older maybe, but I can still take you."

Kensi grinned. "Maybe you should prove it."

Callen tilted his head. "You are trouble, but I'm up for it. I think I can find a much better way to warm you up."

"Do tell," Kensi replied.

"Show."

Callen picked her up and carried her to the couch. "Have always preferred the show part to the tell." His mouth descended on hers and made sure there was no telling involved in the heating up process that successfully followed.


	16. The Bank Job

* * *

 

"No," Callen said firmly after Sam had explained the finer points of the plan. "Figure out another way," he demanded

"Excuse me Mr Callen," Hetty said.

"C'mon G. It's a good plan," Sam added in disbelief at the firmness he could hear and see in his partner.

"I said no," Callen replied even more strongly. "We figure out another way. We are not sending Kensi in like that without more time to prepare."

Kensi stepped closer to Callen. "But that's the point Callen, we don't have a lot of time. This is the best plan. I can do this," she assured him. She wasn't sure why he was acting like this but hoped the confidence in her voice would reassure him.

Callen turned and faced her. The look on his face sent Kensi back a step. There was anger or something in his eyes. She couldn't quite figure it out. "I said no. I meant no. We figure out another way."

"Mr Callen," Hetty said firmly.

"No Hetty, not happening," Callen snapped.

Anger settled heavily on Kensi. He'd never pulled the protective boyfriend card before and she certainly wasn't about to let him do it now. "Dammit Callen, if this is because of our-"

Callen spun around and she stopped. "Enough Kensi. I'm the team leader and I said no."

With that Callen left the room and walked away.

"Miss Blye," Hetty started.

"I know Hetty." Kensi didn't need Hetty to voice what was on her mind or what she wanted her to do. It was already there. "I'll talk to him. Go ahead with figuring out this plan. I'll see what I can do to bring him around."

"Kenz," Sam said as she approached the door. Kensi turned back. "We don't have time to figure out another plan and without G, we don't have the numbers."

"I know Sam," She nodded. "I'll sort this out."

Kensi walked out the room and tried to figure out where Callen would be. Eventually she found him in the gym, staring out the window.

"Callen, what the hell was that about? You know it's a good plan. It'll work."

"Kenz, please don't argue with me on this. I can't let you do this," Callen said, less harshly than Kensi was expecting. Unfortunately it didn't take the wind out of her own angry sails.

"Come on Callen. I'm sure if it was anyone but me, you'd be fine with this," she said angrily. "You've never had a problem –"

Callen spun around, grabbed her shoulders and pushed her against the wall that wasn't far behind, abruptly stopping her words with his actions. There was that something in his eyes again and it definitely wasn't anger. Kensi wasn't entirely sure but she thought it might be fear. Since she'd never really seen it in his eyes before she wasn't 100% on that.

"Kenz, I can't watch you die," Callen told her. There was desperation filling his voice and she could see his breathing was rough.

She frowned in confusion. "Callen, it's fake. It's just pretend, not real."

Callen shook his head, one of his hands gripped more firmly on her shoulder as the other slammed into the wall. Kensi managed to avoid grimacing at the pain his grip caused but not the little jump from hit against the wall.

"I can't watch you die like she did. Pretend or not."

Suddenly everything made sense. Callen's reaction, the fear (she was sure it was fear now) and the stubbornness and Kensi almost kicked herself for not realising what it was about the plan that he didn't like.

"Callen," she softly. "I'm sorry." She moved to put her arms around him which, thankfully, caused him to move his hand off her shoulder.

"Kenz, I'm sorry too, but I can't. It's too close to real. It's not you who can't do this. I'd mess up. Just the thought of it is hard enough."

Kensi pulled back and looked at him. "Callen, this is it. This is the plan we need to do."

"Kenz-"

Kensi put a finger on his lips. "Give me a minute. Let me see if I can come up with something."

Callen pulled her closer, breathed in the scent of the fruity shampoo she'd used that morning. He closed his eyes and tried hard to relax but that didn't last long. A picture of Alex in his arms from that morning long ago came quickly, closely followed by Kensi taking her place. He couldn't do this. What if something went wrong and she really did get shot.

"Callen," Kensi said, pulling him back out of his thoughts. "What if you and I go to the armoury? We get all the weapons we need. We both check them, make sure they are empty. Then you load them with the blanks. Just you. Then you give out the weapons to everyone. You'll know there are no real ones in there, you'll know exactly what everyone has. Would that help?"

Callen shrugged. "I don't know." He was still having trouble getting that last picture out of his head.

"I don't know what else we can do to make you feel better about this plan. But this is the only plan Callen. You know that don't you?" she asked gently.

"I know," Callen replied reluctantly. He knew. He knew it in the room as Sam had been explaining it. He knew it when he'd told them no. He knew it now. "We'll give it a try," he agreed.

"Why don't you also tell the others? They know about Alex."

"But they don't all know how she died."

"Maybe it's time to tell them."

Callen let out a slow breath. Not telling them could put the whole mission in jeopardy – making it even more risky for Kensi. At least if they knew they might be able to do something to keep it going if he did lose it. "Maybe. At least Sam and Hetty should know what's going on."

Kensi stepped back out of his arms and held out her hand. "Let's go get the ball rolling."

Callen took hers and followed her back to Ops.

Hetty looked at him when he walked through the door but he didn't get the dressing down he was expecting – at least not yet. Kensi kept hold of his hand, which got a curious look from both Nate and Sam.

"It's okay," Kensi said - not just to him.

Callen nodded and then looked at the rest of his team. "Sorry. I over-reacted but …" He took another breath and gathered up the courage. Surely telling them this would take less than most of the things he does in this job. "Look, Alex died in my arms. She bled out after being shot. Just once. The thought of Kensi in that position, it's a little too close for comfort."

"G, you should have told us," Sam said. He didn't need to add the apology. Callen could see it in his eyes. Sam hadn't thought about that situation either.

Nate just watched and Callen wondered what the chances were of this coming back to haunt him at the next psych evaluation. Eric opened his mouth to ask something but a look from Hetty stopped him. Callen gave Eric a tight smile. He knew Eric was the only one in the room who didn't know about Alex. "Eric, Alex was my fiancé. She was killed six and a half years ago. She died in my arms within a couple of minutes of being shot. She didn't stand a chance."

"Oh," Eric said. "Sorry."

Callen nodded and turned back to his team. "Kensi came up with an idea we'll try. No guarantees but I'll do my best not to mess this up."

"I wouldn't expect anything less Mr Callen," Hetty told him. "Now get to work. Make this happen."

Hetty turned to leave.

"Hetty," Callen said.

"Yes Mr Callen." She turned back to face him.

"I'm sorry for the way I talked to you earlier. I was out of line."

Hetty stepped closer. "Mr Callen, I do not want an apology from you for speaking your mind. I expect that from you. I can understand the reason behind the reaction and the … forcefulness. That is not what I had a problem with. If you are going to apologise for anything, it is that you failed to tell me the reason behind your choice. That, I do have a problem with. I do not expect you to agree with any and every plan made in this room, however I do expect honesty from you when you have a problem. Do I make myself clear?"

"Crystal, Hetty. It won't happen again. Sorry," Callen said meekly.

"Good." Hetty looked at him for a moment. "Mr Callen," she said gently, "Alex would be very proud of how far you have come in the last six months. I hope you know that."

Callen smiled, just a little. "I know Hetty. I know." And you'll probably never know how I know that, he added to himself silently.

"Well then gentlemen, and lady, you have work to do."

* * *

 

_ (In the bank _ )

Callen felt frozen - seeing the "bullets" slam into Kensi, watching her fall, watching the blood leech out on her clothes. Even knowing she was faking it, he felt the fear overwhelm him. He couldn't do this. He needed to know she was okay, that nothing had gone wrong. He took two steps forward and stopped.

There was a little girl sitting next to Kensi. Blonde hair, blue eyes filled with green sparkles and his smile. Lily.

"She's fine Daddy. I'll watch over her. Go save the world."

Callen stayed still for just a moment. Lily nodded at him once more in reassurance and then Callen found himself back in the game. Just in time to pull off his next line before anyone could even realise he'd gone.

* * *

 

_ (back at headquarters after mission) _

Callen walked up to Kensi. She was sitting at her desk looking through her box of precious things. He breathed a sigh of relief that she had changed her clothes.

Kensi looked up from her things at his approached. Perhaps she'd heard that small sigh. "Hi."

"Hi," he replied. He moved next to her and leaned back against her desk.

"Thanks."

"For?" she queried.

"Getting changed. A bit hard looking at you with all that blood on your shirt."

Kensi smiled. Callen reached into her box and pulled out something.

"What –" Kensi stopped when he opened his hand.

"I don't think she'd want you to hide this away." Callen gave her the shell Lily had given him for her. "You know she was watching over you today."

"Really?" Kensi looked up at Callen in surprise. He smiled.

"Maybe not entirely just you. I almost lost it, Kenz. When you were on the floor. I was on my way to you and suddenly there was this little angel at your shoulder." He chuckled softly. "She told me you were fine, she'd watch over you and that I should go save the world."

Kensi laughed softly. "Well, it is what you do. One bad guy at a time."

"Yeah. Just didn't think she knew that." Okay, so he figured that if Alex was always with him, so was Lily but for some reason, it just didn't occur to him that Lily actually  _ knew _ what he did.

"I think most kids think their dads are heroes, but not too many of us actually get that like Lily and I," Kensi said.

"I'm not a hero, Kenz."

"You are in her eyes and that's all that counts for her."

Callen smiled. "I guess. I couldn't have done it today without you, or her. I guess today we are all heroes to someone."

Kensi smiled. She looked back down at the shell. "So, where should I keep this that is safe?"

Callen looked down. "You could always keep it on your desk, or we could turn it into necklace."

"I do spend a fair amount of time here – desk it is." Kensi placed it carefully on her desk, next to her pen holder. She looked up at Callen and smiled. "Perfect."


	17. Chinatown

* * *

 

Callen moved from his desk to stand next to Kensi, who was sitting at hers. He leaned against the table, crossed his arms and waited for her to finish what she was typing.

Kensi flicked off her computer, looked up and smiled. "All done. You ready to go?" she asked.

Callen shook his head. "Nope. We need to talk."

"Uh oh." Kensi sat back in her chair. "That does not sound good."

Callen gave her a small smile. Today had been a little too scary for him to do much more. "From now on, you are with Sam or I when you go out on a job. You're not going on your own anymore."

Kensi stood up and looked him in the eye. "Callen, I'm fine. Nothing happened. You two were there, you had my back. So did Eric. This is what I'm trained for."

Callen moved slightly close. "And you are very good at it but Kenz, this isn't negotiable. Until Hetty finds a new team member …" He held up his hand as Kensi opened her mouth to protest. She stopped and he continued. "A  _ temporary  _ new team member or until Dom is back, you're with one of us. Nate isn't an option."

Callen still remembered the fear that had run through him when he'd first realised Kensi was in trouble, with a trained assassin plus the father after her. He'd been able to quiet it as the adrenaline kicked in. He and Sam had managed to take care of it, in time, but it was still too close for comfort. He also realised just how important it was to have another team member join them and he'd be having a chat to Hetty soon, when he'd processed the day in his head a little more thoroughly.

"Callen," Kensi said with a shake of her head, "I don't want a new partner. I just want Dom back."

Callen pulled her into his arms. To hell with whoever was watching. He could justify this action because his team member was hurting. Just like Sam had been earlier. It had been five weeks and as much as Kensi tried to hide it, he knew she missed Dom desperately and as each day went by with no news, it got harder for her. Right now, he could hear it clearly in her voice and see it in her eyes.

"We all do," he assured her quietly. "And we'll find him. I've promised you that. I'll keep that promise. We just need something to go on. In the meantime, it's my job as team leader to keep what's left of my team safe."

"And what about you and Sam?" Kensi lifted her head and looked at him. He was pleased that the tears had receded. "With one of you with me, the other is on their own. How does that work? If you or Sam had been on your own at that warehouse you might not have made it out."

Callen felt a small shudder go through her and realised he wasn't the only one who had been a touch afraid for the other today.

"If Sam or I had been alone, we probably wouldn't have shown ourselves. We're not entirely crazy," Callen reassured her.

"But you got hurt as it was," Kensi said, gently touching the bruise near his eye.

"It's just a black eye Kenz. No big deal."

Kensi lifted an eyebrow in disagreement. She moved her leg a little and Callen winced. " _ Just _ your eye? I don't think so."

"Don't tell Hetty," Callen said.

"Oh I won't." Kensi grinned. "I get to play nurse for that hurt."

Callen groaned even as he smiled at the thought. As much as he was definitely interested in where her suggestion might lead, he wasn't entirely sure if he was up for it. "Kenz –"

"Don't worry, I'll be gentle."

Callen pulled his thoughts back to what they had been talking about before. "You're with Sam or me when you go out, from now on. That is an order Special Agent Blye."

"Callen, please," she begged, "please tell me this isn't because I'm your girlfriend."

Callen looked at her seriously. "No it's not." Then he shrugged. "Maybe just a little," he admitted. "But mostly, it is simply because I refuse to lose another team member. It's up to me to make sure you have back up. We'll figure out the details as we go on how it will work. It was too close today, Kensi. Way too close."

"But you were all there and I'm fine." Kensi grinned. "So I've finished my report. I'll print it tomorrow. Are you ready for me to play nurse?" she asked when she stepped back and grabbed her jacket.

"Gentle you say?" Callen queried, though he did head over to his desk to get his things.

"As gentle as you want me to be."

Callen grinned. "I think I might be able to handle that."

Kensi laughed softly. "Don't think you need to worry about handling anything. That would be my … job."


	18. Full Throttle

* * *

 

The moment Callen closed the door to Kensi's apartment he said, "Okay, spill. What's the deal with the purse?"

"What?" Kensi turned and looked at him, an attempt at an innocent expression on her face, though Callen could see through it. She knew exactly what he was referring to.

"Come on, Kenz." Callen walked over to the couch and sat down. He patted the couch beside him and continued. "You almost went ballistic on the insurance girl over a purse."

"Well she wasn't actually an insurance girl was she? And what about you and the girl at traffic school?"

"That's not the point. And don't change the subject – You know there was nothing in it except keeping up the alias appearance. I wouldn't go to the Bahamas with anyone but you."

Mr Wolinski had a reputation to uphold and, though he wouldn't follow through on the flirtation, he did tend to get into his roles and at least keep up appearances, just in case someone he might run into later happened to be around.

Kensi sighed and flopped on the couch beside him. "Fine. I don't like insurance people."

"Why?"

Kensi looked at him. "Don't trust them."

"More."

"You know sometimes you are a real pain."

Callen smiled. "Just because I know when to push and when to walk away."

"Well, maybe you are pushing that line a little too closely at the moment."

"Come on." Callen settled back close to her, his arm touching hers in a reassuring way. "It's not like you to go that crazy over something as simple as a possession – especially one that isn't yours. There's more to it than not liking insurance people. You know you can trust me."

"I know." Kensi turned her head and looked at him. She took a breath and started explaining – this time for real. "When James died he left his mum an insurance policy, outside the military ones. His mum was pretty distressed and she was also in financial trouble. She almost lost her house. James' dad had been really sick a couple of years before. He died but the medical bills were huge and she was still struggling with them. James wanted to help more but she wouldn't let him. It wasn't like he had a whole lot to spare as it was. On top of that she'd lost her job a few months before and hadn't been able to find another. The insurance company kept messing around claiming that there wasn't enough proof that James was dead."

Callen slipped his arm around Kensi's shoulder, having noticed the tension increase in her as she had told the story so far.

"I took over and dealt with it for her," Kensi continued. "The person I had to deal with had a new purse pretty much every time I saw her. It just really pissed me off that here was this woman who could spend so much on something like that when a mother, whose son had just wanted to make sure she was taken care of if something happened to him whilst he was defending the country and ensuring this woman's freedom to be able to buy stuff like that, struggled. And she was stuffing around, not being helpful at all."

"What did you end up doing?"

"The bank sent an eviction notice and I went back into the office to try and finally sort it out. She was dressed head-to-toe in Versace. I lost it, completely. I ended up dealing with the head of the office who processed it in a matter of two days. Made sure the bank knew the money was coming and actually did what should have been done in the first place."

"Sounds like at least he was decent. So insurance people aren't all bad."

Kensi smiled a little. "Maybe it helped that he was ex-military. Seeing her with that bag just brought back some bad memories."

Callen tugged her more comfortably into his arms. "Remind me in the morning to put in a formal request to Hetty to never dress me head-to-toe in Versace. I do not want to be on your bad side."

Kensi lifted her head to look at him and grinned. "Hey don't do that. I'm sure you'd look great. But just ask Hetty not to do it if you are playing an insurance guy to be on the safe side."

Callen dropped a soft kiss on her lips. "Deal."


	19. Blood Brothers

* * *

 

"You're a mess," Callen said to Kensi when they'd finished reassembling the Humvee.

Kensi turned and looked him over. She smiled slyly. "You're looking pretty good yourself," she replied. She moved closer to him. Callen glanced down and saw the numerous smudges of grease on his hands and shirt. He looked back to her and grinned.

"That's right, the smell of grease turns you on. It is time to go home." Callen tugged her closer. "You can drive."

Kensi put her arms around his neck. "Sorry, but there is no way you are getting in my car looking like that. Shower and clean clothes first."

"But then I lose that fragrance you love so much."

Kensi stepped away from him and raised her eyebrows. "Never said you had to take one alone."

She left him with those words playing over in his head along with the seductive expression that had been on her face. It didn't take Callen long to follow, though he was careful to check and see if Hetty had left yet. There was no sign of her in the office. He double-checked the hook that she always hung her purse on – it too was gone. There were barely any sounds coming from around the office so he continued on with his journey to the bathroom.

There was steam already coming out of one of the shower cubicles. He could see Kensi's clothes on the floor just under the curtain and made sure there was no one else in the bathroom before he slipped in to join her.

"Took your time," Kensi said, turning only her head to smile at him.

Callen pulled his shirt over his head and returned the smile. "Had to make sure Hetty wasn't around."

His pants hit the floor and he moved to join her under the water.

"I wouldn't have suggested it if she was still here," Kensi replied, slipping her arms around his neck. "Plus, I'm pretty sure we have an ace up our sleeve now she's slipped up with that Afghanistan comment."

Callen nodded and pushed back her wet hair from her face. "True, that was very un-Hetty, but I still wanted to make sure. Don't want any interruptions," he said as he lowered his head to claim her lips.

"Then perhaps you should take this home," came a voice from beyond the shower curtain. They both froze, eyes wide.

"Or at least ensure the door is locked," Hetty added before they heard the door close.

"I swear she was gone," Callen replied. "Her bag and everything."

Kensi dropped her head on his shoulder. "I even checked the parking lot. The Jag was gone."

Callen lifted her head. "Maybe she's right, let's take this home. I promise if I get grease on your seat, I'll pay to have it cleaned."

Kensi smiled. "Yeah, she kind of killed the mood a little."

Callen nodded. "But I'm sure the mood will lift once we get to your place."

Kensi stepped back slightly and ran her fingers down his wet chest to his stomach. "Oh, I think I can definitely guarantee a lift then."

Callen caught her hand with one of his and used the other to flick off the water. "Then let's move it. Interested to see how you intend on making that happen."

Kensi grabbed a towel. "First one to the car gets to drive."


	20. Hand to Hand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was difficult. With the whole Kensi/Deeks thing, it's took a while to figure out some way to start this off so I would keep the Kensi/Deeks relationship in it's appropriate place – for this story at least – which is non-existent except for possible friends and partners.  
> I do hope it works and you enjoy this little snippet.

* * *

Callen kept silent for most of the drive home. Kensi glanced across at him three or four times before she'd had enough and broke the silence. It was one thing for Callen to be quiet but another when she knew he was brooding or worrying over something.

"Callen. You okay?" she asked

Callen automatically started to nod but stopped himself. "Still a bit … concerned about Sam. It took him a while to pull himself up and do what he had to in that fight with Deeks."

Callen had been second guessing himself most of the mission about letting Sam go into that situation. Hetty had felt that Sam would do the right thing and, in that respect Callen trusted Sam. It was more of when the right thing would happen and Sam had taken a while to take Deeks down. It could have gone so much worse if Deeks had managed to get a few more good hits in. Whether Sam wanted to admit it or not, Deeks had scored quite a few good hits on him.

"But that's Sam," Kensi told him. "Unless he has no other choice, he'll take the less damaging road." She grinned. "Maybe Sam has a thing for fluffy hair instead of me."

Callen chuckled. He really appreciated Kensi trying to lighten the mood – and he knew that because it was happening so quickly from the start of the conversation that their relationship was moving to the next level. A level where he didn't have to hide his worries; at least not all of them. One where it was natural to talk rather than hide. "At least Deeks did come through in the end," he said. "Timed that pretty well at the gym."

"Timed it well?" Kensi repeated in disbelief. "I'd say he was almost too late to the party."

"So what was it?" Callen asked, glancing across at her. "The eyes or the hair?"

Kensi frowned. "Excuse me?"

"Come on, Kenz. Something about Deeks set off a spark. He's interested in you." Callen kept an eye on her reaction to that last little bit but she didn't give off much.

Kensi raised an eyebrow and looked at him questioningly. "You think I'm interested in Deeks?"

"Aren't you?" Callen countered

"Not in the way you are implying. Callen, are you jealous?"

"No," Callen denied. He wasn't overly happy that Deeks seemed to be showing such an interest in his girl but it wasn't like he could warn him off. "But you are interested – in some way at least."

They pulled up at her apartment at that point and the conversation paused until the moment Kensi closed the apartment door behind them.

"I am not," she denied strongly. "At least not anymore. There was something off about him, that wasn't right. And, to state the obvious, I was right. He wasn't who he said he was."

Kensi stepped closer. "You know there's nothing for you to be jealous of," she said. "He's really not my type."

"What? Blonde, blue eyes, can fight and pretend to be someone else?" Callen teased. " _ That's  _ not your type?"

Kensi smiled. "Callen, I only have room for one blue eyed, blonde, pretender in my life." She ran her fingers up his chest to the top button and fiddled with it as she continued. "And, just in case you're a little slow on the pick-up, that would be you."

Callen slid his arms loosely around her waist. "I get the feeling you might need to make room for one more. Got a feeling something's going on in Hetty's mind and we might actually see more of Deeks."

"You've got to be kidding?" The look on Kensi's face was full of disbelief. Callen couldn't help but chuckle at it.

Kensi continued forcefully. "He'll drive us insane with his macho, 'I've been so deep on my own, you're all wimpy because you have so many to back you up' mode."

Callen raised an eyebrow this time. "Got some strong feelings going there, Kensi. You sure you're –" He stopped at the look on her face.

"Don't go there Callen," Kensi replied, shaking her head. "Unless you want me to prove you wrong."

Callen smirked and back her up against the wall. "You prove me wrong? Well, since that would involve proving that you have absolutely no interest in Deeks in a personal capacity, I'm all for it."

Callen kissed her before she could reply and she took over from there.

He loved it when they were on the same wavelength.

 


	21. Fame

* * *

"You know you were a bit rough on Deeks at the club," Kensi commented.

"Why?" Callen glanced up from his dinner to look at her. "Because he was stupid enough to put himself on the line with Hetty so easily?"

"Come on." Kensi looked at him with the look that told him she knew he knew exactly what she was meaning. "He got you the card – which, by the way, you threw him in the lion's den to get on his first day. Then you scare the crap out of him making him think you're going to spend his entire year's wages in one hit."

Callen smirked. "Some people need to learn the hard way. Plus, it wasn't throwing him in the lion's den as much as the lioness and since he's her cub of the day, he was safe."

Kensi raised an eyebrow. "Cub of the day? How do you figure that?"

"Hetty wants Deeks to fit in with the team. She wants to keep him and  _ not _ as a liaison."

Kensi made a funny sound in the back of her throat that Callen couldn't quite decipher. "Well he'd have to be better in any role other than liaison which, if you remember correctly, he completely failed at," she said.

"True, " Callen agreed, "but aside from that he didn't do that bad."

"He didn't trust you to take that shot in the club."

"He may not have trusted me but he did at least follow orders that time." Callen grinned. "Unlike naming you Fern."

Kensi glared at him. "Don't' you even think about calling me that. He'll pay for that."

"If he comes back," Callen added.

Concern washed over Kensi's face though she tried to hide it quickly. Not quick enough though against Callen's ever watchfulness. "He's growing on you isn't he?" Callen asked.

Kensi shook her head. "No. Maybe…. I appreciate that fact that he save your hide today at the house."

"Yours too. He was part of the rescue team."

Kensi nodded. "Yeah. Look, he was there for all of us. He might not be a fully-fledged member of the team yet, but he at least showed he had some decent potential today."

Callen agreed. "Yep. Very glad he was there to take the shot." He studied Kensi intently. "Though I wish you hadn't been in there alone."

Kensi tilted her head and smiled. "Worried about me were you?"

"Cause I was. Kensi. You could have died." He didn't even want to rehash in his mind the thoughts that went through his head when they realised who she was in that house with. It had taken quite a while for his heart to stop pounding, his mind to stop thinking of all the things that could have gone wrong and the mental struggle he'd had keeping the picture of a dead Kensi out of his head.

Kensi reached across the table and took his hand. "But you were there. So was Sam. So was Deeks. You guys came through for me. I knew you would."

Callen looked at her disbelievingly. "You knew we would get there in time?"

Kensi smiled. "Okay, so you were cutting it fine, but," she looked at him seriously, "I  _ know _ that you will always do everything you can to come for me. Nothing will stop you and until my heart stops beating in my chest I will  _ always  _ believe that."

"Don't talk like that Kenz, please" Callen begged.

"Why?" she asked. "It's the truth. A very important truth, especially considering how much of our lives revolve around lies. Just the truth, just like I will always come for you."

"It's not that part. It's the you dying part."

"I know it's hard to hear, but given what we've been through, it's not like the thoughts aren't far from our minds is it?"

"I know." Callen managed to stop the sigh from leaving his lips. "I just prefer the idea of us old, grey and sitting on a porch somewhere talking about our great, great grandkids."

Kensi lifted her eyebrows just fractionally. It wasn't like Callen to talk well into the future, but she decided to leave the potential deep and meaningful conversation that could come from a comment like that and go down the teasing route. After all, it had been a rough day.

"Just how old are we talking?" she asked. "And how many great, great grandkids are you thinking about? Plus the deals off if I have to go grey. It's just not my colour."

Callen chuckled. "Okay. Grey is not compulsory."

"Will Hetty be around too?"

"I dare say so. She'll probably outlive us all. No matter how old we get."

  
  


 


	22. Found

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning - possibly not a good one to read in the office. This is after they find and lose Dom.

* * *

 

Callen was leaning on the railing looking out over the city below him. This was a place he went to when he needed to get a grip with things that had happened.

Dom.

Dom was dead.

Kensi.

Kensi was seriously grieving and didn't want to be around anyone right now.

Sam.

He knew Sam was taking it badly but Sam didn't need him now either. When Sam needed peace, he found it with his wife. The way it should be.

Hetty, Nate and Eric.

Callen didn't even want to contemplate how those three were feeling. He knew the horrible emotions of not being able to do anything about a situation; the helplessness of just watching a scene unfold in front of you and being helpless.

Alex's death was perfect example of that completely helpless and loss of control feeling.

"Hi," came a soft voice beside him.

Callen turned his head.

Alex.

Just the girl he was waiting for. As much as he needed Kensi and to be there for her, he also needed Alex right now. He needed her calming influence. She'd always given him that in situations where she wasn't emotionally invested. He needed to be calm for when he went to Kensi later; because Kensi needed him even if she didn't want him around at the moment. And, if he was going to deal with a potentially emotionally out of control Kensi, (and she had every right to be that way. He certainly wasn't going to judge considering how he'd been in the past after losing someone close,) he needed to get a grip on the situation himself.

"Hi," he answered. "Thanks."

Alex smiled slightly. "I'm really sorry about Dom, G." She placed her hand comfortingly on his and he turned his hand over to hold it in his. His gaze dropped to them and he felt the calmness slowly working its way over him and was incredibly glad that whatever this was, that Alex was still there for him.

"I keep thinking that if only I'd been a little quicker, he'd still be with us."

Alex squeezed his hand. "Maybe, but then maybe not. It's not something you'll ever know for sure. All you can know is that you did everything you could."

"It wasn't enough," he added.

"G." Alex waited until he faced her. "Everything you could. There was nothing more you could have done. You  _ know  _ this. You followed every lead when you had it. There was nothing more."

Callen sighed. "We were there though. He was in LA all this time. How did we miss this?"

"Because those you were up against were really bad and really good at what they do."

"We should have been better."

"In an ideal world, yes. The good guys would always win. But this isn't an ideal world, which is exactly why what you do is so important. Because what you do helps improve the balance. Unfortunately it also means you take more risks and face more danger and lose more than everyone else to do it."

"Maybe I'm not cut out for this job."

Alex moved closer to him and slipped her arm through his. "You are G. The very fact that you feel, is why you are cut out for this. If you didn't feel, then you'd more than likely end up the bad guy, in it only for yourself and not for the greater good."

Callen looked at her. "I lost you. I don't want lose Kensi too. It could have happened today. It could have been any of us."

"Yes it could have. But it was Dom."

"Dom was so young." Callen wished he'd gotten the chance to know his youngest team member better.

Alex nodded her head against his shoulder. "I know," she agreed softly.

"He had potential." Callen knew Sam had been training and pushing Dom hard and even though Sam may not have let on too much, he knew that Dom was improving and had the potential to be very good.

"Yes," Alex said. "And he had a reason for being where he was today."

Callen looked down at Alex and waited for her to look at him. "What do you know that I don't?"

Normally a comment like that would have had Alex teasing him but she didn't this time. This was too serious.

Alex smiled gently. "I know that his team was important to him and he didn't even have to think about stepping in front of the bullets to protect Sam. He just did it because he was willing to protect Sam at all costs. Just as the rest of you would do if it came down a choice between your life and one of the team. It's what makes you the team that you are."

"You've…" Callen wasn't quite sure he could ask the question.

Alex smiled. "Let's just say Lily and I are keeping an eye on Dom for the moment. Lily especially."

"Why?"

"She's enjoying herself."

Callen thought to himself that enjoying sounded like a strange word. Alex must have picked up on this as she explained further.

"G, Lily just wants to make you and Kensi feel better. She knows you both cared about him and she knows you're both sad. She figures that she can help by looking after Dom for you."

"How does she … see him? I thought you could only see those you were attached to."

"I think it's a little different with Lily, maybe because she didn't actually live in the world. Don't really know."

Callen smiled a little. "Sounds like we made a pretty good kid."

Alex grinned. "Yeah we did. But remember, this is pure and innocent Lily untainted by life or things of the world. If we'd lived I'm sure we would have had the usual problems as she grew up."

"Terrible twos, Teenage rebellion?" Callen asked, not really able to picture his little girl as a normal girl. She was too sweet.

Alex's eyebrows raised a little. "Hard to imagine isn't it?"

They were silent for a moment before Callen asked, "How do I get Kensi through this?"

"You don't."

Callen was surprised by that answer.

"You don't get her through this G," Alex continued. "You go through it with each other. You grieve together, be there for each other. You're going through it too. And you'll go through it differently to each other and the time it will take will be different."

Alex turned to face Callen and he turned around to her. "G, Kensi works in a world where she tries to be one of the guys. She needs to be tough, confident, capable and lock away emotions to be able to focus on the mission. Right now," Alex shook her head, "is not the time for her to be one of the guys in that respect. She needs to let her emotions run their course. And she needs to know that's okay. She also needs to know that somehow life's gonna get better even if it hurts like hell now. Eventually."

"What do I do?" Callen asked.

"You grieve, you let her see you hurting. You let her know what you are feeling. Don't lock it away from her. Put on a brave face for others if you have to but not her. If she can see you grieving too, she'll feel free to do that herself."

"You sure?"

Alex nodded. "We all need to have someone we are free to lose it with. Someone who can see us at our worst and still love us, despite all of that."

"I guess I should go find her." Callen wasn't entirely confident that Kensi would be ready for him but he didn't want to stay away from her any longer.

"Yep. Be gentle though. This is a big step in your relationship with her. Trust your instincts and you'll be fine."

Callen leant over and kissed Alex on her cheek. She slipped her arms around him and gave him a reassuring hug. "Thanks," he added.

"That's what friends are for."

"Best friends."

"Always my love."

* * *

 

Callen walked into Kensi's apartment quietly. He saw her sitting on the couch and carefully put his keys on the table beside the door and took a step closer to her.

She turned to look at him and Callen could see the tear streaked face, the red puffy eyes and the messed up hair. He wanted nothing more than to pull her into his arms and promise her everything would be fine. But instead he waited. His instincts told him that she needed a little time.

"What are you doing here?" Kensi demanded. "I said I wanted to be alone."

"You've had some time alone and now I need to say something that you need to hear. If you want me to go after that I'll leave, but not until you've heard me out."

Kensi shrugged and turned away. She picked up a beer off the table and took a mouthful. "Say what you want, then go. I'm not in the mood for company."

"Kenz," Callen started gently. "Look at me please."

He saw her shoulders rise and fall with a deep breath and then she turned her head to him, though he did notice that she kept her eyes averted.

"I'm sorry we weren't able to save Dom. I'm sorry we didn't find him earlier, that we weren't quick enough," Callen said. "We did the best we could."

Kensi snorted. "Best? Yeah right. Dom's dead. We didn't save him. We didn't do our best."

"Yes we did," Callen said firmly. He was glad that Alex had reassured him earlier otherwise he'd have probably just agreed with her. "We did."

Kensi glared at him. Callen took a breath and continued before she could say anything more.

"I'm sorry that I'm relieved," he admitted. "I'm relieved that it wasn't Sam, that I'm not grieving losing a team member and a brother." Callen heard the hitch in his voice but he continued. She needed to know it all and hopefully it would help her.

"I'm relieved that it wasn't you." That got her attention and she finally looked at him. "I'm relieved that I'm not mourning losing the woman I love… again. Because I don't think I can go through it again, no matter how many times Hetty throws me in the shower to sober me up. Losing you would be too much."

Callen swallowed past the lump in his throat and held Kensi's gaze. "I'm relieved that it wasn't me. Because if it was, that would mean you would be mourning losing another man you love and I never want to put you through that."

He heard Kensi choke back a sob and noticed that she no longer look angry. Incredibly sad and distressed, yes, but not angry. That boded well for her not to kick him out with this last admission. He felt a tear fall from his eye down his face and watched Kensi's gaze follow it before returning to his.

"And I hate the fact that I am relieved that it was Dom who died today. I'm relieved it was him because that means I'm only mourning the loss of a team member. I didn't know Dom well and I probably should've known gotten to know him better, but I didn't. He wasn't a brother, he wasn't my partner. He was just a team member, my youngest team member that I should have been able to protect better but I didn't get the chance. I didn't love Dom, not like Sam or you. I hate …."

Callen couldn't go on any more because suddenly Kensi threw herself off the couch and into his arms.

His went securely around her and held her tight. He felt the sobs wracking her body, felt the tears soak into his shoulder and felt his own fall from his eyes unhindered.

"I couldn't think it," Kensi whispered in his ear though her crying. "It felt so bad to think that. But I feel it too."

"We'll get through this Kenz," Callen whispered back. "I promise we will."

He lifted her up into his arms, secure in the knowledge she wouldn't be kicking him out any time soon and made his way to the bedroom. He settled them on the bed and held her while they both cried. Hers loud, distressed sobbing. His simply tears running down his face.

But she knew.

Kensi knew he was hurting, she knew he had opened a door to the inner emotions of G Callen and she knew that he would do everything he could to continue to let her see into him. And she knew that she was free to be emotional with him. So she let it all out and eventually fell asleep.

When she was asleep, Callen gently placed her on the pillow and covered her with a blanket. He had something he needed to do before he too went to sleep.

He made his way quietly to her living room, found a piece of paper and pen and sat down at the table. After a few moments of thought, he started writing.

_ Dear Kensi. _

_ If you're reading this then I guess I wasn't successful in reaching old and grey. _

_ Our lives are risky. What we do is risky. But we do it because we care and because we are good at it. _

_ Please know that somehow, some way, I'll be watching out for you even though I'm gone. Something tells me I'll be successful in that area at least. _

_ I love you. You helped me through an incredibly difficult time and I want you to know that what you did, your patience and encouragement, your acceptance of Alex and the relationship that I had with her, was why I was able to move on with you. Knowing that you knew there was no competition. _

_ I know it's hard for you to even think this, but I do hope that you can find love again. It made the world of difference to me when I finally opened my eyes and you were there. I went from just existing and doing my job to having a life to look forward to – to having a life again. _

_ You are one of the most loving and accepting women I have ever met and I feel privileged that you were willing to fight for me and love me. I want you to remember how happy you made me and know that without your love, I would have just been existing, not living. _

_ I love you Kensi. Always will. _

_ G _


	23. Hunted

* * *

 

"How'd you stop?" Kensi asked when Callen sat down on the couch next to her.

He'd just finished updating Dom's file with the details of Keshwar and the mission they'd just finished. He wanted to make sure all the information about why Dom had died was recorded, including the army's failure to inform them they had Keshwar – even if they couldn't have traded Dom for him.

"Stop what?" he asked.

Kensi looked at him. "Stop hunting them down … Killing them all." She turned her head away quickly before continuing. "When I was pulling the trigger, when we took Medina down … it felt so good," she admitted, somewhat reluctantly Callen could tell. "And then Keshwar was just standing there and I wanted to," Kensi continued. "I really, really wanted to put a bullet in him – more to be honest. If it wasn't for him, Dom would still be here."

Callen could feel the tension and grief radiating from her. It was just as strong as it had been the night Dom had died.

"Kenz," he said softly and waited patiently for her to look at him. "I know. I felt it too. But you didn't."

"I wanted to," she replied.

"But you didn't," Callen added. "And that is a good thing – trust me."

Kensi sat up a little straighter and caught her bottom lip a touch nervously between her teeth. She took a breath and then asked, "Will you tell me more about it? About after Alex died?"

No almost slipped from his lips, but Callen stopped the automatic response and thought for a moment. If there was ever a time when Kensi would really understand, and possibly get some help from this story, it was now. But could he do it? Could he tell her about that deeply dark place he'd gone? A place that at the time felt darker than Hell would have – after all, Hell had fire at least to give it some light, assuming Hell actually existed that is.

Kensi must have sensed his indecision and quickly asked, "What about Nathan? He and Alex were partners. How did he deal with it? What did he do to get through it?" she asked instead, giving him an out if he wanted it.

Callen took it, at least temporarily, feeling that maybe telling her about Nathan might give her some hope for the future. It was a nice place to start at least.

Nathan.

Kensi would connect more with Nathan as he was Alex's partner. He nodded and smiled a little.

"After we got the man responsible Nathan finished up their assignments and got a transfer to a small town in Montana. It was a demotion, in a way. He took a local cop job rather than another detective position, but it was a change he needed. He needed something else, something happier than just finding and fighting the bad guys and the darker side of life. There he got a chance to help the people and get to know them in the town. To join in the good times not just the bad and to get to know faces as actual people not simply a name connected to investigations." He chuckled. "One of his first arrests ended up being one of the local school teachers. He caught her driving the principal's car one night, lights off, just after it had been reported stolen."

Callen had kept up with Nathan. The occasional email here and there. He'd yet to visit him but Nathan understood. Callen didn't want to risk his life and past taking anything more from Nathan than it already had. Nathan still continued to invite Callen to visit and remind him he was always welcome. Maybe one day he'd take him up on it.

"What was the real story?" Kensi asked, prompting Callen to continue.

"It was the principal's tenth anniversary at the school and as a bit of a reward, all the teachers had gotten together to organise a detail and new paint job for his car. This teacher – Marnie - was taking it to the mechanic's and, apparently, whoever had been responsible for keeping the principal busy that night got sick so she got caught taking the car."

Kensi smiled a little. "What did he do?"

"Short term – decided not to arrest her after all and helped out. Long term, married her." Callen smiled again. "They've got twins, 3 year old twin boys. Zander and Jordan. He's happy again now. Marnie really helped him get through losing Alex."

"Zander?" Kensi queried.

Callen nodded. "Yep, named after Alex."

So that covered Nathan's recovery and now it was time for the darker part of it. Callen took a breath and then started, weaving his together with a little more of Nathan's. It was time to share his part of it with someone. He hadn't done that yet – Not with Nate. Not with Hetty, though Hetty had probably figured out most of it anyway.

"It started out that all we could think of was getting whoever was responsible." Callen sensed Kensi's stillness as he started. She knew this wasn't about Nathan anymore. "It totally consumed me. Hetty let me go with it, for a while anyway. Nathan and I. We, ate, slept and breathed revenge. There's no other way to describe it."

Because it wasn't justice exactly. It was definitely revenge. A burning, all-consuming revenge. Even when he slept, he dreamt of ways to get them. Though whether dream was an appropriate description was debatable. Nightmare was probably better, especially on the nights where he saw Alex die all over again – more than once because those were the nights he got locked in his nightmare and couldn't get out. Those nights were partly responsible for his lack of sleeping. If he never went deeply to sleep, the nightmares couldn't grab hold too tight.

Callen took a breath and continued. "As time went on though, the body count got higher and it wasn't just about getting the guy who ordered it or did it. In my mind, anyone connected to them were just as guilty and deserved the same fate. Nathan pulled back much sooner than I did. Once we got the one responsible it was like his hunger and fire disappeared. I guess you could describe him like a gas fire. Burns nice and hot but when you flick the switch to off, it goes out. Me. I was the opposite. I was like a wildfire – the more it burned, the hotter it was and the more uncontrollable it got. It scared me, a lot."

Until now he hadn't admitted to anyone that it scared him. That out of control feeling, the lack of concern about the collateral damage of his rampage. It was something he never wanted to experience again.

"If it wasn't for the letter from Alex and Hetty's … " Callen paused to figure out what to call Hetty's help. " _ Encouragement _ I don't know if I could've come back from that. I was losing who I was, Kenz. There wasn't much of me left. Alex's letter gave me something to reach for, hold on to and try to get back to – a beacon of sorts. At least in terms of work. I couldn't be the man she loved all those years because without her, I couldn't be him. But I could at least get back on track for getting the bad guys – the real bad guys, not their pool cleaners. She didn't want me to change and she helped me see who I really was, through her eyes. And that helped me come back."

Callen paused to consider if there was anything else he wanted to say. He wasn't sure he could keep going. There was more he could tell her, more detail and emotion but he wasn't sure he was ready for that yet. If he was to admit the truth, he wasn't sure he ever wanted to go back there anymore. For so long he'd avoided it because it hurt too much. Now he was pretty sure he didn't want to revisit that time too closely because finally he was happy again and didn't want to risk being pulled back into that time. He was, to some degree, afraid of the person he'd been then. Afraid that the darkness might find a way to grab hold and pull him back in. He liked the light in his life now. He liked his life now.

Kensi nodded and let him know he didn't have to continue. "That's good to know Nathan got through it. I guess he doesn't have commitment issues."

"Meaning?" Callen asked, wondering about the rather different direction the conversation was now going in. Perhaps Kensi could sense how tense he was, having now told his story and was trying to lighten the mood. If that was her plan, it was working. He could feel the tension starting to leave his shoulders and felt his posture relax a little.

Kensi chuckled. "You and I. We have both have commitment issues. All the men I care about leave. You've locked yourself off for so long keeping your heart hidden."

"Maybe we were like that," Callen admitted, "but I think we're doing a pretty good job considering. I think it's not so much the commitment but finding the perfect person to take the risk with."

"I'm not perfect," Kensi denied.

Callen gave her a lopsided grin that sent Kensi's heart rate up a little, like it always did.

"Never said you were," he added. "However, you are the perfect woman for me to try again."

Kensi raised her eyebrows curiously. "Try what again?"

"Commit. Stick around. Not run away," he replied. "A lot has changed in this last year Kenz. Between you and Alex, you've helped me change. You've helped me find the man I once was – outside of work."

Callen saw the tears hovering in Kensi's eyes at his words. She had helped him recover, just as much as Alex. Without Kensi, he'd just be a shell of a man, working to get the bad guys. Now he was a man, living life and enjoying it. Enjoying life with her.

"A lot has changed." Kensi was silent for a moment and Callen watched as he could almost see the grief starting to envelope her again. "What do I do?" she asked. "Dom didn't leave me a letter to help me get through this. He didn't tell me not to change. What do I have that's going to help like that did for you?"

Callen reached over, turned her face gently toward him and looked her directly in the eyes. Then he said softly, "Me."

 


	24. Burned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note Bolded parts are direct from the episode, I definitely do not own those.

* * *

 

His heart was pounding in his chest. His eyes and instincts focused on getting him away from the situation as cleanly as possible whilst his mind was whirl of different emotions. One word kept repeating itself in his head.

_ Callen _

How did he know my name? My real name, not the alias I'm supposed to be this morning.

_ Callen _

I've never seen him before. How long had he been following me?

_ Callen _

Damn. What did I miss? What did I do to get caught?

_ Callen. Callen. Callen. _

The name continued to repeat over and over in his mind as he disappeared into the crowds.

It kept repeating as he stood by the crashing waves.

It was time to do what he did best.

Be a ghost.

Kensi was going to hate him for this, but it was better than the alternative. Hopefully this would be over soon and he'd be back with her. He'd rather she hated him than … No, he wouldn't even think it. He looked at the phone and typed, hit send and then looked out over the waves. He threw the phone as far and hard as he could before he turned away.

Hetty would take care of Kensi. She'd promised him that much a long time ago.

* * *

"Miss Blye."

Hetty's voice stopped Kensi as she was walking away from Ops. She turned slowly and eyed her boss skeptically.

"Where are you going?" Hetty asked her.

Kensi opened her mouth but the lie wouldn't come. Not when she knew Hetty could see it on her face clearly.

"You know where."

"Do you?" Hetty asked cryptically.

Kensi's shoulders dropped. "No. But I'll find him. I have to find him."

Hetty shook her head. "No. You have to let him come back to us when he is ready. When he feels it is safe."

Kensi felt like stomping her foot in a childish tantrum but she didn't. Damn Callen. She knew he was just trying to protect them all but really, didn't he know it yet, that they were better together.

"Take a breath Kensi and think about that a little longer. In this case you are not better together. It's more dangerous that way."

Kensi's eyes widened. Since when could Hetty read minds?

"He never told me about the Beauregard Protocol. Why not?" Kensi asked.

"Because he hoped never to have to put it in place. You all have your protocols and plans if you get made. This is simply his."

"But to disappear so completely. We'd be able to help." It wasn't that Kensi didn't think Callen could make it on his own, but things had changed in this last year. Surely going completely off the grid like this wasn't necessary.

Hetty stepped close to Kensi and lowered her voice. "Beauregard happened after Alex. Callen didn't want to put anyone at risk. He was more aware, more … paranoid even. He always wondered if there was something he had missed. That if he'd just been a little more alert he could have saved her. Beauregard was a condition of his return to work. That he be allowed to disappear and we would wait for him to come back to us if he felt he was compromised. We weren't to go after him. It is a more radical plan than most agents but it is his way."

"Do you know how to get in touch with him?" Kensi asked, annoyed with herself at the amount of emotion the slipped through in her tone.

Hetty reached out a hand and place it on her shoulder. "No my dear, I do not. I'm sorry."

Hetty stepped back and started heading toward the stairs. She tossed over her shoulder, "Be thankful it wasn't the Baltimore Protocol otherwise you'd be in Ops on lockdown until further notice."

"What? Why?" Kensi called out but Hetty continued walking away leaving the cryptic comment hanging in the air

_ Baltimore. _

Why did that name sound familiar? Kensi stood there as her mind worked overtime to work it out.

_ Baltimore. Baltimore. Baltimore. _

Then Kensi remembered.

_ Alex _

Obviously Callen had more than one plan in place. And obviously the Baltimore Protocol would mean she was in danger.

* * *

Callen looked down at list in his hand again. A list of all the foster homes he'd stayed in.

How? There were even ones NCIS didn't know about.

He looked at the flash drive and reached inside the envelope for the address. But there was more than one piece of paper inside.

He unfolded it and stared in horror, his stomach dropping to his knees. He couldn't believe what he had in his hands. He read the words on the top of the page.

_ They were watching then and they are watching now. I know who they are. _

Underneath those words were two pictures.

One of him and Alex – the day Alex was shot. It was a photo of him sitting there on the ground with her bleeding out in his arms.

Another was of him and Kensi outside her apartment; from just last week if he remembered correctly when Kensi had been wearing that red shirt.

Hell, Keelson was right. NCIS had been compromised; through not only Keelson but whoever was tracking him. Obviously whoever  _ they  _ were, were good since he had no idea he'd been followed. How badly had they been compromised though he wasn't sure.

He started to reach for the phone to text Hetty.

_ Baltimore.  _ Another one he'd hoped never to have to use.

He was about to pull the phone from his pocket when he remembered Keelson's threat.

_ Contact anyone and the deal is off. _

He also he realised something else. He'd already got those who were responsible for Alex's death. Whoever  _ they _ were, he had a gut feeling that they weren't out to get him in that way otherwise they already would have made an attempt.

He looked at his watched and started to move. Twenty nine minutes to go.

* * *

_ (Additional bit for the Sam & Callen's scene in the park.) _

"How's Kensi?" Callen asked while watching some children run around nearby.

Sam continued to stare out at the ocean as her answered. "Worried. She'll be mad when she knows I've seen you."

"It's for her own good Sam."

"You know that and I know that but will she?"

"I hope so."

**"Keep your head down, stay out of sight G," Sam said as he got up and left.**

Callen turned his head away and said, "Keep her safe."

"You don't need to ask," Sam assured his partner just louder enough for Callen to hear as he strode away.

"I know," Callen said quietly to himself. "I know."

* * *

"You've seen him?"

Kensi's question demanded a truthful answer. Anything less and Sam knew he'd be in trouble. He could see the frustration in her eyes, hear it in her tone and read it in her body language.

"Kensi calm down. Yes. I've seen him. He's my partner. We pre-arranged a meeting place a long time ago."

"Why didn't he do that with me?" Her eyes flashed in anger. "I mean we're partners too in a different way but still. I can't believe he never did that with -."

"Kensi." Sam said her name so firmly that she stopped her rant and stared at him.

"Kensi, he didn't do it with you because he didn't want to risk it."

"Risk what? Seeing me."

Sam shook his head. "Kenz, to G, it doesn't matter what his enemy does to him, he can take anything. He'll deal with anything and make it through unless they kill him."

Kensi blanched at the words. Sam continued, his voice softening a little though. "Kenz, if his enemies got you, that … that would destroy him and he can't risk that again."

"Oh."

Kensi didn't know what else to say. Suddenly all the anger and frustration she felt against the situation and yes, admittedly toward Callen disappeared. She felt deflated and a little childish. But there was also a little flutter of something else – something that she wasn't sure she wanted to feel but she did anyway. She was, in a strange way, pleased that she meant so much to someone.

"I'm sorry Sam," she said sincerely.

"Not a problem Kenz. I promised him I'd take care of you so do me a favour and let me."

Kensi nodded. "I will."

* * *

( _ at the Observatory, after Callen shoots Keelson) _

"Callen!"

Callen turned at the sound of Kensi voice and saw her running toward him, her eyes on Keelson's body. She stopped right next to him and, in one fluid motion, holstered her gun and threw her arms around him.

"Are you all right? I heard the shots."

Callen's arms slipped around her waist and pulled her into his side. "I'm fine Kenz. I'm fine."

Callen felt some of the tension leave him with her presence but he wasn't fine. Not really. Physically yes, but not the rest. He'd just killed the one lead he had in knowing about his past.

Kensi pulled her head back a little and studied his face. "What happened?"

Callen glanced at Keelson's body. "He was going to kill me and run. If he hadn't gone to shoot me, I just might have let him go. But he didn't give me a choice. It was him or me."

"It's all right Callen," Kensi assured him. "You couldn't risk it. He'd compromised everyone."

"I know. But for a moment, I was really tempted to let him go."

Kensi frowned. "What? Why would you-"

Callen put a finger on her lips to stop her. Then he pulled out the piece of paper from his pocket and handed it to her – the one with the picture of her and Alex on it. A similar shocked expression appeared on her face when she realised the implications.

Kensi looked back up at him. "Who took these?" she asked, a hint of fear creeping into her voice that Callen heard.

"I don't know. But there's more Kensi. Keelson knew so much about me. I was this close to finding out who I am. And now… " Callen sighed and looked out over the city below. "I was close to finally knowing."

Kensi tucked the piece of paper in her pocket and tightened her arms around him. She rested her head on his shoulder. "You know who you are Callen. You are a great agent, one of the good guys and… " She paused and lifted her head. "A great partner," she added with a grin that she hoped would make him smile, because she wasn't referring to his relationship with Sam.

It didn't work.

"There's so much I don't know. Where I came from? My name? Who took those photos? How long have they been following me? I've been searching for so long. I'd almost given up hope that I'd ever find anything."

This he hadn't even admitted to himself. He'd held onto the hope that someday he'd find it all out. Even when he went through times in his life when he didn't actively look, the hope was still there. But he had to admit now, that for a while, it had been fading away to almost nothing.

"The information is out there Callen. We'll find it, if that's what you want," Kensi said.

"It's not just want Kenz. I really need to know." Callen took a deep breath, glanced Keelson's way and let the breath out slowly. "He found out. If he can do it, so can I."

Kensi smiled reassuringly. "Good. Now you know you're going to have to show Hetty this," she said, pulling the paper out of her pocket again.

Callen nodded. "Yeah. And explain why I kept it from her."

"Why did you?" Kensi asked.

Callen smiled a little. "The truth or what I'm going to tell Hetty?"

Kensi lifted an eyebrow. "I think I'd rather the truth."

He was glad she chose that option because he was still trying to figure out an acceptable explanation for Hetty that wouldn't get him in too much trouble.

"Because it meant I had a picture of you with me whilst I was out in the cold."

* * *

_ (back in the office when Sam and Kensi are talking Game and Callen arrives) _

**"** **_But that jacket you're wearing. It takes a unique kind of girl to pull that off."_ **

**_Callen glanced at Sam, grinned and then started to walk away._ **

"Hey!" Kensi called out as she stood up. Callen stopped and turned back. "How did you know about that?" Kensi looked at Sam. "Did you tell him?"

Sam shook his head.

"No," Callen replied, drawing Kensi's attention back to him. "I was there, Kenz. Did you really think I'd let you go out alone looking like you did?"

Kensi frowned in confusion. Callen moved closer reached out to touch her cheek.

"Kenz. You're mine. Keeping up a cover ID is one thing, but letting some creep take you home… Not gonna happen."


	25. Callen, G

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the final instalment for Season 1.  
> Just a small note about this bit. In the episode regarding Callen's crash, I’ve never been able to figure out exactly what went on with regards to his seat-belt. So, because the bunnies refused to co-operate unless we went with the "he didn't put it on" scenario that's what happened for this story.  
> You see when he first gets in the car and speeds off he's not wearing it and you never see him put it on. But when he is driving, he has it on. Then once he's crashed it doesn't look like it's on. So I had two theories. One – the seat-belt being on whilst driving was a goof. Or two – the seat-belt broke during the accident. Personally, option two was a little scary to consider since seat-belts are supposed to protect you in terms of accidents so we decided to work with option one and go with the no seat-belt option. The bunnies hope you don't mind that little tweak to the story.

* * *

Callen felt the impact right through his body when the blue van side-swiped his as well as the next one when he careened into the stationary one. He felt the car launch into the air and that unmistakable flying sensation – the one you really don't want to experience.

And, as the car started to flip over and his body started to move out of his seat, his life started to flash before his eyes. Not in the traditional way though. This time it was his current life. Kensi. Pictures of Kensi. Of her smiling, laughing, crying, teasing. Of her splashing him at the beach last weekend and when she's come up completely drenched and laughing after he'd dumped her in the waves.

"I'm sorry Kenz."

Because he'd forgotten to put on his seatbelt in the rush to follow Akbari. Given his speed, and his current trajectory of his car, he'd be incredibly lucky to get out of this accident – at all. A lecture from Hetty about the necessity of safety precautions would be most welcome instead of what was coming.

If only…

Suddenly he was on the footpath, watching his car slam sideways into the ground and continue to roll in slow motion down the street.

"What the…?"

He felt a soft hand on his arm and turned.

"G."

"Alex?" He frowned, closed his eyes and sighed. "I'm dead again."

"No G." She shook her head. "But you would have been if we'd left you in the car."

"We?"

"Yeah. We."

Callen turned to the rough masculine voice coming from his other side.

James.

James looked furious.

"If you ever," James continued menacingly and stepped closer to Callen, "ever, get in a car without a seat-belt again, I will personally kick your arse to the far side of the moon and back. She's not ready to bury another man she loves and I'm sure as hell not about to let that happen. She loves you. So help me Callen…"

Alex laid a hand on James' arm. "James." Her soft voice stopped him and James looked briefly at Alex.

Callen's lips couldn't help the twitching of a smile, even under the strange circumstances. He'd see that calming effect of Alex's more than once. Often he'd been the recipient but he also known she could do it with just about anyone.

James turned back to Callen. The fury was still in his eyes, but his voice was decidedly calmer. "Don't mess up the future Callen. She needs you and you need her. Don't lose that." James then turned back to watch the car.

Callen glanced at the car then to Alex.

"How?" he asked.

Alex shrugged. "Not really sure but we couldn't let it happen. G, you've just started living again and you've got so much more to experience." She smiled softly. "But please, don't lose your future by going back into the past."

Callen frowned. Alex continued.

"I know more than anyone why you need to know about your past. I just don't want you to lose what's coming by going back. Look back, yes. Find out what you need to know but don't get lost in it, G. Don't die for your past. Live for your future."

They both turned back and watched the car slowly go into its last flip.

As Callen turned back to Alex he found he was no longer on the footpath but back in the car and slowly heading toward the roof.

"Ow!" His head hit the roof and he was uncomfortably placed upside down. But he was alive and relatively unhurt though he was sure he'd be sore tomorrow.

The car stopped and settled. He breathed a sigh of relief and looked around. He caught sight of Alex at the window reaching into the car and frowned.

She smiled and nudged his gun within reach. "You'll need this. Good luck G."

Callen looked through the window past her; saw the blue van and the feet walking toward him. His heart started to race. He reached for the gun.

* * *

 

"I can't believe Hetty only suspended you for a day." Kensi leaned against her desk and watched Callen carefully. He'd said they were good earlier but she couldn't shake the feeling he thought the burning of the data warehouse was partly her fault. She had no reason to feel that but she did anyway.

Callen shrugged. The piece of paper in his hand felt like it was burning a hole in it. "Guess I got lucky."

"Hmm, more than just with Hetty. I saw the crash." Kensi subtly moved her body a little closer to Callen's desk. "How did you…." She trailed off not really sure she wanted to discuss anything that would bring back that vision.

"A couple of angels and a miracle."

Kensi frowned for a moment before saying softly, "Alex and Lily?"

Callen shook his head. "Alex and James."

"Oh."

Callen looked down at his hand.

"Callen, are you sure you don't want me to come with you?" Kensi asked him. She knew it had been a huge day for him and wondered if he'd need a little support with this.

Callen glanced back at her, stood up and shook his head. "No. I think I need to do this myself."

He started to walk away.

"Callen," Kensi called out.

He turned back.

"Are you sure we're okay?" she asked again. The uncertainness she felt definitely came through in her voice but she didn't care. There weren't too many people she could be straight with and she certainly didn't want to start hiding things from Callen. This relationship was too important to start messing it up with lies.

Callen nodded. "Yeah Kenz. We're good. It's just been a …. bit rough. We're good." He smiled and moved away.

This time she just watched him go. When he was out of sight she moved to the couch and sank into it. He was right. It had been rough. Rough enough on her but way harder on him. The things he'd found out and lost all in the one hit. A sister, a family, his past. So close yet so far away again.

"Kensi," came a soft voice from next to her.

Kensi looked up from her hands and saw Alex. She glanced around but there was no one close enough in the office to hear her. She looked back to Alex.

"Hi." There was shock in her voice. Then she started to worry and the tension flooded into her shoulders. "Is Callen okay?" He couldn't be out of the car park but the last time Alex had come to her was when he was having that nightmare.

Alex smiled and nodded. "He's fine. I'm here for you this time."

"Oh." Kensi paused. "So you know what happened?"

Alex nodded. "I know the files burned. I know there was one on him and I know you feel responsible even though you aren't."

Kensi slumped back in her chair. "Callen thinks I am." Even though he said they were fine, she wasn't very reassured. He'd been so distant both times, like he was somewhere else.

"He doesn't blame you," Alex said. "Trust me. G isn't entirely sure what he is feeling at the moment. His past has always been an iffy topic and there's so much happening right now about it, but he doesn't blame you. This I know."

Kensi would take the reassurance, after all, Alex knew Callen better than anyone. "Was he this obsessed when you were together?" she asked, though she wished she hadn't the moment she said the words.

"No."

Kensi's shoulders dropped. "So you were enough for him, but I'm not."

Alex shook her head and moved a little closer to Kensi. "No Kensi. That's not it at all. If anything, I'm the problem."

Kensi frowned. "I don't understand."

Alex sighed softly. "I'm not sure how well I can explain it but I'll try. When G and I were together, we had this general idea of where our future was headed. We didn't really talk about it, it was just there. One day a family. A long and happy future together. Strange I know considering the life we lived. The past didn't matter. G was who he was, it didn't matter how he got there. I was who I was, it didn't matter how I got there. He'd always wanted to know where he had come from but we were together, we had a future, we were happy with what we had. The past wasn't all that important anymore."

"But it is now," Kensi interrupted dejectedly. "Sorry."

Alex smiled in acceptance of the apology. "He'd looked. He'd tried but he hadn't been able to get anything and with a future clear in his mind he was able to get past that. That's not to say he didn't think about it from time to time, or occasionally try again."

Alex paused whilst she thought.

"So why can't he get to that with me," Kensi asked, her voice tinged with sadness and disappointment. "I'm not going anywhere."

"So you say. So did I," Alex said. "Kensi, his past is important to him now, more than ever. Because he doesn't want it to take you away too. Like it did me."

Kensi was silent for a moment as the words sunk in.

"It was someone from his past that had me killed," Alex continued. "That took away that family and future he'd been able to see so clearly. The hope that even though he hadn't had it in the past, he wouldn't miss out altogether."

Kensi nodded in understanding. "So he wants to find anyone in his past who is a threat and take them down before they take me down."

"Or him. Because he doesn't want you to go through what he went through. And if he doesn't know his past, he doesn't know who could be a threat. It's not that you aren't good enough Kensi. You are more than good enough. You are perfect for him." Alex put her hand over Kensi's. "It's that he wants to be good enough for you and sometimes … sometimes when he thinks about his past and how much he doesn't know and what it could do to you, he doesn't feel good enough. Or maybe he doesn't feel strong enough to protect you. And he needs to prove to himself that he is."

"He is," Kensi protested.

"You know that and I know that," Alex agreed. "Now we just have to convince him of that."

"How?" Kensi asked.

"That my dear, is the million dollar question. Care to try and answer it with me?"

"Absolutely."

* * *

 

_ At the cemetery. _

Callen walked slowly across the green grass and between the palm trees. Maybe he should have taken Kensi up on her offer. He could do with a little something extra right now.

But he hadn't and now he had to deal with this alone.

He had to admit that, at the time, alone had been what he wanted. He needed a little time and space. He knew Kensi wasn't responsible for the files and the warehouse being destroyed but there was a part of him that was using blaming her as a focus, as something to try and get him away from the fact that his past had been so close and he'd lost it. Twice. Not just at the warehouse but with shooting Keelson. None of it was Kensi's fault and he just needed a little time to work on getting over it.

But still, company right now would have been very reassuring.

He felt something nudge his hand and looked down just as a little hand slipped into his and held on. A beautiful little face with blue eyes and green sparkles smiled up at him.

"Hi Daddy," Lily said happily.

"Hi."

Lily skipped along beside him. "So is Amy my Aunt?"

"Yeah, I guess she was."

"Do you remember her?" Lily asked.

Callen stopped. So did Lily. Right now, he wasn't ready to face the grave, but a little time with Lily might just be the comfort that he needed.

He crouched down to be at her height. "Only a little. I'm hoping I'll get some more memories back sometime." He looked at Lily carefully. "Actually, I think she looked a bit like you."

Lily grinned happily. "Cool."

Callen smiled back.

"Daddy."

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay?"

Callen nodded. "I'm fine. Better now actually. Thank you."

"Do you want me to stay with you?"

Callen thought for a moment. "Maybe you could walk me a little closer, but I think this might be something I need to do on my own."

Lily nodded and slipped her hand back into Callen's when he stood up. They moved slowly toward the grave.

Just as Callen was about to stop and say goodbye, Lily left him with one final comment that floored him and would stay in his mind for a long time to come.

"You know Daddy, I think I'd make a pretty cool big sister."

 


	26. In between

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one’s a little dark, delving into Callen's darkness after Alex died.  
> Trigger warning - Mentions suicide.

* * *

"Callen?" Kensi's voice pulled Callen from his distracted state.

"Sorry, you were saying?"

Kensi raised her eyebrows a little. "Yeah, what was I saying?" she asked him.

"I'm sorry Kenz. I'm just a little distracted."

"Really? I hadn't noticed," Kensi replied sarcastically, yet gently. She reached out her hand and placed in reassuringly on his leg. "You've been a little out of it since your visit to the cemetery. Are you still thinking about the guy who got away?"

Callen shook his head. "It's not about that. Well it is, but it isn't."

Kensi just waited.

Callen took a breath. "I saw Lily and something she said and it's kind of got me thinking about stuff."

"What kind of stuff?"

Callen look at Kensi and struggled about what to tell her. He was so confused right now and he had a feeling that where this conversation might go… actually should go…was somewhere he really didn't want to go. But Kensi deserved better than his silence and he was slowly growing out of the "don't talk personal" deal he usually had going, at least with her. Now it looked like he'd have to take a pretty big leap right now.

Callen did smile though at the first part he got to tell her. "She thinks she'd make a pretty cool big sister," he said.

Kensi's eyes widened a little. "She said that?"

"And I quote 'You know Daddy, I think I'd make a pretty cool big sister'. Just dropped that little bomb and then disappeared."

Kensi couldn't help the light laugh that escaped her.

"You think it's funny?" Callen was having a hard time not joining in. Right now he could do with a little laughter.

"Oh yeah, it's funny and I so, so wish I could've seen your face."

Callen leant back against the couch and pulled Kensi to him. "I'm pretty sure it's as shocked as you are imagining."

Kensi snuggled in. "She's right you know. She would make a really cool big sister. Aside from the fact she's a cool kid, she's got the whole angel thing going for her." She swallowed nervously, not sure where this conversation was going to go. They'd mentioned the kid factor before, not often though. It just wasn't like it was a generally discussed topic.

"Kenz," Callen said gently while stroking her hair. "Do you want kids?"

Kensi tilted her head up to look at him. "Yes," she answered simply. "And yes, I would like them with you. But what about you?"

"What do you mean what about me?" Callen asked.

"Do you want them?"

Callen didn't quite know how to answer that. He wasn't sure anymore. His mind was so messed up at the moment.

Kensi pulled away and turned to face him properly. "Callen?" she nudged gently for an answer.

"I don't know," he all but whispered. "I don't know Kenz."

Kensi struggled with the slight pain that started to make itself known somewhere in the vicinity of her heart. She loved Callen and she wanted kids with him. She knew he might not be ready yet. She knew that, whilst he was definitely getting over and moving on from the loss of Alex, the loss of Lily was a totally different matter. She had hoped that together they could get through anything. She took a deep breath and reminded herself of his answer – I don't know. Not a flat out no.

"Talk to me please," Kensi said. "Please don't shut me out on this."

Callen reached for her hand. "I'm not. I'm scared Kenz. What if…. what if that dark place I went to wasn't because of Alex? What if it was because of Lily? What if we had a child and something happened to him or her and I went there again?"

Kensi tightened her hold on his hand and leaned a little closer. "Callen, even if that did happen, you wouldn't alone. I'd be there with you. We'd get through it."

"You don't understand Kenz," Callen replied with a shake of his head.

"Then make me," Kensi begged him. "Help me understand why you are so scared."

Callen struggled with his breathing for a minute. "Where I went, you can't get any darker."

Kensi frowned and her expression changed as she seemed to realise where Callen was going with this. "What are trying to say Callen?" She didn't want to put it in words, just in case she was wrong. He needed to do it for her.

Callen caught her gaze and held it for a moment. He saw the fear and worry in her eyes. He saw the love and concern in her eyes. And he held onto that love and opened his mouth to say the words he'd never told anyone.

"I wanted to die. I tried … I tried to die."

* * *

 

_ Seven'ish years ago _

Callen stared at the two photos on the table before him.

Alex and him.

Their baby. So tiny. Just a black and white tiny, barely formed body.

A baby he'd never have the chance to know, to hold, to kiss, to tickle.

Tears poured down his face and he downed another mouthful of bourbon. He'd lost track of how many bottles of alcohol he'd been through since Hetty had put him on leave.

Compassionate leave she'd called it.

"Compassionate my arse," he slurred.

Compassion would have been to allow him to lose himself in his work. To hunt down the lowlifes of the world who thought they could get away with destroying others. They didn't deserve to live.

He looked at the photos again. Alex and their baby.

"They deserved to live," he muttered and took another swig.

"G don't do this."

He heard her voice.

He kept hearing her voice.

But she wasn't here anymore.

She was gone.

He'd never see her, never touch her, never kiss her, hold her, marry her, live happily ever after.

It was all gone. One bullet had taken everything from him.

He had nothing left.

Nothing at all to live for.

"G don't," she begged him.

He looked at the bottle in his hand. Three quarters empty and still he hurt. For most of the last three weeks, the drunker he was the less it hurt, but today was different.

He glanced around the room and even though he was drunk – mind you, drunk was nowhere near a strong enough description on just how intoxicated he was – he could still quickly count at least twelve empty bottles and knew that the bin was full in the kitchen. He vaguely wondered if he'd managed to replace his body's blood with alcohol yet and even more vaguely wondered just how he was still functioning and hadn't passed out cold days ago.

He took another mouthful and then in a fit of rage at how nothing was stopping the pain anymore, through it at the wall.

He missed.

It hit the mantelpiece over the fireplace and knocked a photo frame off the shelf onto the floor where it proceeded to smash.

He jumped up, stumbled around the table and grabbed the photo. But he wasn't quick enough and he starred at it as the brown liquid made the ink of the photo blur together.

He let out a painful scream that felt like it was tearing him in half.

The picture was precious. It was his and Alex's first Christmas together. His first real Christmas.

The sobs tore at his throat and chest. The tears flowed.

He shook his head. "I can't do this."

He stood up and determinedly walked toward the cupboard on the other side of the room.

"I have nothing to live for, but I have everything to die for," he said to himself. By some miracle he made it to the cupboard, opened it and, after a few mistakes, managed to open the safe that held his gun. He pulled out the bullets too and walked to the couch.

He sat down. He stared at the gun and the bullets he'd placed on the table.

The tears were still pouring down his face. He had no idea how to stop them. The pain in his chest was unbearable and it had just continued to get worse through the day. It felt like he was being torn apart. Day after day, night after night, unless he was fuelled with enough alcohol the pain was too consuming. But today, today it just kept getting worse.

"No G. Please," her voice begged.

He shook his head. "I can't live without you."

"Yes. Yes you can. You aren't alone. G please. Please don't do this."

"I have to. I can't live without you and I can't live with this pain. It should've been me. They should've taken me instead. You're stronger than me. You'd have survived. But I can't."

"G you are strong. You're just hurting."

He could hear the tears in her voice and the sadness. She sounded so close. It was as if she was right next to him. Almost like if he turned around he'd see her sitting there.

"I'll see you soon. I love you," he said.

He reached for the bullets and the gun. With surprisingly steady hands, he loaded the weapon – fully. Just in case he missed he wasn't going to only have one round. He didn't want to survive just because his aim was off and he only had one chance.

Once the gun was loaded, he looked at the photos again.

"I'm coming," he whispered. "I'm coming too."

He raised the gun. Put it right between his eyes. He closed his eyes, pulled the trigger and, for once in as long as he could remember, he was looking forward to what happened next.

The gun clicked, but didn't fire.

"No," he moaned and pulled again. It just clicked. Once more, twice more.

His heart started to race. This can't be happening. Even drunk, he knew how to load a gun.

Yet another click, followed by a knock on the door.

"GO AWAY!" he yelled. His anger firing up to be just as bad as the pain in his heart.

"No," came the determined reply.

"Damn, Hetty. Go Away."

"I am coming in whether you open this door or not, Mr Callen."

He heard the click of the lock and quickly shoved the gun and the bullet into the drawer beneath the table.

As much as he wanted this to be over, he didn't want Hetty to be the one to find his body. He didn't want her to have the guilt that if only she'd been a little earlier she might have saved him.

Hetty walked through the doorway. The look on her face as she surveyed the surroundings set Callen off.

He stood up. "If you don't like what you see get out."

Hetty looked at him and raised her eyebrows just a touch and then stared at him over her glasses. "I do not like what I see, but I am not getting out."

"Go to Hell," Callen mumbled and turned away.

"I believe that is where I am. At least your version," Hetty replied and moved closer to him. "You, at least, look like that's where you are."

Callen glared at her but couldn't hold her gaze for long. He made a move toward the liquor cabinet and hoped there was something more in there. Hetty stopped him before he'd take two steps.

"Sit," she said.

"No," he replied.

"Sit," she repeated, "or I'll make you."

"Make me," he replied, somewhat childishly.

She did. A hand on his shoulder and a gentle shove was all it took to have him sprawled on the couch.

Hetty sat next to him and pulled him into a more upright position.

"It is time for you to read that letter," she said firmly.

"How do you know I haven't?"

Hetty looked at him. "If you had, you would be in a much fitter state. Where is it?"

Callen looked away but Hetty caught the small glance in the direction of the still open safe. She stood up, went over and retrieved the letter from inside. She returned to the couch and sat.

She held it out to him. "Read it."

"No," he said. Pain ripped through him at the sight of Alex's writing on the front.

"Read it,"Hetty repeated.

"No."

"Fine." Hetty stood up and pulled him with her. He stumbled a little. Hetty pushed him out of the room.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"You need a shower, some food and then… you  _ will _ read that letter."

Hetty opened the door to the small downstairs bathroom and pushed him through. He turned and looked at her with a shake of the head.

Hetty took a breath and let it out on a sigh. "If you insist," she said cryptically. She moved into the room and pushed him into the shower cubicle and yanked on the tap. He jumped out of the cold water.

Hetty stood there and looked at him with folded arms. "Now Mr Callen. You can either have a shower … in private. Or…" she left the threat hang in mid air but even in his current state he knew what the or meant. He shower or she'd do it for him. A small part of him wanted to see if she really would do it, but he decided not to press his luck and reached out to change the water temperature.

"Very good choice, Mr Callen. I will see you in the kitchen when you are done. And don't think about trying to sneak away." She left the bathroom door open.

Callen stood under the steaming water for a few minutes before finally ditching the sodden clothes and taking the first shower he'd probably taken since his "leave" started – three weeks ago.

By the time he was done, Hetty had managed to scramble some eggs and make some toast. He eyed it dubiously. He certainly hadn't shopped in the last few weeks.

"I brought them with me."

Callen nodded but stayed silent. He ate the food and his stomach rumbled in appreciation at something other than the liquid diet he'd been consuming recently. After he had finished Hetty passed him the letter.

Callen shook his head. "No." The shower, the food, yes. He'd do those things for her. But now she had to go. He had a date with a gun. She needed to leave. But before he could tell her to go home she picked up the letter.

"If you won't, I will." Hetty proceeded to open the letter and started to read it to him.

" _ G,I know what you do and I know what that means for me. It's a risk I'm willing taking to be with you. There wasn't even a choice. Without you,-" _

"Stop." Callen demanded. He snatched the letter from her. "I'll read it myself."

He couldn't handle hearing Hetty read her words. If he was going to hear them, he needed to hear her voice in his head. And now that Hetty had started, he desperately wanted to know what was in that letter.

_ G, _

_ I know what you do and I know what that means for me. It's a risk I'm willing taking to be with you. There wasn't even a choice. Without you, I wouldn't be complete. _

_ I hope you never have to read this, but if you are, please know this. I love you. The man I fell in love - you - I was willing, wanted even, to take this risk for. You are worth it. _

_ Please don't change. What you do is good, very good. It is important. We need more people like you, someone to fight for those who can't. _

_ I can't imagine what my life would be like without you, so I don't really know what you are going through, but I am begging you, please, please don't change. _

_ I remember that determined, cheeky man who somehow convinced me to go on a date even though I swore I would never date a DEA agent. How did you do that? Right, you wanted to see me laugh. Remember that, remember when I laughed, remember all the times I laughed. Most of them will be because of you. _

_ I want you to remember how happy you made me. Please don't change from being that man. _

_ I love you. Always will. _

_ Alex. _

He was crying by the end.

He was crying harder than he had since she died and he didn't think that was possible.

Hetty moved next to him and gently cradled his head against her whilst he cried. He didn't know how long they were in the kitchen for before he stopped. If he asked Hetty she'd probably know. All he knew was that she'd arrived somewhere around lunch and it was dark by the time he stopped and she moved away to switch on a light.

"Mr Callen. I will not leave you alone. You are coming home with me. I will help you get through this, somehow. But I will not leave you alone anymore."

Callen nodded. He was too shattered to fight with Hetty. The letter from Alex, her words were flying around in his head. The gun. The bullets. There was no way he could do that now. No way he could disappoint Alex. It was her last request. How could he say no?

He couldn't.

He didn't know how he'd survive but somehow, with her words, he had a little bit more grip on life.

Somehow he'd go on. He'd try and be the man she thought he was, even if he didn't feel that right now. Even if he wasn't sure he believed it.

Somehow ... he'd live.

* * *

 

_ Back in the present _

Kensi held him tight. She was at a loss for words. She knew losing someone you love deeply hurt … badly. But she'd never dreamed his darkness had been that.

"Kenz, what if –"

"No."Kensi placed her fingers over her lips. "No what if's. We do this together or not at all."

Callen looked down at her. "You mean if I don't think…."

Kensi nodded and blinked back the tears that were welling in her eyes. "If you don't think you can do kids, then we won't. If you feel that strongly then we won't. I won't lose you G Callen, and I won't let you go down that dark again, not if there is anyway to stop it."

The tears fell and Callen reached out and brushed the aside.

"I love you Kensi. I do. And I would love to have children with you. I just…"

"You're scared. I know. We have time."

Callen nodded. "Time. Maybe that's all I need."

Kensi nodded. "All the time you need."

Callen dropped his head and kissed her. "Thank you."

"Thank you," she said back. "Thank you for telling me."

Callen pulled her into his arms tighter. He breathed a sigh of relief. Finally, he'd told someone.

Kensi moved a little. "Callen, did you find out what happened with the gun not firing?" she asked tentatively.

Callen looked at her. He nodded then shrugged. "Not exactly, but I have my suspicions. I always thought I was just making up Alex's voice. But after everything that has happened this last year, I don't think so. About a week later, I took the gun to the firing range. I hadn't touched it since. I fired every bullet out of it. It worked perfectly."

"You think it was Alex?" Kensi asked.

"Oh yeah," Callen replied. "Now I know, though then I had no clue."

"She really is watching out for you isn't she?"

"I think more than we can possibly know," Callen replied. He held Kensi close.

_ Was it you?  _ Callen asked in his mind, knowing she'd hear.

_ Yes, _ she answered.  _ You needed time, not to die. You just couldn't see it. _

_ Thank you. _

 


	27. Human Traffic

* * *

 

Kensi was surprised at the knock on her door. She wasn't expecting anyone tonight.

Her gun held loosely in her hand just in case, she checked through the peephole to see who it was.

"Callen?" she whispered to herself.

Kensi opened the door. "What are you doing here?"

Callen had leaned against the door frame and raised an eyebrow at her question, a lopsided grin on his face that started to pull a smile from Kensi's lips.

"Am I not allowed?"

Kensi could see the teasing in his eyes. "Of course." She stepped back from blocking his entrance.

Callen moved through the door swiftly and smoothly.

Kensi closed it and turned to face him. "I thought you were keeping up appearances tonight."

Callen shook his head. "That was the plan but Hetty threw me a curve ball tonight."

Kensi moved closer. "Is everything okay?" More than a trace of concern could be heard in her voice.

Callen smiled and pulled her into his arms. "Yeah it's fine. Just a surprise. She brought me a house."

Kensi turned her head and studied his face. "She what?"

Callen chuckled. "Apparently I'm in desperate need of an actual home that she went and found the perfect one, took care of everything and got me to sign the papers earlier tonight."

"She brought you a house?"

Callen loved seeing the confused look on Kensi's face. It made him feel that little bit better that he wasn't the only one getting confused tonight.

"Well, technically I brought it. My money, my name, just Hetty's….. Hurricane Hetty. She didn't really give me much choice and she does have good taste."

"So where is it?"

Callen smiled at the eagerness in Kensi's eyes and voice. "You remember Alina's place."

Kensi nodded.

"It was up for sale and Hetty thought it would be perfect since it obviously held some happy memories for me."

"So why aren't you there now?"

Callen shrugged. "I went by. Checked the place out. There's no furniture and I've grown a little accustomed to sleeping in a bed of late."

Kensi gave him a grin and tilted her head. "So you're only here for my bed?"

"Not your bed. What's in it." Callen's head started to move closer to hers.

Kensi felt her body heat a little but, as much as she wanted to take him up on the offer she saw in his eyes, she wanted to know more. This was a big moment in his life, him to actually have a house.

She stepped away from him, took his hand and guided him to the couch.

"This isn't the bed," Callen said, a curious look on his face, and perhaps just a touch of disappointment tinging his voice that Kensi heard.

"I know. Don't worry we'll get there."

Kensi paused for a moment and they sat down on the couch. "How do you feel about being a homeowner? It's a big step. Must feel strange finally owning a place of your own."

"I've done it before," Callen admitted as he sat on the couch and tugged her closer.

"When?"

"With Alex."

"Really? I thought you just lived with her at her house."

"I did. But on our first anniversary she gave me an envelope. Inside was a document to transfer ownership of half the house to me." Alex had surprised him with the gift. It was certainly way more than he had gotten for her.

"Wow."

"I didn't want to sign. It was her place. She'd grown up there, brought it off her parents. But…" Callen trailed off and then smiled. "It took a bit of convincing but she assured me that we were going to last and she wanted to do this to show me that she felt that way."

"What happened to it?" Kensi asked gently. "After she died."

"I couldn't stay there. After Hetty pulled me back from… you know, I stayed with her for a while and then found another place. I tried to give it back to her parents. I felt it was theirs more than mine, but they wouldn't take it. They told me to do something with it and that as long I as felt it was the right thing to do then that would make them, and Alex, happy." He hadn't been able to stay, even though he'd loved the house. It had hurt too much. He'd started to find his way back to being the man she wanted him to be and when he went back into the house the first time, after he'd moved in with Hetty, he'd felt the darkness trying to get him. It was too raw. Hetty had convinced him that Alex would understand that even though the house held so many good memories, the one that would cloud his mind for a long time to come would be the one of her dying, right there. She'd been right. He'd tried to go in and pack it up, get it ready for sale but in the end Hetty had organised that for him. Once everything was out of the house he'd been able to walk through it with the realtor and potential clients without a problem, just as long as he didn't stay there alone.

"So what did you do?" Kensi's voice pulled him back from his thoughts.

"Put it up for sale. It was one of the hardest things to do but I couldn't keep it. Eventually the right people came along." Callen settled back on the couch and pulled her further into his arms as he continued his story. "I had so many offers, some so ridiculously overpriced that it was completely crazy. Then this couple showed up with four kids and one on the way. I was sneaky, followed them around. They seemed like great parents. You could see they loved their kids. The kicker..." Callen paused and Kensi felt a small rumble of a chuckle in his chest before he continued. "The background check I had Hetty run on them showed three of the kids were foster kids. I didn't even suspect."

"Really?"

"Yeah. They were one of the good ones. They put in an offer that was way under the highest. I knew though, that they were pushing their budget too far." He'd listened in, they didn't know it of course. After all, he was very good at what he did.

"But you choose them, not the over-priced idiots," Kensi guessed correctly.

Callen nodded. "I made them a counter offer and dropped the price below what I knew they could comfortably afford."

Kensi smiled. "Of course you did."

"I didn't need the money and they needed the house." And this way he knew the house would be filled with a boisterous happy family, just like Alex's parents had hoped for for themselves before they found out Alex would be their only child. Just like he had once hoped it would be with their own.

"Did you keep an eye on them?"

"They're still there. Still happy and still one of the good ones."

"So what are you going to do now?" Kensi asked.

Callen grinned. He knew she was referring to his new house but he had other things in mind.

"Well," Callen stood up and held out his hand. Kensi put her hand in his and he tugged up from the couch. "I really should work out what I want in a bed."

Kensi's lips twitched but she held the smile from her lips, though not from her eyes. "You said you weren't here for my bed."

"I'm not." Callen pulled her close and kissed her neck gently.

"If you are thinking what I think you are thinking you won't be able to test that out in the shops."

"Then I better do a thorough testing here."

 


	28. Black Widow

* * *

 

"How would we protect a child Kenz?" Callen voice pulled Kensi's focus from the T.V to him.

She had been curled up on the couch with Callen, her head on a pillow, her feet in his lap. The question was unexpected as they had been watching a movie. She sat up and looked at him. Though perhaps only one of them had been watching.

"How, given what we do, how?" Callen asked again as he studied her intently.

Kensi flicked off the T.V and turned her body around so she could face him easier.

"With everything we've got."

"But…"

"No buts," She cut him off. "We'd find a way." Kensi could see the doubt, even the touch of fear in his eyes. Obviously the latest mission at work was on his mind, proven with his next question.

"Will she be able to?"

"She has so far."

"Would you?" Callen asked.

Confusion settled on Kensi's face. "Would I what?" she asked.

"Run," Callen replied. "Run with our child?"

Kensi's heart felt like it skipped a beat and then started again just a touch faster as she wondered if this meant he was actually getting closer to being okay with having kids.

"No reason to run from you." If they were together they'd have a better chance of protecting any child, anyone, they had with them.

Callen's eyes locked with hers. "If I told you to take them and go, would you?"

Kensi took a breath and thought carefully before she answered that.

"If I ran without you, there would have to be a damn good reason for it and no other way out. And I'd find you again. You're not getting rid of me that easily."

Callen reached on hand out and took one of hers. "I don't know who's out there after me Kenz. What if…" His past, or lack thereof, always seemed to be biting at his heels, pushing into his life and making him doubt his future.

"What if what?" Kensi silently begged him to keep opening up to her.

"What if they're just waiting for something. I mean they took Alex from me so soon after I proposed. What if they took-"

"Okay stop." Kensi shook her head firmly. "It wasn't your fault."

"I know," Callen nodded and Kensi felt a small amount of tension leave her shoulders that he agreed with her on that front, finally.

"But," Callen continued, "what if they are just waiting for something so precious that-" Callen stopped, an idea forming in his head he wished instantly had never come but now it was there, it was too late. His voice was quieter when he continued. "What if that was why they took her out, not because I had proposed. What if they knew about Lily?"

"Oh." It felt like there was a painful band around Kensi's chest at the thought.

"Kenz," Callen's hand tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear. "I'm still working through this. I'm trying, I promise. It's just after today, I can't help wondering if we could keep them safe."

"Them huh?" Kensi smiled.

There was a flicker of a smile on Callen's face and a slight brightening in his eyes, though only briefly. "I'm serious."

"So was I when I said with everything. Callen, we've got Hetty. We've got Sam and the rest the team. How do you think they would be if we had a child? How protective would they be? It wouldn't just be us."

Callen relaxed just a little. True, he had a lot more people consciously looking out for him and watching for danger now than he'd had before.

"And those Angels of ours," Kensi added. "You really think they would let anything happen?"

Callen chuckled, feeling like a major weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Why he had forgotten about them he wasn't sure.

"You're right."

"Of course I am, " Kensi replied cheekily.

Callen looked at Kensi and the conversation turned just a touch more serious, but not sad. "Do you mind? That they're still around?"

Kensi waited, she felt there was more to the question than just the words that Callen had said.

"Do you mind I still want Alex around?"

Kensi raised her eyebrows. "Do you mind I still want James around?"

"No."

"Me neither. Callen, given what we do and who we are, the more eyes looking out for us the better, don't you think? Especially ones that aren't going to get caught. Not to mention the complete confidentiality of talking to them."

"Yeah, I just…" Callen wasn't quite sure how to put it in a way that would make sense. He wanted Alex around, wanted to continue to have her, and Lily, in his life. But then there was his life with Kensi.

Kensi smiled. "It's a strange and weird and slightly unbelievable relationship, but it works for us," she said. "I know you love her, love them both, and I'm not jealous Callen," Kensi assured him. "Alex means a lot to you, just like James means a lot to me. Before you, yeah, I wished I could have him back, wanted him back, would have done just about anything to get him back. And I'm sure you felt the same about Alex. But now." She reached out to tug Callen just a little closer, "I've got you and as much as I still love him, that yearning to have him back, that thought that I would give up anything to have him back, it's not there. He's like …"

"Your subconscious?" Callen prompted when she didn't continue. He knew what she meant. He felt the same, had been through the process of letting go of that wish and hope. Holding on to it was destructive, had almost destroyed him but he'd made it through to the other side, with a little help from two, make that three, very special women. No way could he leave Hetty off that list.

"He prefers angel or spiritual guide," Kensi said with a grin. "I've kind of gotten used to him popping in and having his say. And sometimes you have to admit we're a little stubborn and need a kick to get us back in the game."

"Yeah, James seems like he'd be pretty effective."

There was a smile on Callen's face and a touch of guilt.

"What did you do?

Callen wouldn't forget that easily. "It was the car crash. He was really pissed off with me about the seat belt."

"We never did get around to discussing exactly how you survived that. Just that Alex and James were a part of it."

"I wasn't in the car."

"You…" Callen could see the shock and confusion in her eyes..

"James and Alex got me out before the really bad part and put me back in after - none too gently though." He wasn't quite sure whose idea it had been to put him back into the seat and let him fall to the ground. When he'd had a chance to think about it it had has at first suspected James trying to push his point home, but he knew Alex would never have let that happen if she didn't think he needed some extra convincing. "He told me he'd kick my arse to the far side of the moon and back if I ever got in a car without doing up the seat belt again."

Kensi started to laugh, quietly at first but at the look on Callen's face she lost it completely.

"What?"

Kensi tried to stop but she couldn't, at least until Callen caught her close and rolled her off the couch onto the floor. They landed on the floor with a thud but Callen was under her to protect her before rolling over so he had her pinned to the carpet.

"You think that's funny?"

The laughter increased. Callen tried to keep his lips from smiling but could tell it he didn't have much control left. What little he had he used to capture Kensi's face, lock her eyes with his before lowering his head for a kiss. Then the laughter stopped.


	29. Borderline

* * *

 

"Dammit Kensi, what the hell were you doing?" Callen almost yelled when the door to Kensi's apartment closed behind them. "You got yourself trapped. You could've been … You could've been killed."

Callen ran his hands through what little hair he had. He noted the sand from the desert still there, which set him off even more as it reinforced what had happened. He'd managed to hold it together until they were alone, then the fear and terror came back full force.

"I knew you and Sam we're on your way. You had our backs."

Callen swung around and glared at Kensi.

"What if we weren't there soon enough? He'd already loaded that grenade. Ten more seconds and that would've been it. You'd have been gone." Callen shook his head at her. "You take too many risks."

From the moment the call with Kensi had ended, when they'd told him they'd found the marines and were going in, he'd had this dread settle in the pit of his stomach. It had grown bigger the longer it had taken to get to her. He was surprised he hadn't lost it sooner. He knew Deeks was with her, that she wasn't alone. But they didn't really know Deeks properly yet. Plus, Deeks wasn't him.

"Me?" Kensi looked at him in disbelief. "What about you? You put yourself in danger all the time."

"This isn't about me. I wasn't the one trapped with no way out and multiple people firing at me." The painful tightening of his chest at the thought of her caught and trapped came over him again. When he couldn't see her, after they'd landed and taken down the bad guys, the terror that they were too late flared until she called and came out of the vehicle. Her voice had reassured him at little. At least until he'd gotten a good look at the vehicle she had emerged from, bullet holes and all. How one hadn't hit her he didn't know. He was sure the vehicle she was in was the next grenade target.

"Callen come off it," Kensi protested. "This is what we do."

"No," Callen shook his head sharply. "It was stupid. What kind of mother are you going to make if you don't think about keeping yourself alive?"

Kensi's eyes widened.

Oh shit. Callen thought.

He knew he'd messed up the moment the words were out of his mouth. Today had been hard. With their recent talks about children he'd been trying to process things, trying to find a way to move forward and face his fears. Hell, he'd even considered talking to Nate about it, he'd just needed Nate back in the office which obviously wasn't happening anytime soon. The look on Kensi's face had another thought flash through his mind. Perhaps he wouldn't need that talk after all. Callen opened his mouth to apologise. Kensi shook her head and pointed to the door.

_Kensi, breathe._

Kensi heard James' voice clear in her ear. It wasn't faint. It was firm and though she knew by the tone he wouldn't let her ignore it, she did. _Breathe now_ he demanded of her. She continued to ignore him.

Kensi's fingers flicked between Callen and the door, her intense gaze reinforced the movement by doing the same. She was furious, hurt and something else she didn't want to put into words but she knew exactly what it was, the hope for her - their - future within her starting to slip away.

_Kensi, please._ This voice she couldn't ignore. Sweet, innocent and with a touch of worry that shouldn't be in any child's voice - alive or of the angel kind. So she breathed. Slowly, consciously and tried to let go of the anger that was masking the hurt.

Callen sighed, his shoulders dropped. He'd screwed up royally. He didn't need to be told, didn't need to think what this feeling was in his gut. He knew.

Kensi took another slow breath, dropped her arm, walked to the door and opened it.

Callen looked at her, opened his mouth again to try and say something. Kensi stared back at him, fury in her eyes. Callen noticed her breathing and knew it wouldn't take much for her to lose it with him. He wanted to say something, anything that would dig him out of the hole his careless words had put him in.

Kensi ushered with her hand for him to leave.

_Kensi._ James was back in her head. _He doesn't know. He's scared. He's starting to see it all again with you, then today happens. Tell him. Better yet, show him._

Kensi was still too angry and mostly ignored him. But then the little one came back and pleaded with her. _You promised me you wouldn't give up on him._

Kensi's resistance completely fell apart.

Callen turned to look at her when he'd crossed the threshold of her door. She shook her head.

"Not a word, Callen. Not a bloody word comes out of your mouth until I say so."

Confused, Callen watched Kensi follow him out the door, bag in hand. Unsure, he followed her; after all she hadn't actually told him to leave, though he did keep his mouth closed tight so he'd didn't screw up more.

Kensi opened the door to her car and looked across at him. "Get in the car, Callen."

He didn't hesitate.

Kensi drove. Not a word passed her lips unless it had to do with stopping him from talking, which happened a few times in the first ten minutes of wherever they were headed to.

" _Good boy_." Alex's voice whispered once he'd finally given up trying to say something.

" _What do I do?"_ Callen asked Alex. " _I screwed up."_

" _Ya think?"_

" _Help."_

" _G, you know what I always tell you to do with Kensi. You don't really need me to tell you again._ "

She was right, Callen knew. Though right now he wasn't sure if he'd get it right even then.

" _Follow my heart. Follow my instincts._ "

" _Yep. Add one more to that list for right now though. Follow her instructions. Now's not the time to fumble your way through an apology._ "

" _So keep my mouth shut."_

" _Got it in one, smart boy."_

Callen almost laughed out loud at that one. He hadn't been smart earlier. He been about as dumb as he could be.

" _Not dumb, just terrified._ " Alex whispered to him, understanding in her voice. She knew him so well.

Kensi pulled into a parking lot and stopped the engine. She took a deep breath.

"Out."

Callen obeyed and followed her as she led them through the front door of an apartment block, into the elevator and up to the third floor. Straight across was a door to an apartment that she used one of her keys to open.

Still Callen said nothing.

It was empty, like it was waiting for someone to move in.

"Kitchen, living room, bathroom." Kensi moved across to the window. "Wonderful view of the park." She stayed there for a moment and Callen wondered what was going through her mind. He followed and looked down at the park; a park with children playing in it. He started to reach out to Kensi with his hand but she moved out of reach and continued what felt like a tour. She opened one of the doors that led off the lounge room.

"Master bedroom, en-suite. Nice big walk in wardrobe."

She moved to the next door and Callen dutifully followed, still not sure what was going on here, but he did feel that whatever was happening was big. Kensi opened it slowly and stepped just inside the door. Callen looked but didn't force his way past. Just an empty bedroom.

Kensi's voice was soft when she spoke. A touch of something in it Callen couldn't quite place.

"Supposed to be the nursery," she said.

Supposed to be?

"Kenz?" Callen whispered. There was so much going on and he was quite willing to admit that he was lost.

Kensi shook her head and placed a finger over his lips. Callen looked in her eyes and noticed the fury was gone, replaced with a deep sadness.

Kensi walked back over to the window in the lounge room and looked down at the park. Her hand rested gently on the window, like she was reaching toward something only she could see.

"This is where James and I lived. He wasn't supposed to be over there. He was supposed to be home with me prepping for the wedding. Things went wrong. They needed back up. Was only supposed to be for a week, two at the most. He was going to be home on time. He promised me."

Callen walked up to her and rested his hand on her lower back. She didn't flinch or pull away from his touch so he stayed and waited until she was ready to continue. He knew a fair amount about her relationship with James. There were definitely some things that she'd held back on. How he died had been one of them, brief and to the point only, keeping her emotions out of it. She'd always changed the subject fairly quickly at that point. He hadn't wanted to push. He figured she'd been patient with him so he'd give her the same consideration.

"They'd had casualties. Lots." Callen could hear the pain in her voice and his heart ached for her.

"A new team was almost ready to head over but they needed someone experienced to keep things together until they could get them home. James being James, and protecting others over himself, went out on patrol."

Kensi took a shaky breath before she continued. "I knew something was wrong. It was the first time I'd had a nightmare about him and his job, ever. When the uniforms knocked on the door the next day, I knew it was more than just a nightmare. That somehow, some part had known he wasn't coming back to me."

Callen wanted to say something even knowing he'd be breaking the rules.

Kensi looked at him and shook her head to stop him, a sad smile graced her face.

"I knew exactly what I was going to do with the nursery. Just as soon as we knew there was a reason." She turned more to face him than the window and Callen took her hands in his, stroked his thumbs over the back of her hand while she continued.

"You see we'd already decided once we were married, we wouldn't try and stop a baby happening. It was highly likely we would end up with a honeymoon baby after all we were going away for three weeks." Kensi smiled sadly. "But we also knew it might not happen and that was okay too. Because we didn't mind either way. We knew if we waited for a time when we were ready it would never happen. There would always be something to put having a child off for. His mission, mine, not the right time, right place, whatever. So we decided that we'd just deal with it when it happened. Not plan but not stop it either."

Kensi turned back to the window, her hands slipped out of his but she shifted her body so it was close to his and his arms slid around her. Callen was grateful when he felt the slight shift of her leaning into him, grateful that she was accepting his comfort, even after his screw up.

"Well, we did have a plan, of sorts," Kensi added. "The one with the most dangerous or least important job was going to quit to stay home. We'd worked out we could live on one wage if we were careful." She gave a slight chuckle. "Obviously I would have to cut down on how many shoes I bought but I could live with that."

She sighed and was silent for a minute or two. Callen couldn't wait any longer

"Kenz I -"

Kensi turned quickly and cut off his words. "Soon. Just one more thing."

Callen nodded and resumed his attentive silence.

"With us," Kensi indicated between the two of them, "that option isn't really doable since we work together. Bit hard to decide which of us has the most important job when it's the same thing. But the moment that stick turns pink ... if we go there ... I'll be handing in my resignation."

"What?"

Kensi nodded and then shrugged a little with a shake of her head. "Or maybe asking Hetty for a desk job. You see Callen, I'm not that crazy. Yes, I take risks now, but a baby in the mix? That's a whole different ball game. And I'll be doing everything I can not to strike out."

Kensi stopped, looked at him and waited.

Callen reached up, stroked away a tear or two that had fallen onto her cheek and slid his hands into her hair. He gently brought her forehead to his before he spoke softly.

"I'm sorry. I should never have said that. It's just that I can see it with you again. I want it. I.." Callen wasn't quite sure how to put into words what he wanted to say.

"It's okay. You freaked. I've done it too," Kensi reassured him.

Callen raised his head, tilted hers a little as he studied her face intently. "But you didn't this time. I thought you'd rake me over the coals, kick me out or … something." He'd been quite worried what that something might be.

"Oh I was going to do something alright. You can thank the angels on my shoulder for that rescue."

"James?"

"Yeah. And Lily. He reminded me you had no idea where I was at with kids except that I was hoping to have them with you one day."

"Oh." There was a pause before Callen asked, "Lily?"

"She just reminded me of a promise I made her. Him. I was ignoring him. Her," Kensi smiled with a small chuckle. "The proverbial snowball in hell. Callen, you know I would love to have children with you. I promised you though, we do it together or not at all. You know that. I know you worry about what might happen if we do and I'm not going to push you, but …" Kensi let out a long breath, "you needed to know this."

"I'm glad you told me."

Kensi smiled. There was still a touch of sadness in her eyes. Obviously it had been hard for her to do this. Callen kissed her gently, a reassuring comforting kiss. A promise of sorts.

"Let's go home," he said.

Kensi took his hand and led him from the apartment.

It was during the trip home that Callen heard a faint light-hearted laugh coming from the backseat. He had his eyes closed, after the day they'd had he was tired, both physically and emotionally. The scent of lilies was a giveaway who it was so he didn't need to look, though there was no guarantee he'd see the source anyway.

" _What?_ " he asked his head.

" _Kensi. She's perfect. Couldn't have picked better if I'd done it myself,_ " Alex's voice reached his ears softly.

" _For what? Your-_ "

Callen jumped as he felt a very Gibbs-like smack to the head. "Ow!" This wasn't said in his head. He was awake and his eyes most definitely open now but he didn't turn around.

"What?" Kensi looked across at him. "You okay, Callen?"

" _Don't you dare think of calling her what I think you were about to say."_ Alex hissed at him, her voice far from a whisper.

" _What did you think I was going to call her?_ "

" _She is not my replacement._ "

Callen gulped guiltily because that was what he had been about to say, though it was only true in the basic sense of the word. Yes, they both filled so many similar roles in his life at their respective times, but they were definitely different and neither could replace the other. Nor would he want either of them to think that. If he hadn't been so tired the word probably wouldn't have even come to his thoughts.

" _My partner in crime? Girlfriend? Life partner? Those better_?" Callen asked as he absently rubbed the back of his head wondering how the hell she'd managed to do that through the headrest of the seat.

" _Actually I was thinking more along the lines of a four letter word that would give her a title she doesn't have to share with me._ "

Callen's breath stopped in his chest momentarily.

" _Yeah, that one_ ," Alex's voice was back to a whisper. " _She's not my replacement G. No one could replace me, just as no one would ever be able to replace her. And if you ever think that again, I'll take you down so hard that you'll wish it was Sam."_

" _I know. I'm sorry._ "

"Callen?" Kensi's voice brought his attention back to her. "You okay?"

"Yeah," Callen replied, "just my angel on my shoulder this time." Though he wasn't quite sure if Angel was the right title for this situation.

"So what did you do?"

"What do you mean?" Callen looked across at Kensi.

She grinned. "The ow. My driving wasn't that bad so must've had something to do with Alex. I doubt Lily could have provoked that kind of reaction."

Reluctantly Callen admitted, "She head-smacked me."

There was something that sounded remarkably like a choked off laugh come from the direction of the driver's seat.

"So I ask again," Kensi continued, as she appeared to be trying very hard not to smile, though he could hear it in her voice. "What did you do?"

"Not sure I want to tell you."

"Want to or not, you will."

"I've already been in enough trouble today."

"If Alex has already head smacked you, let's say you've been punished enough."

Callen took a slow breath and let it out. "Fine, I may briefly … potentially …," his words sped up as if trying to slip them through without the finer details being noticed, "possibly may have been about to refer to you as her replacement when she said she couldn't have picked better if she'd done it herself."

Callen waited apprehensively, though feeling slightly safe in the knowledge that since she was driving Kensi couldn't head smack him at least.

"You thought what?" There was definitely no laugh hiding in that voice.

"Kenz, I'm sorry. Remember, you said I'd been punished already." Callen was quick to remind her of that. "I've apologised to Alex and she's already warned me what she'll do if I think it again, so I promise you too, I won't. I know you're not her replacement." Still feeling the sting of the head-smack, Callen had a distinct feeling that he shouldn't underestimate Alex's cross-border abilities.

"What's she going to do?" There was a touch less trouble in Kensi's voice and Callen relaxed just a smidgen.

"Apparently take me down so hard that I'd wish for it to be Sam."

Kensi chuckled. "Oh, I wouldn't worry too much about that."

"Why not?" There was something in her words that made that smidgen of relaxation disappear.

"Because if you do, I'll beat her to it."

"Noted." Callen slipped his hand across and placed it on her thigh. "I'm sorry."

"For?"

"For … it all. It's been a rough day." He wasn't sure rough described the roller-coaster of emotions he'd experienced today, but it would do.

Kensi's hand slipped into his and she squeezed it gently. "But it's done now. We got through it."

"So we're good?" Callen had to ask, just to be completely sure.

Kensi nodded. "We're good."


	30. Special Delivery

* * *

 

"So, how important is that blue box?" Callen asked Kensi. He watched her reaction carefully even though she was on the other side of the lounge room.

Kensi turned around, eyes wide. "Blue box?"

"Yeah."

Kensi swallowed. "Not that important."

"Don't lie Kenz."

They stared at each other for a minute.

"Fine, it's important," Kensi finally admitted. "But it's not so much the box but what's inside and what it represents."

"Which is?"

"Commitment. Complete commitment."

"You think I'm not committed to you?"

Kensi smiled gently and moved over to him. "I know you are. But it's like that final step. It's telling the world that there is someone there for me. That I'm not alone."

"You not alone Kenz."

"I know that. But I don't get to shout it out to the world."

"You want to shout it out?" Callen was confused. Given their line of work shouting anything to the world was dangerous.

Kensi rolled her eyes and Callen had the distinct impression she thought he should know this.

"No," Kensi said. "That's what the ring is for. I don't have to say anything. It does the talking."

"Not being alone is important to you."

Kensi tried to shrug it off but Callen could see. He also knew her well enough. He hadn't been asking a question. It was a simple statement of fact.

"Kensi, look at me."

She did. Callen reached out and cupped her cheek.

"You were alone for so long. But you're not now."

"I know," Kensi admitted. "But," she paused, sighed and then continued. "There's a part of me that doesn't want people to look at me and think she's still alone after all these years. I've had enough of that. I know it's silly. I know it doesn't change anything. But…" She shrugged again.

Kensi's close family knew about them, as did the team - except for Deeks. They were still learning about him, learning to trust him in their own way rather than because Hetty did.

"But it means a lot to you," Callen said.

"Yes."

"So it's not silly. I guess we'll have to do something about that."

"Are you saying you want to marry me?" Kensi asked.

Yes." He did. Callen knew that. It was a natural progression to this relationship but he just didn't know if he could.

"Umm." Kensi's eyes went wide.

Callen moved closer, slipped his arm around her waist and brought her into his arms. His gaze caught hers. "But I can't do it - the ring, the blue box. It's..." he trailed off.

"Why not?"

"You know Alex died after I proposed. I still can't walk by a jewellery shop without seeing the rings and seeing her."

Kensi studied his face before responding. "Is that all that's stopping you?" Callen could see the hope in her eyes and he hated that he couldn't just say yes.

"It's not just the ring shopping," Callen started to explain. "It's putting it on your finger. The act of that is so closely linked to Alex lying there bleeding out that I'm not ready to do that. I feel like it would be this flashing neon sign saying 'She's mine, come get her'. It's a terrifying thought. Not quite the same message you see it giving off."

Kensi nodded. She could understand why he had a problem. "Maybe we could come up with a compromise."

"Like what?" Callen felt some of the tension leave him that she seemed to understand where he was coming from. She wasn't mad which was a great relief.

"A necklace, a bracelet. I don't know. Something that's special to us. Could you shop for that?"

"How would that shout things to the world?"

Kensi reached up to cup his face with both hands. "If you can compromise so can I. It can shout it to the people who know about us. And silently shout to everyone else."

Callen smiled and nodded. "I think I could do that."

Kensi smiled back, a tad cheeky, with a mix of hopeful that Callen could clearly see in her eyes. "So, is this a proposal?" she asked.

Callen's smile widened and he shook his head "Oh I think I can manage to make sure you know it's a proposal and not have to question it."

"When might that take place?"

Callen dropped a kiss on her lips and pulled back only far enough to allow him to speak.

"When you least expect it." He kissed her again and all thoughts of shopping went out the window.

 


	31. Little Angels

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Initially I hadn't intended on doing this episode, mainly because as parent this episode freaks me out and I wasn't intending on watching it again to find something Callen/Kensi about it. I had already written something to do instead (that I'll do for the next chapter as a bonus) but when rewatching from the start with my other half we caught up and lo and behold, a potential Callen/Kensi scene got my attention within minutes. Hope you all enjoy this little snippet!

* * *

"Sharlene?"

The brunette turned around and smiled at the man who'd called her name. A quick perusal told her she liked what she saw.

"John right?"

John smiled and nodded. "That's right. You're more beautiful in person."

Sharlene shook her head in disbelief. The lines some guys came out with. "Shall we?" she asked.

John took her arm and tucked it into his, an old fashioned gesture which made her feel a little more feminine than normal. He proceeded to steer them toward the pre-paid entry having obviously come prepared with pre-purchased tickets.

Half an hour and four animal enclosures into their date, Sharlene started to laugh. She tugged John off the path onto some grass under a tree.

Sharlene shook her head. "I can't do this." She was still laughing.

John frowned. "Aren't you having fun?"

Sharlene tugged John close, turned and pushed him up against the tree before she thoroughly kissed him. "Now I am," she said softly when she pulled back.

The blue eyes looked deep into her brown ones.

"Kenz, get rid of the dating profile. You don't need it."

Kensi gave him another kiss, hard but quick. "It's already gone. Now, can we enjoy the rest of the zoo as us?"

Callen smiled. "I think that is the best idea you've had so far today."

"Really?" Kensi asked with a cheeky grin. "I thought I had some pretty good ideas this morning."

Callen tugged her back into her arms. "They were mutual ideas."

Kensi smiled. "Not so sure about that though mutually enjoyable."

 

 


	32. Bonus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is just a bonus. Doesn't follow any episode. Hope you enjoy.

* * *

 

 

"Hey!" Kensi's protest was silenced quickly when Callen put his hand over her mouth and whisked her into one of the curtained changing rooms.

"What are you doing?" Kensi hissed.

Callen smiled. "I've been trying to find a quiet place all day to give you this."

Kensi looked down at his hands. There was a jewellery box held in it. She looked back up at him, her glance flicked between the box and his eyes.

"Here?"

Callen shook his head. "No Kenz, not proposal time," he grinned. "I'm still working on that. But I did promise you a little something to shout to those we know. Think of it as a pre-proposal gift."

He flipped the lid up and Kensi looked down again.

"It's beautiful Callen," she whispered. Nestled on black velvet was a small pendant on a silver chain. The pendant was a teardrop shape filled in with filigree style threads, including a smattering of small diamonds, she assumed, sparkling through it.

Callen lifted it out of the box and held it up. "May I?" he asked.

Kensi turned around, slightly difficult in the confines of the small change room that usually only held one person; pity he hadn't grabbed the bigger of the two. She lifted her hair off her neck. Callen slipped the necklace on and did up the clasp. He carefully turned her to face the mirror that was mounted on the wall.

"Perfect," he said.

Kensi smiled at him through the mirror. Callen turned her back around to face him, lifted the pendant and held it carefully in one of his hands. He brought her other hand up and used one of her fingers to trace some of the patterns in the lines of the pendant. Her eyes followed her fingers. A 'C', a 'K' and a heart. All buried within other lines so that no one would see it unless they studied it very carefully. They were also in a slightly different shade of silver which helped her see them easier once she knew they were there.

"Where did you get this?" her voice was barely above a whisper, not entirely because they were hiding.

"I know a guy. Got him to make it for me. Picked it up this morning but didn't want to wait."

"Impatient huh?"

"Yeah." Callen's gaze caught hers and he lowered the pendant to her chest. It fell to the perfect spot just where her shirt opened. "You've waited long enough to have something to shout for you."

Kensi smiled and slipped her arms around his neck.

"Thank you."

Callen was just about to close the distance and kiss her when voices drifted through the curtains. One in particular that was always popping up at inopportune times.

"Mr Callen. How are those pants going? I did suspect they may be a little tight. Are you having trouble?"

It took Callen a moment before he could answer and he only narrowly stopped himself searching the changing room for a camera. He only hoped Hetty didn't have any idea how close to the truth she was.

"Yes Hetty. Pants are a little tight," he finally answered.

Kensi choked back a laugh at the look on his face. It was the truth. It just had nothing do with with a new pair of pants.

"Try this pair." Hetty's hand passed through a pair of long pants through the join of the curtain. "I think you'll find they are much more comfortable."

Callen's eyes widened as did Kensi's at the realisation Hetty was making him get changed in this small space with Kensi right there. Hetty had to know who he was in here with.

Kensi covered her mouth but didn't quite manage to stifle the soft laugh that bubbled up.

Callen pushed her into the back corner of the cubicle and gave her a look that told her to behave. He shouldn't have bothered.

"Need some help," Kensi mouthed and moved her hands to his belt, her lips held tight to stop any sound from escaping. Callen swatted her hand away and gave her another look to stop her. Kensi held her hands up in surrender. At least he hoped she had surrendered.

Callen peeled off his jeans after toeing off his shoes and pulled on the pants Hetty had given him. He was half expecting them to be too tight but they were a perfect fit.

"Mr Callen?"

"Much better, Hetty. Thanks."

Kensi grinned. Callen rolled his eyes. He was about to step out when Hetty's hand came through again, this time with a shirt.

"I think this will be an appropriate match."

Callen groaned. Kensi stifled another giggle. Callen pulled her close and whispered in her ear. "You are going to pay for this later, you know that right."

Kensi pulled back. "I'm sure I will. And it will be so worth it," she whispered just before she grabbed the bottom of his shirt and swiftly pulled it up and over his head. She then gave him a quick hard kiss that left him definitely wanting more and he pushed her back against the wall intent on stealing more right now.

"Mr Deeks, what can I do for you?"

Callen froze. Their gazes locked together in shock. This was just going from uncomfortably awkward, though he had to admit kind of enjoyable, to very awkward and difficult. Deeks still didn't know about them. He had to wonder if Hetty had been saving them from walking out and giving themselves away or simply toying with them and Deeks just happened to come along.

Kensi handed him his new shirt and he swiftly put it on.

"Don't let Deeks see me," Kensi mouthed to him. Callen was tempted to get her back but the look in her eyes said it wouldn't be a good time. He grabbed his other clothes and stepped out of the curtains careful to make sure he didn't give anyone a glimpse of Kensi tucked at the back of the cubicle.

"Seems to work Hetty. Thanks."

"Much better than those awful clothes. Here, give them to me. You are both wanted in Ops." Hetty's finger flicked between Callen and Deeks. "Sam is already there. I'll be with you as soon as I have dealt with these … clothes." Hetty's nose wrinkled as if there was a very bad smell emanating from them and she held them between two fingers as if not wanting to touch them. Callen wanted to protest - the clothes were clean when he put them on this morning and he hadn't gotten them that dirty, but she was saving his and Kensi's hide so he held his tongue.

"What about Kensi? I haven't seen her for a while," Deeks asked Hetty.

"She's doing a little job for me. She'll be with you all shortly. Now shoo. Both of you."

Callen and Deeks shooed.

Once they had turned out of sight on the second floor, Hetty turned back to the cubicle.

"It is safe to come out Miss Blye."

Kensi sheepishly came out of the cubicle. "Hetty, it's not what you were thinking."

"You can't possibly know what I was thinking. Why there was the one time I was working on … Ah, never mind dear. You're much too innocent for that story."

Kensi's eyes went wide. Hetty's went to her necklace. She placed the clothes down in the hamper she kept near by and moved to study it. "He does good work."

Kensi smiled and gently touched the necklace. "Yes he does."

"As do you my dear," Hetty replied with a wink. "Now upstairs."

"Thanks Hetty." Kensi took a couple of steps away but then turned back.

"Hetty," Kensi looked at the change room and then back to Hetty. "How did you know?"

"Oh Miss Blye, sometimes a lower altitude gives a very different perspective."


	33. Standoff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On a side note, in general I'm not a song kind of writer when it comes to my stories and characters. Sure I'll listen to music when I write but more to block it out which then blocks out all other disturbances. With all the writing I've done, both for FF and my own originals, it's rare to come across a song that fits either a character/scene or story, but I did find one that works for this story.  
> Artist: Delta Song: Hold on  
> To me at least, this is the perfect song (especially the chorus parts) for the Alex/Callen/Kensi trio. It fits with who these two amazing women are for Callen at various times in his recovery.

* * *

 

"Why not me? Why take her with you?" Kensi asked.

They were the only ones who remained in the office, unless you counted Eric. He was still upstairs, probably playing games while he waited for a search, or three, to finish. He was still trying to trace the money from today.

"You know what they say. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer," Callen answered as he closed down his computer and stood up out of his chair. "I trusted you to have my back Kenz. You did. I didn't trust her."

"You felt something though." Kensi grabbed her bag from below her desk. "I saw you looking at her, when she was getting dressed. You kissed her."

It sounded like an accusation though Callen thought it most likely just an observation. He studied her face for a moment. Perhaps a little more than observation. He held back the smile.

"She kissed  _ me  _ Kensi," he said as he moved from behind his desk and walked toward her. "Tracey was before Alex."

Kensi perched on the edge of her desk, a swift glance toward Hetty's desk the only sign of any distraction from the conversation. "How far did it go?"

Callen raised his eyebrows but didn't answer.

"Sorry." Kensi gave him an apologetic smile and shook her head. "Don't answer that. Deeks said something today and it's stuck in my head."

"Kenz," Callen stepped closer to her, toe to toe. "Are you jealous?"

Kensi shook her head but it's not as positive as she thought and Callen noticed.

"You are jealous." Callen smiled and reached out to grab her hand and pull her up from the desk into his arms. "Kensi, Alex is the only woman from my past worthy of you being jealous of."

"I'm not jealous of Alex," Kensi protested firmly. "You know that."

"Didn't say you were, did I?"

Callen paused then prodded, "Follow that line of thinking." He saw the look in her eyes as the wheels turned. It didn't take her that long to work it out.

"If I'm not jealous of Alex, I shouldn't be jealous of anyone."

Callen gave a simple nod to her conclusion.

"Sorry," Kensi added.

Callen grinned, a mischievous sparkle formed in his eyes.

"Nothing to be sorry about," he said. "Kind of nice to see the claws come out."

"Excuse me?"

Callen stepped back and let go of Kensi. Just in case.

"You jealous," He grinned. "It's kinda hot."

Kensi rolled her eyes and shook her head but he saw the smile she was trying to fight.

 


	34. Anonymous

* * *

 

Kensi was relaxed in the bath. Soft music played through her phone. A few candles gave the room a gentle glow, a layer of bubbles covered her and helped keep the heat in the water.

She smiled when heard the door to her apartment open and close. She wasn't worried. She knew who it was, she could sense him.

When the door started to open Kensi reached for the gun that she had placed on the seat beside the bath. After all, a girl alone could never be too careful.

Callen walked through the door and froze, though his eyes spent a little more time focused on the woman in the tub rather than the gun that was pointed at him.

"Really Callen, you should've called," Kensi said. "Thought you were going out with the boys." She kept the smile off her face though it wasn't easy.

Callen had been. Very reluctantly though, especially after she had dropped the bomb of what she was going to be doing at home. He'd actually been hoping Sam would say no and that would give him an out.

"Hetty said no." Which he was most grateful for.

"You know," Kensi replied, gun still pointed steadily at him. "I was disappointed when you decided to go with them and not me."

Callen focused shifted to the gun and then to Kensi's face. "Deeks doesn't know. Needed to keep up appearances."

Kensi shifted in the bath, the bubbles that covered her moved too. Callen couldn't help that his gaze shifted too.

"I'm sure you could've thought of something to get out of it."

Callen moved forward and sat on the edge of the bath. Kensi had followed his movements with the gun.

"Kenz."

"Yes?" Her tone was more innocent than the look on her face which he was now looking at again, the gun definitely too close now.

"Could you please put down the gun?"

Kensi twitched her lips as if trying to decide. Callen kept his focus on her face and waited. After a few moments she placed the gun back on the seat. Callen breathed a little easier. Not that he thought she would do anything with it but he really didn't like it when guns were pointed at him. It tended to affect the mood.

"Hetty said no," Kensi repeated. "That's the only reason you're here?

Callen looked her over with a certain smile on his face that he kept for Kensi. The bubbles covered a lot but his imagination fueled by experience was no match.

"Hetty's got nothing to do with me being here. Just to do with me not being out with the boys."

"You sure?"

Now that she'd put the idea in his head Callen frowned and thought back. His eyes though never left her. Hetty hadn't been far behind, she may have even heard Kensi's comment.

"Okay, not completely sure anymore."

"Maybe-"

"Kenz," Callen stopped her. "Let's not talk about Hetty right now." His hand slipped into the water and stroked her thigh.

"Well." A seductive smile formed on Kensi's face "I can think of better things to be doing right now," she said.

"So can I."

"Get in the bath now Callen," Kensi ordered.

"Yes Ma'am."

Callen stood up and toed off one shoe then the other before he stepped into the bath, clothes and all. He dropped and kissed her, the water sloshed up the sides of the bath. It only narrowly missed spilling over onto the floor.

"You've already eaten the rocky road," he remarked when he pulled back from the kiss.

"You took too long." Kensi pulled him in for another kiss.

They stopped, both sucked in a deep breath. "I hope these aren't Hetty's clothes," Kensi said.

"You still want to talk about Hetty?"

"No. Just tell me their not hers."

"Shoes were. These aren't."

"Good." Kensi tugged, hard, on the two sides of the shirt and ripped through all buttons. She pushed it off his shoulders. Callen's eyebrows shot up, a smile tugged at his lips.

"Kiss me," Kensi demanded with a hand on the back of his neck already pulling him close.

 


	35. Bounty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No idea how Sam and Callen developed their trust. But as I am sure we all suspect, Hetty wasn't telling the Kensi and Deeks the whole truth. (maybe not any) So thought this was a good opportunity to delve into that side of things.

* * *

Kensi and Callen sat on a blanket at the beach, burgers in hand. The gentle breaking of the waves and the slight breeze in the air created a cool and calm environment for this impromptu dinner date. Callen had just returned from Afghanistan and was in the mood for a burger. He'd picked up Kensi, swung by a favourite takeaway for some burgers to go and come to one of their favourite spots. Nice, quiet and away from the crowds.

"So, did you really know the gun wasn't loaded because of how much it weighed when you fired it at Sam?" Kensi asked.

Callen glanced across at her. "What are you talking about?"

"Hetty told Deeks and I that when you and Sam were on assignment with the Armenian mob you pulled the trigger on Sam but the gun dry fired. She said you'd only fired because you knew it wasn't loaded."

Callen eyebrow lifted, a curious look on his face. "Really? And why was Hetty telling you and Deeks that story?" Seemed like he might finally find out what Deeks had been talking about earlier.

"Trust," Kensi replied. "She was giving us a pep talk about trust and how you and Sam learned to trust each other." She took another bite of her burger as she waited for his response.

Callen shook his head. "Kenz, she was telling the two of you a story. A fictional story." He stressed the word fictional.

Kensi looked over at him, her mouth stilled around her burger. Callen smiled. "She was probably just telling you what she felt like you needed to hear."

Kensi finally swallowed. "Okay, so when did you learn to trust Sam?"

After a few moments when Callen had finished his mouthful he replied. "First off, we trusted each other because of Hetty. I'll admit we had our moments of doubting in the early days but eventually we learnt from our own experiences."

"How long?"

Callen thought for a moment. "About four months before it was unconditional. And now it's stronger the longer we're together."

"What happened?"

Callen grinned. "That would be classified." He grabbed a few fries this time.

Kensi rolled her eyes. "Really?"

"No, not really. Not this one anyway."

"So, what happened to make you trust Sam?"

"He took a bullet for me."

Kensi's hands stilled with the burger only halfway to her mouth. "He what?"

"Okay, it was just a graze but still." Callen thought back to that mission. He and Sam had disagreed on how to handle things and in the end, he'd put his foot down and pulled the leader card. He'd seen the fury in Sam's eyes but ignored it. He'd felt like his choice of action was the right one. He'd had his reasons; good solid reasons for making that particular choice. Sam couldn't give him something to convince him to change his mind. It was just a strong gut feeling Sam had and at that point in their partnership, Sam's gut wasn't something that would trump his own. He'd learnt during that mission if Sam's gut was telling him something, it definitely needed to be listen to. From that moment, Sam's instincts were just as high up on the 'take note of' list as his own. It didn't always change the action that they took, but it made them look a little deeper at the plan and it most definitely affected the back ups they put in place.

"We missed something. Sam's gut was telling him this wasn't the way to go. I overruled and we went in anyway. Things went south. Sam was there, knocked me out the way and took the graze at the same time he took down the bad guys."

"But that's just Sam. He'd always have your back."

"It was more about him having it on that particular one. After me pulling the leader card, he was still there. He didn't let the anger he felt affect him. He just made a back up plan himself, listened to his gut and watched for things that weren't right." Callen grinned. "He didn't let me live it down for a while but I couldn't blame him."

"Well I'd prefer neither Deeks or I had to take a bullet for each other. Any other tips?"

"Get to know him Kenz. We all have to do that with our partners, sometimes more than once." Coming back from deep undercover or a close call with death could change the way your partner reacted and you needed to get to know them as they were then, not expect them to be who they had been.

"Deeks doesn't know about us yet. Makes things a little tricky."

Callen nodded. "I'll talk to Hetty and see what she thinks about us telling him and when. He's showing he can be trusted. I just…"

Kensi reached out to him and put her hand on his leg. "You want to be sure, I get it."

"I don't want to lose you Kenz. Anyway I can protect you, us, I'll do. Even if it seems a little too much." He didn't trust too many people with the finer details of his life, especially about those he loved.

"I know and I don't mind. It's just a little frustrating."

"You don't like his flirting?"

Kensi rolled her eyes. ""It's driving me crazy," she admitted. "I guess I'm hoping he'll settle down if he knows I'm taken."

"I'll talk to Hetty tomorrow."

Kensi was quiet for a moment.

"You know what, don't. We'll know when the time's right."

Callen looked across at her. "You sure?"

"Yeah. I can handle it a bit longer."

 


	36. Absolution

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No clue what the team would drink so hopefully it's not too OOC.

* * *

 

"To Hetty," Callen proposed the toast once his team had their respective drinks in front of them. Except for the one he was toasting who apparently already had plans. He was worried what those plans were but shook it off. It'd been a big day and they all needed to relax a little.

"To Hetty," the voices echoed.

"May that sneaky little ninja outlive us all," Deeks said.

"Here, here," agreed Sam.

Deeks, Sam and Kensi were drinking beer. Eric a Jack Daniels & Coke. When Nell had ordered a 'Sex on the beach' Callen had almost choked. Deeks eyes had gone wide and he'd opened his mouth to say something, except that Sam had stood on his foot to keep him quiet. Eric had blushed and Kensi had simply winked at Nell with a smile. It was the first time Nell had come out with them for drinks and he hadn't been expecting that choice. To be honest he'd probably been expecting her to go for orange juice. She just didn't look old enough which was probably why she was the only one that had been asked for I.D. He, as designated driver, had ordered a straight Coke.

"And to Kensi," Deeks added, "May I never be on the receiving end of her wrath." Sam almost snorted at that. Kensi rolled her eyes. Callen just shook his head. He'd be willing to bet that before the end of the day tomorrow Deeks would already be there.

"You mean like this morning?" Kensi asked, an innocent tone to her voice that wasn't reflected in her eyes.

"What happened?" asked Nell.

"He called me for a pick up but what he really wanted was for me to be his wing-man to pick up some ladies at his yoga class."

"You do yoga?" Sam asked.

"It's part of my cover," Deeks defended himself to Sam before he turned to Kensi. "And you Kensi, you were no wing-man at all."

"Not a man. What did you expect?"

"You didn't need to say that I cheated with your brother!"

Nell started to cough when some of her drink caught in her throat. Eric patted her on the back.

"You didn't?" Nell asked Kensi once she was recovered enough to talk.

"Yep." Kensi smiled. "He was asking for it."

"Hmph." Deeks took a mouthful of his drink.

"Prefer I kicked you instead?" Kensi timed her comment perfectly.

Deeks spat out his drink and cringed. "No, I'm good. Thanks. But Kensi, you've got way more skills you could've called on. Why kick him?"

"It was effective."

"But really…there? Of all places?"

The team laughed together.

"Nell on the other hand," Callen added and pointed at the little team member herself. "Now you should most definitely use that trick."

"Now that's not fair," Kensi argued. "Why Nell, not me?"

"Seriously Kenz," Callen smiled. "You give Sam a hard time in a fight. You don't need to fight dirty. Nell needs all the help she can get."

"Hey!" Nell protested, though Callen noted she already sounded a little tipsy. He eyed off her drink, it was only half empty.

"I agree," Deeks said, "that isn't fair." It was obvious he trying to get back into Kensi's good books.

Callen turned to Deeks. "If you had a little sister what would you tell her to do to an attacker?"

Deeks replied instantly. "Gouge out his eyes, kick him in the -" Deeks stopped. He nodded. "Fair enough. You've made your point."

The conversation drifted to less cringe worthy topics. Callen wasn't entirely sure what some of those topics were. His mind kept drifting to Hetty and what she was up to. Was she safe? He'd worried about her quite a bit today. Their waitress came over and a second round of drinks was ordered. Thankfully Nell switched over to a Blue Hawaiian which was much easier for him to accept.

"You okay?" Kensi leaned closer to Callen and whispered just as the second lot of drinks arrived and everyone was distracted getting theirs.

"Just worried about Hetty," he replied quietly. Their shoulders rubbed together now she was closer. He liked the connection.

"It was pretty personal today," she said.

Callen nodded. "Doesn't usually get personal with Hetty does it?"

"Nope," Kensi reached over to take her drink from the waitress. "It's Hetty, she'll be fine," she added when she had moved back close to him again.

"And if she's not?" Callen asked.

"Then we'll sick Nell onto whoever he is," Kensi answered with a wink and a smile.

Callen returned the smile and leaned in for a quick kiss, momentarily forgetting that there was one member of the team that they still hadn't told. Kensi's eyes went wide and they both turned quickly to see Deeks' reaction. Except there wasn't one because he was sidetracked flirting with their waitress.

* * *

 

_A little later._

Callen stood up and walked around the table to Sam. He bent down and spoke quietly.

"You okay to sort out getting Deeks and Eric home?"

Sam frowned. "Ditching your designated driver role?"

"No, but take a look at Nell. If I don't get her out of her now she'll be a puddle on the floor."

Sam and Callen both studied Nell for a moment. Nell was swaying slightly in her chair, a slightly dazed (Callen refused to think of it as drunk) look on her face. She giggled at something Deeks said.

Sam nodded. "I'll take 'em home in a cab."

"Thanks Sam."

Callen nodded at Kensi. He'd already had this conversation with her too and she'd agreed to help him get Nell home.

Kensi went around the table so she was on the other side of Nell.

"Night all," Callen said. "Nell, time to go."

"But -," Nell protested. She looked up at Callen quickly and swayed even more. "Whoa," she said. Her eyes went wide and she grabbed hold of the table.

"Yeah." Callen couldn't help the smile. This was so not like the (mostly) controlled Nell they knew from the office. "Let's go."

Kensi took hold of Nell's arm to help her up. Callen pulled out the chair and grabbed the other one.

There was a murmur of goodnights from those who remained at the table. Callen and Kensi helped Nell out to the car. She started to hiccup halfway there. When Kensi closed the car door after she'd secured Nell's seat-belt, Callen tugged her in for a quick kiss. "Stay in the back with her?"

"Sure," Kensi replied with a smile. "You make a very good big brother," she added before she walked around to the other side of the car.

They arrived at Nell's apartment, escorted her inside and carefully helped her down onto the couch, where she proceeded to slide down and lay her head on a cushion. She still had the hiccups and her eyes were already closed.

Callen shook his head. "How much did she have to drink?" he asked Kensi

"She only had the two and the second one was only half done when we left."

"She eat?" They'd also ordered some snacks to go with the drinks.

"Yep," Kensi nodded.

Callen shook his head again. "Beauty, brains, she can cook and get drunk on fumes. That does it. She doesn't go on a date unless we're all chaperoning."

Kensi giggled. "Yep, definitely big brother material. Over-protective and all!"

Callen pulled her into his arms. "You have a problem with that?"

"No. I'm guessing she won't either." They both looked over at the sleeping Nell.

"Kenz, can you stay the night with her?"

Kensi looked at him. "Why?"

"Just … Over-protective big brother. Make sure she's okay."

"Alright."

"It's not that I don't want to take you home." Callen grinned. "I had plans to make you eat your words."

Kensi frowned. "What words."

"Not all that."

"Oh." Kensi smiled. "You know I wasn't referring to you."

"Tomorrow night you can prove it."

"It's a date."

Callen let Kensi go and looked at Nell again. "Want me to move her to the bed?"

"Probably a good idea." Kensi pointed to a door. "Her bedroom's over there. I'll get it ready."

Callen picked up the sleeping girl (girl she would always be in his mind no matter what her birth certificate said) and carefully placed her on the bed. Kensi removed Nell's shoes and covered her up.

Kensi kissed Callen good night at the door. "Don't worry too much about Hetty," she said. "How much can she get up to at this time of night?"

"That's what I'm worried about." Callen kissed her again. "Night Kenz. Love you."

"Love you too."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Beauty, brains, she can cook..." references my Nell & Callen story 365 Days.


	37. Deliverance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bolded is direct quotes from the episode. A bit of a long one this time. It's a few different moments relating to the episode.  
> Hope you enjoy.  
> Let me know what you think.

* * *

 

 

_ In ops: _

**Deeks: this is all my fault.**

**Callen: No. My plan. My fault.**

Callen left his team in ops, his head a mess with what had happened. Kensi was in trouble. It was his fault.

"G, stop."

Callen stopped abruptly and turned. Alex was right there behind him.

"I have to get-"

"Yes, but not this way," Alex cut him off.

"How do you even know what way?" Callen demanded. "I don't even know what way." He was frustrated, felt guilty and so many thoughts ran around his head as he tried to work out how to get Kensi back safe and sound that he wasn't even sure what way was up right now.

"I know you G." Alex said softly. "I know you want to rush in and save her."

"Of course I do." Callen started to turn and walk away. Alex slipped into step beside him.

"But you can't. Not this way. You have to think with your head not your heart."

"You'd be doing the same thing," Callen replied. He looked across at her as they kept walking. "And anyway, haven't you been working on me listening to my heart more."

Alex put her hand on his arm and pulled him to a stop. Callen noticed they were in view of everyone downstairs and guided them back into the shadows.

"Yes and yes," Alex said. "But G, Kensi's best hope is for you and your team to do what you do best. You need your head in the game."

"My head is.."

The look on her face stopped his words.

"Really G?" Alex shook her head. "You're running on emotions, which isn't a bad thing as long as it's tempered with logic and a plan."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning you and Sam are partners. Kensi and Deeks are partners. You pair Sam with Deeks and you break a great partnership. A partnership you are going to need to get this done."

Callen's voice raised slightly."She's alone Alex."

"No she's not."

"Don't tell me you let Lily -" Callen stopped at the look on her face. "James?"

"Yes and he will be there with her as long as she needs him to be." Alex frowned. "You don't really think I would let Lily go into that do you? No matter how much she cares for Kensi."

Callen shook his head, "I'm sorry. " His voice was soft with his next words, a touch of desperation to them. "I have to get her back."

Alex put her hand up and cupped his cheek. "I know," she said softly. "I know what you are going through. When Walsh had you, as soon as I knew where you were I was on my way to the car. Fled ops, raced down the stairs and barged straight past Hetty without a word. I would've kept going except she grabbed my arm. I swung around and almost hit her."

"You almost hit Hetty?"

"She was stopping me coming to you." Callen knew that the look that was probably on Alex's face when Hetty stopped her would have been enough to turn anyone else to stone.

"What did she do?"

"She reminded me how well I work with Nathan. That I was always better with him than on my own. That my partner couldn't possibly be there for me or have my back if he was playing catch up from twenty paces behind. And that to get you home meant I needed to be at my best." Nathan had been the flipside of her coin. Where Alex was weak he was strong and vice versa.

"It's my fault," Callen told her.

"No it's not."

"My plan got her into this."

Alex shook her head. "Her trust in you has kept her alive, and most likely Deeks too. If she had continued to refuse, they probably would have killed them both there and then."

Callen shuddered at the thought.

"She's waiting for you G," Alex stepped closer and looked him directly in the eye. "Trusting you all to get her back. As a team. Not just you. Don't try and play the hero. You need to do this as a team. You all have your parts to play and if you try playing someone else's it will all go wrong."

Callen could felt his determination to walk out now and go and get Kensi wane. Alex continued her onslaught.

"Deeks needs to do this too. He and Kensi need to know that they have each others backs and will fight for each other. Kensi has put her faith and trust in all of you. She already knows you won't stop until you get her. She knows it about Sam too. She needs to know the same applies to Deeks."

"But-"

"You trusted Nathan with me."

"Yes but you two weren't in these kind of situations."

"No we weren't," Alex admitted. "But it didn't mean things didn't get hairy. When Walsh had you, what do you think would've happened to me if I'd gone off and come to you on my own? Without Nathan by my side doing everything he could and the other teams you wouldn't have had to live through me dying in your arms because I wouldn't have made it to you that day."

Callen closed his eyes briefly and sighed.

"G, I know how hard this is for you. Let Deeks prove he's got her back. If you don't let him show you that he can be there for her, you'll never really trust him. And neither will Kensi and you know how important that is. Trust your team ... Trust me?"

Callen took a deep breath and nodded. Alex gave him a satisfied smile. "Good. Now go make that plan."

* * *

 

_ Kensi - Laser room: _

"Well aren't you in a bit of a tight spot."

Her eyes were closed but Kensi would know that voice. She was in the middle of some breathing exercises to attempt to remain calm. She knew if she moved and crossed one of those lasers, lasers that she couldn't see, she was done for.

"Any chance you can whisk me out of here?" Kensi opened her eyes and focused on him across the room.

"Sorry Kensi," James said. "I honestly have no idea how this whole angel thing works."

"You did it with Callen and the car."

"True. Still can't say how we did it. You know I would if I could."

"Maybe I should ask them to turn off the camera. Maybe you aren't allowed witnesses."

Normally James would have chuckled at a comment like that. That spoke volumes about the situation.

"It's bad isn't it?" Kensi asked him.

"I'm afraid so. You know they're coming for you right?"

"I know."

"Callen will be here Kensi."

"I know," she whispered. Fear started to rise in her. Not the kind she'd had before, about being blown up. But the kind about what it would do to the man she loved. How would Callen cope?

"Don't you go there Kensi Marie," James said firmly. "You know he'll come. He'll never stop coming. He's not going to let you go now."

She closed her eyes again and took a couple of deep calming breaths.

"That's my girl. Pleased it still works."

"You taught me, of course it does."

"Glad I can be of some assistance. Though I suspect the mental picture you use no longer contains me."

Kensi smiled. "You would guess right." He'd taught her a long time ago to breath slowly, counting to 5 each way and picture the thing she wanted most at that moment. He'd featured frequently in those mental pictures. Now though the man in the picture, the picture of her safe and sound and at home, was definitely not James.

"I'm here Kensi. As long as you need me to be."

"Stay. Till they get here please," she begged. "Just do me a favour and don't make me laugh."

"Wouldn't dream of it." His tone was serious. James had said those words to her many times in the past, usually with a tone and a look in his eyes that sent her into giggles. This time he didn't though. Kensi took it as she knew he intended. A promise.

"How long?" she asked.

"I don't know. But they're coming."

"Alex on the case?"

"Not sure. If Callen's out of line, probably."

"Good to know."

"She's there for you too, as often as you or he need her."

"I know." She knew Alex was there for her, even though they had never met, at least not in the real world. She wasn't quite sure why she could see Alex and Lily. Maybe she should ask sometime, if they ever got to chat when there wasn't some pressing danger.

Time ticked on. James' presence was comforting even during the long silences. Especially the times when she felt the fear rise again and he worked with her to breath through it. When she started to sweat he moved closer, caught her gaze with his and with his eyes promised he would never leave her. They were in this together. She almost cried but he got her breathing again.

"Kensi, they're here. Just hold on a little longer. You can do this."

Kensi nodded. "James."

"Yeah?"

"I love you. You know that right? Even though.."

"I know. I'm glad you've got him now. But don't you even think that you are coming to join me anytime soon. I want to see what you look like old and grey."

Kensi almost smiled. "Thought you weren't going to try and make me laugh."

"No trying to make you laugh. Just stating a fact."

The door opened and Deeks came through.

Deeks? Kensi thought. Not Callen?

"Deeks is your partner Kensi," James whispered for her ears only. "Where else would he be? Trust him."

" **Kensi?"**

" **Deeks stop!" She took a breath. "Switch off the lights."**

* * *

 

_ At stadium: _

Callen and Sam's pace was fast when they headed to check on Kensi and Deeks. When Deeks hadn't answered briefly after the explosion Callen was about ready to sprint, but then he'd said they were good. He'd blinked back the tears of relief that had tried to make it to his eyes. They still had a job to do.

Callen felt some of the tension in his body release when he saw them. Deeks supported Kensi. Callen's heart finally slowed down, close to normal. She was alive. She was walking. That eased his mind a fraction.

As they continued toward Kensi and Deeks out of the corner of his eye he saw Sam glance at him and then back to Kensi. Callen hadn't taken his eyes off Kensi except for the brief moment where he had assured himself that Deeks appeared to be as good as he'd reported.

Callen picked up the pace slightly. He only narrowly refrained from breaking into a run. When they finally reached Kensi and Deeks, Sam gave Kensi careful hug. Callen watched from the side.

"You good Deeks?" Callen asked, eyes still on Kensi.

"I'm good," Deeks replied.

Sam let go of Kensi but guided her to Callen, away from Deeks. Sam turned and put his hand on Deeks back and ushered him away.

"But-" Deeks protested

"Deeks, just give him a minute," Sam said.

Deeks tried to turn around. The hand on his back making it difficult.

"You did great," Sam added. That stopped Deeks turning. He looked at Sam.

"You think so?"

"I know so," Sam nodded. "You got her out. That's what partners do."

When Deeks started to turn again Sam said, "Has Kensi told you about Dom?"

"Her previous partner? The one who died?"

"Yeah." There was a brief pause before Sam added. "He was abducted."

"Abducted?"

"They had him for months before we finally found him."

Deeks didn't say anything so Sam continued. "We were so close to getting him out but there was a shootout. Dom stepped in front of a shower of bullets to save one of us."

"Oh hell," Deeks said. "I'm sorry. Was it to save her?"

"No ... Me."

It was a few moments before Deeks spoke again. "So Callen needs to know she's okay."

"Yeah. From her. Can you imagine what's been going through his head given that was the result of the last time one of us was taken?"

"Nope," Deeks admitted.

"They'll be here in a minute, then we finish this."

* * *

 

_ At stadium pt 2: _

Callen pulled Kensi into a hug. They stood like that for a minute. She held him tight and he felt her tremble just a little. He had no idea what say to her. There were so many things he'd felt over the last few hours.

"I love you," Kensi whispered.

"Love you too."

They pulled back a little and he rested his forehead against hers and they both took some calming breaths together.

"You okay?" he asked.

"Am now."

Callen lifted his head and smiled at her. Kensi could still see some pain and fear in his eyes so the smile was unexpected.

"You've got your own story now."

"What?"

"How you learned to trust Deeks. You did say you didn't want either of you to take a bullet for each other."

Kensi laughed softly. It felt so good to be able to do that again. "Almost getting blown up together certainly makes for a good story."

"That 'almost' makes a good basis for trust."

Kensi nodded.

"Why weren't you the one to come and get me?" she asked.

"I needed to be with Sam. We needed to trust Deeks."

Kensi studied him a moment. "You spoke with Alex."

"James tell you that?"

"No, just that if you were out of line, she'd be there."

Callen chuckled. "You know me well. I was ready to come get you myself. She told me to think with my head and make sure I put together the best team possible to get you.”

“It worked." 

He kissed her tenderly. "I was terrified," he admitted.

"You're not the only one."

"I didn't want to leave your rescue in anyone's hands but mine."

"You trusted him. It worked out."

"We all trusted him with you. Just like you did."

Kensi nodded.

"Let's go finish this. There's more to do before I take you home and never let you leave the house again."

Kensi smiled. "As long as you don't leave either, I'm good with that."

They walked side by side together, one arm around each other, all the way to Sam and Deeks. He didn't remove his arm. He really didn't care what anyone thought at the moment. It wasn't just that his girl was safe. One of his team had almost died, make that two, and right now, he felt she needed this. And being perfectly honest with himself, so did he.

* * *

 

_ Post episode _

Callen looked across at Kensi, seated in the passenger seat of his car. They'd made Hetty safe from Matthias, at least he hoped they had scared him enough to do so. It was finally over and he was taking them home. Kensi's eyes were closed. He took a left when he should've taken a right but she didn't notice. It wasn't until he stopped the car and turned off the engine that she opened her eyes. She glanced out the window and frowned.

"Why are we here?" She looked across at him.

"You said we'd know when the time was right. If we can't trust Deeks after today we never will."

Kensi smiled. "You're right. Let's do this."

Kensi held Callen's hand all the way to Deeks' door. Callen knocked.

"Wow, you're early," Deeks' voice said just before he opened the door. A look of surprise crossed Deeks' face when he saw them. "Not expecting you two."

"Who were you expecting? A visit from a special lady friend?" Callen asked with a grin.

"Nah, not tonight. Got Chinese food coming." Deeks stepped back and ushered them in.

"What brings you two to my door after the day we've had?"

"Callen and I, we…" Kensi trailed off. She wasn't quite sure how to phrase it. Did she jump straight in and tell him or build it up slowly.

Deeks took care of that for them. "You're dating."

"What? You knew?" Kensi was confused.

Deeks shrugged. "It was a suspicion. Little things. It was that or you were secretly brother and sister, but that was pretty unlikely. Then you rock up here holding hands." He pointed to their hands that were still linked. "Plus Sam keeping me from the two of you today was a bit odd, though the big guy did play it well."

"What little things?" Callen asked.

"How long your eyes stayed on her versus Nell. Little touches as you brush past each other. Your car being at Kensi's a couple of times when I've swung by to check on her."

"Okay, so obviously we weren't quite as discrete as we thought," Kensi replied.

"You were, I'm just observant. How long?"

"Bit over eighteen months," Callen answered.

Deeks' eyes went wide. "That long? Wow. You two are good. I thought it was just a month or so. When that Tracey chick rocked up. Something seemed a little odd about the way Kensi was looking at her. Then I started noticing the little things."

Deeks yawned.

"Deeks," Callen said. "We've kept it from everyone outside the team. It's complicated."

"I'm always up for a good and complicated story." Deeks yawned again. "But maybe not tonight. My dinner's about to arrive and my bed is calling - pity it's not someone in it." he said with a typical Deeks grin. The grin slipped away. "Though why tell me now?"

"Because you saved her," Callen replied as he put his arm around Kensi's shoulders and pulled her close to him.

There was a knock on the door

"Just doing my job," Deeks replied and moved toward the door.

"No Deeks," Callen said with a shake of his head. "You were being her partner. Knowing she can trust you, knowing  _ I _ can trust you to be there for her, it's a big thing. You've earned our trust with this."

Deeks nodded. They said goodnight and left Deeks to his dinner, though Callen did manage to pick up the tab and pay the delivery guy before Deeks could get his wallet out. Callen nodded at Deeks and Deeks accepted the gesture without protest. They headed to Callen's car and he took Kensi home. He wasn't planning on letting her out of his sight for a couple of days.


	38. Disorder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When writing this I had not seen anything more official about Jack than this episode. I think what I've done fits well with this story and the advent of James.  
> Enjoy.

* * *

"How you feeling?" Callen asked as he handed Kensi a glass of sparkling apple juice and sat down on the floor near her. She was on the couch, a fire blazed nicely in the fireplace. It was the day after Christmas.

They'd driven up to Snow Summit, a two and a half hour drive from LA. Their original plan had been to fly to Seattle after Callen had been to the game with Sam, stay in a hotel for the night and then head up to Mission Ridge for a week of skiing. Plans were changed after the mission, particularly the blow to the head Kensi had received. Flying and skiing weren't really options for her at present. Hetty had come to the rescue and offered them her cabin for a week while Kensi recovered from her concussion. A nice quiet week just the two of them with strict orders from Hetty not to call in to see how things were going. She would get Eric to contact them if the world was coming to an end and they needed to return. Though Callen couldn't wrap his head around Hetty having a cabin at a ski resort. The mental picture of her on skis or a snowboard just wouldn't form.

"I'm good," Kensi replied.

Callen gave her a looked that clearly said he didn't believe her.

"I still hurt," Kensi admitted with a roll of her eyes and a smile. "The headache is still there, just not as bad as earlier. If I stand up too quickly I feel a little dizzy. I'm fine Callen," she assured him. "I know it's going to take a bit before this settles down."

Concussions tended to be tricky things and unpredictable in how long the symptoms would take to completely go away. Hetty had given him the phone number of a good local doctor just in case Kensi started to get worse in any way.

"Ribs?"

"Still a bit sore, probably less than yours after that tumble down the stairs," Kensi replied. She looked at him with a smile. "Nothing to worry about though." She winked and Callen grinned back. He knew exactly what that wink was about.

"We'll see how you're feeling tomorrow," he replied.

Kensi pouted, very briefly.

They sat quietly for a few minutes. Both watched the flames play in the fireplace and sipped their drinks.

"Kenz," Callen said still focused on the flames.

"Jack." Kensi replied softly. She obviously suspected what he had been thinking about.

"Will you tell me about him?"

Kensi was quiet for a moment. Callen reached for her hand and twined her fingers with his. He didn't turn and look at her though. He just waited patiently, gave her some privacy and time to consider if she wanted to or not.

"What I told Talbot was true," Kensi finally said. "Jack came home different. I tried, but it wasn't enough." She took a slow deep breath. "He broke my heart when he left. I didn't think it would ever heal. If it hadn't been for his parents knowing he was okay I'd have reported him missing. I went to their house, thinking he was going to be there, but he wasn't. They didn't want me to try and find him. He'd told them he didn't want to see me again. It was the worst Christmas."

"Did you see him again?"

"No. For all I know he's dead."

They were quiet again before Kensi added, "If he's alive and I do see him again, part of me will probably be tempted to shoot him."

Callen squeezed her hand. "Perhaps you'd better not show me a picture or I might beat you to it."

"It wasn't all bad," Kensi admitted. "Until he came back from that mission it was good, really good."

"How did you meet?" Callen turned his attention away from the fire and focused on her.

"He was one of my best friend's oldest brother's friends. I'd seen him around when we were teenagers. But being seven years older he wasn't really someone we hung out with. It wasn't until my 21st that things changed. He was back on leave. Kerry and her family threw me a birthday party." There was a sad smile on her face. She hadn't had anyone else to do it.

"I'm glad they were there for you," Callen said.

Kensi smiled again, not so sad this time. "They always were. Anyway, Jack was there and he was watching me through the night. I could feel his eyes on me. It had been a couple of years since I'd seen him and I noticed him too, in a different way to normal. Then he asked me to dance. It was the first time we'd danced and I felt sparks. It wasn't like that with anyone else. We danced, we talked and at the end of the night he kissed my cheek and left."

"How long before you saw him again?"

"About three months. He shipped out the next day. When he came back he looked me up and we went out on a date. Didn't look back. We knew it wasn't going to be easy with him being away so often but we made it work. It wasn't like I didn't know what I was getting into. We were supposed to live happily ever after."

Kensi stood up and walked over to the fireplace before she continued. "But things went wrong. He came back and I wasn't the comfort he remembered. I was the ground to slam into."

Callen saw the glistening of a tear trickle down her check and stood up to join her beside the fire. Another one slipped down and he wiped it away with his thumb.

"Kenz, you don't have to keep going."

Kensi smiled. "Hey, you told me all about Alex. Need to return the favour."

Callen shook his head. "No. You don't," he said firmly. "You tell me when you are ready, be it now, later or never." He pulled her into his arms, her head dropped onto his shoulder.

"I want to. It still hurts though."

"I know," Callen said. Even though he'd come a long way regarding Alex, there were times when thinking and talking about her, especially how it ended, still hurt.

Kensi sniffed a little and then moved back to the couch. Callen sat down beside her, his arm around her shoulder. Kensi leaned into him carefully.

"I tried," she said. "I really tried to help him. I did everything I could, even went to therapy for myself so I didn't take my frustrations out on him. I tried to find other ways to help him through it. I researched his condition, old, new and alternative ways to help. But nothing did and … in the end he walked away."

Callen squeezed her shoulder gently. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah. So am I. But then James swooped into the rescue."

Callen felt the tension in her ease a little and knew that the conversation about Jack was over for now. He didn't push it. He suspected there was a lot more to the story but she'd told him enough. If she wanted to go into detail further at some point she could. He'd listen but he'd never push her to reveal any more of that painful time.

"James turned up, crutches and all, Christmas night after Jack left."

"Crutches?"

"Yeah, he was injured over there too. Leg broken in three places. They were part of the same unit. James was younger but being part of the team meant we were already friends. You know what it's like with units in the military and how they are."

She paused deep in thought, a smile on her face that reassured Callen what she was thinking wasn't too painful.

"James hobbled through my door with six pack of beer, a big container of ice cream and Miracle on 34th Street. Not easy to do on crutches. We drank, we ate and we watched." She paused again before she admitted, "And I cried."

Callen brushed a stray piece of hair off her face that had slipped out of her loose ponytail.

Kensi's eyes were focused on the flames in the fireplace, but Callen knew she wasn't really seeing them.

"For the next eight months he was there," Kensi continued. "Somehow, anytime I was falling he was there to catch me. Even with all his rehab to get fit and ready to be deployed again he was there for me."

"Eight months?" The figure was familiar to Callen regarding Kensi. He thought for a moment. "This is the rough patch you mentioned a while ago that he helped you with, before you got together?"

"Yeah. He never once showed me that there was anything more to him being there than being a good friend. Not until that night."

"Kenz," Callen shifted his shoulder a little to get her to look at him. When she was he said, "I'd bet on it that he was already in love with you. Every time he turned up to help you, he was showing you, just not in the obvious way."

Kensi nodded and smiled. "You're right. He told me later that he'd been in love with me for about two years."

"But he didn't say anything?"

"Jack was his superior so he wouldn't do anything because of that and since I was happy with Jack, he locked it away and tried to ignore his feelings."

"And when Jack left?"

"The door was open. He waited patiently for me to see it."

"And you did."

"Eventually." Kensi put her head back down on Callen's shoulder. "Things took off from that night I told you about," she continued. "We went out on our official first date and were living together within weeks. Four months later, his recovery was complete and he deployed again. But I dreaded his return home because I was so afraid that the same thing that happened with Jack would happen again."

"I take it it didn't."

"No. The opposite." Kensi's voice got a little softer. "I remember it so clearly. James came home to me a day early. I was supposed to pick him up the next morning after he'd been debriefed. But he wanted to come to me sooner so he figured out a way. I remember him walking through the door. I remember the look on his face. The joy but the sorrow and the pain too. I already knew that things had gone really bad. A roadside bomb went off when they were part of a convoy. Half his team was in the vehicle that got hit. They all died."

Callen didn't know what to say to comfort her.

"He walked through the door," her voice started to choke up but she pushed on, "closed and locked it. Dropped his bags and came straight to me. He kissed me, picked me up and took me to bed. He didn't say a word. Just showed me how much he loved me and missed me."

There were tears in Kensi's eyes to match those in her voice. "Then he cried, then slept. He was exhausted. I could see it so clearly in his face as he slept. And even with everything he had just done, I was still scared. Scared that he'd wake up and leave. So I didn't sleep. I just watched."

She brushed away the tears that had fallen down her cheeks.

"Eventually he woke up. He sat up and took my hands in his. Looked me straight in the eye and asked me to marry him." Kensi blew out her breath. "He wouldn't let me answer straight away though. He had more to say so he held a finger to my lips the whole time he talked. He told me that I…"

Her fingers drifted to her lips and Callen watched her take another calming breath before she tried again. Her words were slow but determined when she did continue. They were also filled with both pain and amazement. And the tears fell as she spoke.

"He told me that I would never be the ground he slammed into. That by the time he got home to me, he'd already crashed. Was already broken. That coming home to me would always be his safe place. A place he would finally be free to feel the pain, to let go of holding on to his control and being strong for others. That I was a place he could be sad or angry or whatever he needed to be - but never at me - and that I would be the reason he would become whole again after he'd been broken."

She was crying, hers words barely audible by the time she spoke the last ones.

Callen pulled her into his arms and held her tight. It was a while before he said anything and when he did, he took the conversation in a lighter direction. She'd been through enough darkness for one night.

"I take it you said yes," he said lightly.

Kensi laughed softly, just a little. She sat up and tried to wipe away the tears on her cheeks. "How could a girl say no after that? I was going to say yes anyway."

Callen brushed away the remaining tears from her cheeks and smiled at her. "I'm glad you had him."

"So am I," Kensi replied softly.

 


	39. Overwatch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little something to start the day.  
> Enjoy

* * *

After a quiet dinner, some ice packs and a relaxing shower, Kensi was asleep in bed in Callen's arms. He couldn't sleep. Nothing unusual about that. Except tonight one thing in particular about the day bothered him more than anything else. He eased Kensi out of his arms slowly. Thankfully it didn't disturb her sleep.

Callen closed the bedroom door silently and sat down on her couch. On his phone he pulled up the traffic camera video from when she had been hit by the car. Over and over he watched it, wondering how the hell she had so few injuries. From what he could tell she should be in hospital with a few broken bones at least. Worst case he deliberately avoided thinking about. She'd taken a blow to the head that had shaken her a little but, according to the doctors, she didn't even have a concussion from it. It didn't make sense unless, he thought, a certain someone or someone's had been watching out for her.

"Always," came a voice from across the room.

Callen looked up. James was standing there beside the front door - as if he'd just walked in which Callen knew wasn't the case.

"So you were there," Callen said. "I couldn't see anything."

James shrugged. "Like I told Kensi, not sure how this angel thing works. I suspect that we get to be there for you however you need us at the time. A voice in the head, a vision." James grinned. "An arse kicking. Or in this case, a touch of padding."

"You were between her and the car."

"And the ground," James confirmed. "Just a layer of protection to ease the danger."

"Thank you."

James nodded.

"I don't know what I'd do if I lost her," Callen admitted, his eyes drifted back to his phone and the paused image of Kensi being struck by the car, the crack already in the windscreen.

"I'll do everything I can to make sure it doesn't happen," James assured him.

Callen nodded.

"Callen. She's not going to leave you and she'll do everything she can to make sure no one makes her."

"How do I keep her safe?"

"You can't." James sat down next to Callen and continued. "You can protect her to the best of your abilities, which are exceptional. Bring her home when she's taken and hold her when she cries. Be there for her whenever she needs you. You two don't have a life that allows her to always be safe."

"Is it enough though?" Callen asked.

"Enough?"

"What else can I do for her?"

"Love her."

"I do."

"Then there's nothing more Callen. We can't do anything more than we already are. We just have to keep doing it no matter what and make sure she knows we do."

Callen nodded. "Make sure she knows," he repeated quietly.

He turned but James was already gone. Callen got lost in his own head for a while before he picked up the phone.

"Hetty, I need a favour."

 


	40. Archangel

* * *

"Hey," Callen said when Kensi answered her phone.

"Hi. You on your way?"

"No. I'm sorry Kenz," Callen said. "I know we had plans but this thing today with Sam, I'm gonna spend some time with him tonight. Maybe catch a game or something." He watched Sam come down the stairs from Ops.

"Is he okay?" Kensi asked.

"Don't know. Just want to make sure he's not feeling guilty. Driscoll died on his watch."

"That would be hard for Sam. It's okay. I'll be fine. Maybe I'll call Nell, have a girls night."

"Thanks Kenz."

"Night."

Callen looked over at Sam who now stood at his desk.

"Go home to your girl G, I'm fine."

"Sam, come on," Callen stood up. "Let's go watch a game, chill. You can talk if you want."

"No need to talk," Sam replied, "but a game and a couple of beers could be a good way to spend the evening."

Callen grabbed his car keys and they headed out of the office.

* * *

 

_A few hours later_

Callen and Sam walked back into the office. Sam headed for his desk and Callen lent against the dividers of the bullpen.

"I can't believe you left your keys," Callen said. "You never leave them behind."

Sam ignored the jibe, reached into his desk drawer and pulled out his keys. "Got 'em. Thanks for tonight G."

The sounds of faint feminine laughter brought their exit to a halt. They listened carefully to the voices that only just reached their ears because of the quietness of the office this late at night.

"Go Kensi!" Callen's eyebrows raised as he looked across at Sam.

"Miss Jones!" Sam's head tilted, a confused frown on his face.

"Sorry Hetty, I can't help it. I always go for the underdog."

Surprise and curiosity erased the frown on both their faces.

"Kensi?" Callen said.

"Nell?" Sam questioned.

"Hetty?" fell from both their lips at the same time they heard Nell say "3, 2, 1 go."

"The wall!"

Callen and Sam sped through the office to the training area and came to an abrupt halt at the sight in front of them. Kensi and Hetty were halfway up the climbing wall, obviously racing. Nell had a little bounce going as she watched the other two women expertly move up the wall.

Callen and Sam's eyes returned to Kensi and Hetty.

Sam said quietly, "Hetty or Kensi?"

Callen nudged him. "Shh."

They continued to watch as Kensi just beat Hetty to the top by only a hand hold. Nell cheered.

"Well done Miss Blye. Well done," Hetty said.

Callen continued to stare at the two women, but Sam clapped, which brought their attention to the fact they now had an audience.

"Mr Callen," Hetty turned her body, still at the top of the wall, one hand held loosely by her side. "Mr Hanna. Did you enjoy the game?"

"Not as much as watching you two," Sam said.

Sam started to move forward but Callen was rooted to the spot.

"G?" Sam turned.

"She won." Callen turned to Kensi and started to walk toward her. She was half way down the wall as was Hetty. "How'd you beat Hetty?" he asked.

Kensi shared a smile with Hetty and Nell. A smile Callen was sure held many secrets and was equally as sure that the sisterhood code would mean he wasn't likely to find out. He moved closer to the wall as Kensi and Hetty continued down.

When Kensi finally reached the bottom, he asked again. "How did you do that?"

Kensi smiled. "I'm good."

"I know, but -"

"Mr Callen, a word of advice," Hetty interrupted. "Unless you actually want to be next to challenge Miss Blye you should think very carefully about your upcoming words."

Callen thought for a moment, nodded and then turned his attention back to Kensi. "Well done Kenz."

"Good choice," Hetty murmured as she removed the chalk pouch before she turned back to Kensi and Nell.

"Miss Blye, Miss Jones. Thank you for a most enjoyable 'girls' night. Perhaps next time, the shooting range?"

"Sounds good Hetty," Kensi replied. Nell nodded and said her goodbyes as did Hetty. That left just Callen and Sam with Kensi.

Sam shook his head at the two of them. "Night G. Kenz. See you tomorrow."

"Night Sam."

Callen opened his mouth after Sam left. Kensi covered it with her hand. She smiled. "Don't ask again. Can you take me home? I'm shattered. Between teaching Nell to climb and racing Hetty, it's been a big night, not up to the drive."

Callen slipped an arm around her shoulders and they headed out. "You know I can get it out of you."

"Who do you think I'm more afraid of? You or Hetty?" Kensi queried.

Callen paused. "Fine, I won't try. Next time you challenge Hetty though, let me know."

"Why?"

"So I can bet on you."

 


	41. Lock  up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit different to the other chapters as it a phone conversation but hopefully fits in nicely with the chapter that seriously had nothing Kensi/Callen it! Bit on the short side though. Bigger ones are coming but the next few are a little briefer than I would like, mainly due to the difficulty in finding inspiration in the episodes.  
> Enjoy

* * *

 

 

_ Phone call between Callen and Kensi - sometime after he shows Hetty the toy soldier and video tape. _

"Hey, where are you?" Kensi asked when she had found a semi-private spot in the office to answer Callen's call.

"Looking for some answers. I'm sorry Kenz. I have a lead I need to follow."

Kensi frowned. "What happened?"

"Someone left a toy soldier on Amy's grave. I think it's the same person who was taking photos of me."

"Oh. We aren't helping because?"

"Hetty won't approve it."

"Why not?"

"Too dangerous."

Kensi felt the tension in her shoulders increase. "Really?" she asked. "Considering everything we do finding someone who left something on a grave is considered too dangerous?"

"Hetty has her reasons, what they are I don't know. But it's also not work related."

Deeks walked nearby and she lowered her voice. "Be careful."

"I will Kenz. I don't know how long this is going to take. Stay away from my place, just in case."

Kensi's chest tightened and her worry levels escalated. "Now you're really worrying me."

"Sorry."

"I'll stay away if you promise to call if things get bad." She mentally crossed her fingers that somehow over the past couple of years he was learning to accept help more than he used to. She couldn't guarantee it.

"I promise," Callen replied. "So how was Louise's second date."

"Good, until I went to get my phone I left in his car this morning."

"What happened?"

"He was kissing the wench from Medieval times who had been our barmaid. What'd I do wrong? I thought it went well." She felt her frustration rise. She was so sure she'd pulled off a decent second date.

"I don't know," Callen said, "but did you ever consider that maybe you're giving off signals that you aren't available?"

"But Louise is."

"You aren't."

"Guess I need some more practice."

"Save it til I get back, you can practice on me." There was a cheeky tone to his voice which was a nice change from earlier in the conversation.

Kensi chuckled. "What good will that do me?"

"Not much, but I'd definitely prefer it that way."

She smiled. "Jealous?"

"No, a touch possessive maybe."

Nell caught Kensi's attention and signaled that she was needed. Kensi nodded and waited for Nell to move out of earshot.

"Callen, be careful," she said.

"I will. Take care of Sam for me."

"Of course."


	42. Tin Soldiers

* * *

 

Callen and Kensi sat on a blanket on the floor, the takeaway Indian dinner that Kensi had brought with her in front of them.

"Do you know that we haven't actually spent the night here yet?" she said.

"Really? You sure?"

"Yep," Kensi nodded. "There were those few nights with some thoroughly enjoyable hours on this very blanket but you always took me home to sleep."

When Callen didn't respond Kensi asked, "Why don't you want me to stay the night here? I mean I know you don't have a bed but it's not like being on the floor on the blanket was the worst place either of us have ever slept."

"Kenz it's not that I didn't want you to spend the night. I was just being cautious."

"Cautious? I'd say a bit more than cautious."

"Probably," Callen admitted.

"So why?"

Callen thought for a few moments, tried to figure out how to put it into words. "This place, to some degree it is my past. Yet my future too. I guess I've been holding onto the past because this was the one place it was good."

"You're worried if you furnish it that you'll lose that connection."

"Something like that." Callen stood up and held his hand out to her. Kensi took it and he pulled her up into his arms but didn't kiss her. Callen steered them to the plant that Hetty had left him earlier in the evening. "Hetty thinks I need to put down roots. The housewarming present was a less than subtle hint that I should furnish the house rather than living here as if it's temporary."

"It would make life more comfortable for you." Kensi smiled, "then we could spend the night rather than having to get dressed and head back to my place."

Callen grinned. "Interesting thought. You here all night. The possibilities. A very good reason to buy a bed." He pulled her into his arms for a slow deep kiss. He stopped it before it went past the kiss and they ended up on the blanket again. He took her hand and led her silently through the house and stopped at one of the bedroom doors. He turned the door handle, pushed it open and then flicked the light switch. Kensi stared at the vision in front of her and then looked at him.

"You brought a bed? When?"

"It arrived the morning I found the toy soldier. I haven't had a chance to test it out yet."

"Sheets?"

"Top shelf, wardrobe."

"Washed?"

"Yes."

Kensi moved to the wardrobe and pulled them out. She looked at Callen. "I'm not your slave you know." He moved toward her and took the sheets out of her hands, placed them on the bed and pulled her into his arms.

"I know you aren't. Hetty thinks I haven't put down roots, but she's wrong."

Kensi's eyes went wide. "Hetty wrong? Never."

"This time yes. You see Kenz, you are my roots. You are what make me stable, what makes me want to live, not just exist. Not some house, no matter how good the memories are." To admit that to her was big, to admit it to himself had been even bigger. Letting himself be dependent on a person who could be taken from him at anytime was probably the hardest thing he'd had to do, knowing how much it would destroy him if something happened to her. But, it had happened and he wasn't going to hide from it. He wasn't going to let his past take this from them. He wanted her to know. She deserved to know.

He could see the sheen of tears in Kensi's eyes, saw her blink them away and smile that smile he knew was just for him.

"So," Kensi said, "you going to help me make this bed so we can test it out?"

 


	43. Empty Quiver

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this one's really short. I promise, next one is a bit longer but the one after that will make up for it.

* * *

"Strip club or bikini bar?" Kensi asked later that night when the op was finally over and she had Callen safe at home. She'd had a hard time pushing the thought of what could've happened to him and Sam when the op had gone wrong. She gave herself a mental shake as the picture of Callen and Sam outnumbered tried to push its way to the front of her thoughts.

"Neither," Callen said.

Kensi lifted her head from where it rested on his bare chest. "Neither? Really?"

Callen unexpectedly (and expertly) flipped her so she was lying under him on the bed. "Neither," he repeated. "You."

"If you could have all three?" Kensi asked, somehow with a straight face. At least until she saw the look on his face and laughed out loud. She rarely shocked Callen like that.

"Just you. Don't like to share. What about you?"

"Strip Club or Bikini bar?" Kensi said to confirm his question.

"Any preference?" Callen asked.

"Depends. Are the guys in uniform or not?"

Callen chuckled. "At some point out."

His hands wandered and she lost her train of thought until he stopped at a certain point her body was craving him to touch. She opened her eyes and saw he was waiting for her answer.

"You," she repeated his answer, "especially out of uniform."

"Guess we're exactly where we want to be."

"Not quite." Kensi shifted just enough and smiled at him. "Now you're exactly where I want you to be."

Callen lowered his head and kissed her, though the conversation didn't end there. It just continued in a very effective non-vocal (at least in terms of words) way.


	44. Personal

* * *

 

"It's starting to feel like Grand Central Station," Deeks remarked when Callen and Kensi walked into his hospital room. "First Sam then Hetty and both ate my Jello."

Kensi felt guilty since she'd also done the same thing. "How about I see if I can find you some more?"

"You'd do that for little 'ole me?" Deeks asked.

Kensi held back a smile. "Maybe I just want some more." She turned and walked away.

"Make sure you bring me back one as well!" Deeks called out to her now disappeared back. He turned to look at Callen. "You think she'll actually bring me some?"

"I think you've got a pretty good chance," Callen said.

"So what brings you here?"

"Wanted to thank you for saving Kensi."

"Not a problem. Just looking out for my partner."

"You do it well."

Deeks stared at Callen. Callen stared back.

"Come on Callen," Deeks finally said. "Spill it. Why do you worry so much? Haven't I proved I've got her back?"

Callen nodded. "More than enough."

"So?" Deeks frowned. "This have something to do with that complicated story?"

"Yeah."

"I'm a captive audience." Deeks lifted his arm that was attached to the drip to reinforce his point.

Callen leaned back against the door frame. As much as he knew they had taken down the guys who had done this to Deeks to try and get to Kensi, there was still a small part of him that was on high alert just in case. Standing by the door gave him a sense of awareness of what was going on outside the room even as he concentrated on what he was going to tell Deeks. It also allowed him to see when Kensi was coming back sooner.

"Kensi and I both lost someone we loved. It's been a long road for both of us to get where we are. To be willing to try again. Me more than her."

"I'm sorry."

"Kensi's fiance, the second one, died just weeks before their wedding."

"Second one?"

It wasn't that surprising that Deeks didn't know about James. Callen didn't think Kensi would mind too much him sharing after all that had happened today.

"There was another one after Jack." Callen shook his head. "Don't take offense Deeks. It's taken her a while to open up to me about them both."

"None taken. What about you?"

"Fiancee. Murdered."

"Oh shit."

"Shot outside our home."

"Why?"

"To get to me."

Deeks remained silent this time.

"Deeks I trust you with Kensi but after Alex, there's always going to be this part of me that wants to be the one to keep her safe. It's not that you aren't good enough. It's just..."

"You're scared it will happen again and would feel more in control if you were the one with her."

Callen had to give Deeks credit. He could be incredibly insightful and serious when the mood struck.

"Yeah."

"What was she like? This Alex," Deeks asked.

"A cop. LAPD."

"Really? Maybe I knew her."

"She died eight years ago. Alex Baltimore."

Deeks stared at him. Callen could almost see the wheels turning. "Detective right?"

"You knew her?"

"By rep mostly, only worked with her once. It was still early days for me but there was this one case they pulled in all us juniors for more manpower. A kid." Deeks shook his head. The expression on his face enough to convince Callen he knew exactly which case. The one that had led to him and Alex taking that final step, when he'd found her crying over War and Peace with tears that had nothing to do with what was in the book.

"Rebecca Stanmore." Callen said quietly. Deeks nodded. "I remember," Callen added.

"I'd hoped to work with her again one day." Deeks grinned. "I was kind of terrified at first. She had this rep for being scary. It wasn't until that case that I found out the truth. She wasn't scary unless you were the bad guys or you were messing around on the case."

Callen fought back a grin. "Did you mess around?" he asked

The look on Deeks' face gave Callen the answer before the man himself said anything.

"Nope. But I did manage to drop a file at her feet that I was bringing her. Terrified she'd rake me over the coals for."

"Bet she didn't."

Deeks shook his head. "Helped me pick it up, asked my name and thanked me for it." Deeks smiled. "That was the only interaction I had directly with her though plenty of observation during the case. I remember though hearing about her death. There was a lot of celebrating when her murderer was ... caught."

"Yeah." Callen felt the lingering pain stirring and moved the conversation on. "So, Deeks, why do you still flirt with Kenz? You know she's taken."

Deeks chuckled and then grimaced in pain. "She bites back. It's fun. There's nothing to it though." Callen saw a look of worry cross Deeks' face. "You know there's nothing to it right? I'm not trying to make a move on your girl."

"I know," Callen assured him. "You're not stupid. You'd have to know that if you tried one, she wouldn't take it. Two, you'd have to answer to me and three, you'd then have to answer to Sam."

"Not including Hetty in that list?" Deeks asked.

"Not sure there'd be anything left for her."

Deeks' eyes widened at that and nodded. "Nothing going on. I swear on my Beretta."

"The only thing going on will be you being her partner and watching her back." Callen knew that being a partner didn't just mean working day to day with someone. It was a special relationship in this line of work where you put your life in someone else's hands sometimes multiples times a day. There was an incredible amount of trust and a unique bond that formed when partners truly trusted one another.

"Yep, I'll leave her front to you."

"What about my front?" Kensi said as she walked into the room, three Jello cups in hand. She tossed one to Callen before handing him a spoon and then moved towards Deeks' bed.

Deeks held his hand out for it but she kept it high. "My front?" she repeated.

"Callen gets to watch your front. I get to watch your butt, I mean back."

Deeks winked at Callen, who chuckled and peeled open his jello.

Kensi rolled her eyes and handed him his before starting on hers.

"You two have a good chat?"

"Yep," Deek said around a mouthful of Jello.

Kensi looked at Callen. He nodded and said, "Just discussing mutual history."

"And my continued survival," Deeks added.


	45. Enemy within

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the Deeks/Callen chat last time. A nice long one this time. Love to know what you think at the end.

* * *

Kensi walked over to her door and checked the peephole. She smiled and opened it.

"What are-" Her eyes went wide. "What's going on?" Callen was standing at her door, dressed in a formal suit complete with tie. He held a rather large box in his hand and had a smile on his face that she wasn't sure boded well for her. She knew that smile well enough that it could go either way.

Callen held the box out to her. "You have fifteen minutes to get ready. We've got dinner plans."

Kensi studied him. "Fancy dinner plans?"

"Fancy and no chasing bad guys or anyone shooting at us. I promise."

"You promise? That's a really big promise."

"I can 99.9% guarantee it."

Kensi stared at him. Callen shifted the box a little closer to her. "Open it Kenz. Maybe it'll help change your mind."

Kensi reached forward and carefully lifted the lid. Inside was a gorgeous emerald green dress. She lifted it out and the silky material slithered right down showing her a soft flowing ankle length gown, fitted bodice with thin spaghetti straps.

"It's beautiful."

"It'll look even better on especially with the matching shoes," Callen replied. Kensi looked back in the box and sure enough under a layer of tissue paper were a delicate pair of shoes in the exact same shade.

"Thirteen minutes Kenz. You in or do I take it back?"

Kensi looked up at him. "Thirteen?"

"Taken you two already."

"And we're on a schedule?"

"Most definitely."

Kensi grabbed the box. "Be back here in ten," she said as she turned and closed the door in his face.

"Hey!" Callen protested, his voice loud enough for her to hear through the door. "Aren't you going to let me in?"

Kensi opened the door a fraction and smiled one of her special smiles. She let her eyes obviously wander over his body then winked at him. "I let you in, we're going to be late." She closed it again.

Callen shook his head and was about to lean against the door frame to wait when he remembered he was in Hetty's suit and thought better of it. Instead, he headed back to his car and sat to patiently wait out the ten minutes, though he was sure she would need more.

Before the ten minutes were up Kensi was back and knocking on the car window.

"You ready yet?" she asked cheekily. Callen got out of the car and looked her up and down. The dress fitted perfectly, as he'd known it would. Nothing Hetty ever dressed them in was less than perfect.

"That was quick."

"You've got me intrigued."

"Is that all it takes to have you get ready quickly?"

Kensi glared, though there was a sparkle in her eyes.

Callen smiled back and took her in his arms. "You look gorgeous." Callen tilted her head back and placed a few lingering kisses on her neck, avoiding the lipstick and makeup she'd so carefully, and quickly, applied. His eyes drifted to the necklace he'd given her that was nestled just perfectly at the top of the neckline of the dress. "It's perfect," he added, his finger gently touched it.

Callen released her and took her hand. He walked her around to the passengers side of the car and helped her in.

"Where are we going that you can promise me no one's going to shoot at us?"

"You'll see."

* * *

 

_ A little later. _

"You're bringing me to work?" Kensi asked as Callen pulled the car to a stop.

"Trust me," Callen said with a knowing smile. "This isn't work tonight, but it is definitely safe." He got out of the car and made his way around to open her door for her.

"Lead on," Kensi said as she put her hand in his and he pulled her up.

With her hand still in his, Callen walked to the door and pushed it open. They continued down the hall-like entrance and both of them looked around stunned at the transformation. By some miracle, that they both knew was little and went by the name of Hetty, the open plan area that was their office no longer resembled an office. There were thousands, and Callen was sure that wasn't an exaggeration, of fairy lights around the railings and dividers and a table set for eight. Exquisite flowers and china and glasses fitted the atmosphere that had been created.

"Wow." Kensi stared. "How did you ...?"

"Welcome Miss Blye. Mr Callen." Callen and Kensi spun around at the sound of Hetty's voice from behind them.

"You've outdone yourself Hetty," Callen said.

Hetty smiled. "I am pleased you approve."

"Hetty, what's this all about?" Kensi asked. Callen watched her look around again.

"A chance to dress up with no one shooting at you. I thought it would be nice to make your wish happen."

"Like a fairy godmother," Deeks commented as he, Sam and Michelle, Eric and Nell joined them, all dressed up too.

"Shall we?" Hetty motioned to the table just as food trolleys, fancy and silver of course, were wheeled out and a delicious aroma filled the air.

Callen held his arm out to Kensi and she took it with a cheeky smile and slight curtsy.

* * *

 

"That was wonderful Hetty," Kensi said when she put down her spoon after dessert was finished. It was some delightful concoction of chocolate, berries and lemon that had tasted devine.

"Agreed," came a murmur from around the table.

"Thank you." Hetty smiled. "It has been a very pleasant evening so far. Now, for the next part."

Callen watched Hetty stand and move to her desk. The next thing soft music filled the space and she turned to them all. "Gentlemen, it's time to dance."

Callen stood and held his hand out to Kensi. Sam did the same for Michelle. Eric and Nell looked at each other and shrugged before standing together.

"Ah," Deeks said and Callen chuckled.

"What the hell," Deeks said with a grin, "Hetty, would you like to dance with me?"

"I'd be delighted Mr Deeks."

Callen guided Kensi to the space that Hetty had obviously designated as a dance floor and pulled Kensi into his arms. The first song was slow and gentle, the next a little faster. Hetty had obviously programmed a selection of music for the night's activities.

"So, enjoying your night off so far?" Callen asked Kensi when she returned to his arms after having danced with both Sam and Deeks. Eric seemed to be content to dance with Nell.

Kensi smiled. "It's perfect."

"Not quite. But almost," Callen said softly.

"Of course it is. I'm dressed up, you're dressed up. No one shooting at us. What else do we need?"

Callen stopped moving.

"Kensi," he said. He cleared his throat. "I … "

"Callen, what's wrong?"

Callen shook his head. "Nothing's wrong." His hand went to her hair and gently ran his fingers through the part she'd left free. "Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?"

"It's the dress."

"No it's not. It's you, not what you're wearing or what you look like, though there's no denying you are in those respects." Callen smiled. "Kenz, what you've done, how patient you've been with me and everything that has come with that. Your acceptance of Alex. I'm not an easy man to love."

"You're are. You're just not an easy one to accept it."

"It took me a while. Sorry you had to work so hard to get me to."

Kensi smiled. "You're worth it."

"Kenz," Callen smiled. He lifted his hand and opened it. "Will you marry me?"

Kensi's mouth dropped open and he heard her breath hitch.

"Kenz?" Callen prompted, his heart pounded in his chest. The pause seemed so long and a little flicker of doubt started to form.

Kensi looked up at him from the ring. "Yes. Sorry. Yes I will."

Callen let out the breath he'd been holding and slipped the simple gold band with an emerald cut diamond onto her finger. He then pulled her in for a kiss.

"I love you Kenz."

"I love you too."

"So?"

Callen heard Sam's voice and smiled.

"She said yes Sam."

Callen cupped Kensi's cheeks and stared into her eyes.

"Kenz," he paused, "Will you marry me now?"

Kensi's eyes went wide and he saw the confusion on her face.

"Now as in now now?"

"Right here, right now." Callen confirmed.

"But weddings take time to prep…" Kensi cupped his face and stared into his eyes. After a few moments she said, "You're scared."

Callen nodded.

Kensi's thumb rubbed gently across his cheek. "You're afraid if we wait something will happen. Like with Alex."

"Yeah. I know it's silly. I know it's not-" Kensi put a finger on his lips and stopped him.

"Not silly," Kensi said. "You've worked through so much and I know there are some things that are going to be harder than others."

"I'm not asking you to give up the wedding of your dreams Kenz. We can do that too. I just want to marry you as soon as I can."

Kensi leaned forward and brushed her lips over his.

"Yes."

Callen sighed in relief. "Hetty," he raised his voice. "She said yes." Callen smiled. "Thank you," he said softly to Kensi.

"Very well," Hetty said as she stepped into their line of vision and pulled their gazes from each other. "Now Miss Blye, you have a choice to make."

"Another one?" Kensi said.

"Would you like this to be a wedding or simply the official details?"

"Hetty, how could we do a wedding right now? The official stuff is fine."

"We can have a wedding if that's what you choose. We have the guests." Hetty indicated around them. "Unless of course some of these unruly misfits wouldn't be welcome."

"Of course they would," Kensi replied quickly. She glanced at Deeks and shrugged. "As long as they behave themselves." She turned back to Hetty. "But how-"

Hetty held up a hand and Kensi stopped talking.

"Would you like this to be a wedding Miss Blye? A simple yes or no will suffice."

Callen watched Kensi look around. Her eyes ended up on him and she tilted her head. "What do you think?"

"I'm up for it. Doesn't mean you can't plan another one for later."

Kensi kept her eyes on Callen. "Alright Hetty. Work your magic and let's make this a wedding."

Hetty's loud claps made them all jump.

"Miss Blye, Nell, upstairs. Michelle, if you wouldn't mind supervising the gentlemen for me," Hetty pulled out a list and handed it to Michelle. "Your instructions. You have thirty minutes."

Hetty turned and headed for the stairs. Nell followed. Hetty glanced back. "Chop chop Miss Blye."

Kensi let go of Callen's hand and stepped away but turned back before she'd taken more than two steps.

"What about…"

Callen smiled and glanced toward the upstairs balcony. "Already here," he said for her ears only.

Kensi glanced up and saw what Callen did. Alex, Lily and James looking down at them smiling.

"Of course they are," Kensi said softly. Callen reached out and pulled her back for a quick kiss.

"As if they'd miss this," he told her. "Go, before Hetty physically drags you away."

* * *

 

Kensi closed the door behind her and turned around. "Oh." She stared the dresses surrounding her. "When did you do this Hetty?"

"It's been a work in progress for a while, just in case."

"You knew about this?"

"Mr Callen asked me to figure out how we would keep you safe if you two went down this route with your relationship. I looked on the bright side and made sure I was prepared. Which would you like to wear tonight?"

Kensi wandered over and looked at one of the dresses. White, off the shoulder, floor length skirt with a definite something under to make it sit out, and a bead encrusted bodice. It was beautiful and so detailed but she couldn't see herself in it.

The next one was more her style, white with one inch satin shoulder straps, floor length but no stiffened skirts underneath making it sit out. It wasn't as detailed but there was still beading on it, delicate little love heart crystals followed the square neckline of the dress.

Kensi turned and looked at the third dress Hetty had chosen and fell in love. It was a light cream colour, strapless and fitted to mid thigh before it flared out to ankle length. Just a light smattering of matching colour crystals covered the entire dress. Enough to give it a shimmer but not take over the dress.

"This one," Kensi said.

"I thought so, but wanted to give you a selection to choose from."

"They're all beautiful Hetty but this one…" Kensi's fingers drifted over it.

"This one is you," Hetty finished for her. "Miss Jones, for you." Kensi turned to see Hetty hand Nell a dress that seemed to be a similar style but in a deep blue.

"Now Miss Blye, sit." Hetty pointed to a seat in front of a mirror seat up with makeup lights. "Let's get you ready for your anxious groom."

* * *

 

When Hetty had finished Kensi's hair and make up, along with Nell's, and had gotten changed herself Kensi turned to her and Nell.

"Would you mind if I have a moment alone?"

"Are you okay Kensi?" Nell shifted a little closer, concern in her eyes.

Kensi smiled. "I'm fine. Just a little overwhelmed and need a moment." It was a tiny lie but certainly believable considering the circumstances.

"Very well Miss Blye. Come Miss Jones. Let's go check on the progress downstairs. Make sure they are behaving themselves."

Nell and Hetty walked toward the door.

"I'm sure Michelle will be keeping them in line." Nell's words made it to Kensi's ears just before the door closed.

"Kensi." The soft voice behind her made Kensi turn around, a smile already on her face.

"Are you okay Kensi? You're not going to change your mind are you?" There was concern on Lily's face.

Kensi shook her head and sat down on the seat so she was closer to Lily's height. The little girl moved moved closer.

"No Lily. Most definitely not going to change my mind. I was hoping to see you."

Lily looked confused. "You were?"

Kensi nodded. "You are just the angel I was looking for. There's something missing for tonight."

"But Hetty wouldn't have forgotten anything."

"True," Kensi agreed. "But Hetty doesn't know about you. I'm missing a flower girl. Would you like to be it?"

Lily's eyes lit up and she bounced on her toes. "Oh yes please."

"Do you need to check with your mom?"

"No." Lily shook her head. "She'll be fine with it. But Kensi," a little frown formed on her forehead, "No one will see me. They won't know you have one."

Kensi's heart melted at the concern of such a little girl for someone else. "The important people will," Kensi told her and pulled her closer for a quick hug.

"You and Daddy."

"Yes."

"Okay."

Kensi looked at Lily's dress. It was blue, not as dark as Nell's would be but it was perfect for the little girl who wore it.

"But what about the flower petals?" Lily asked. "Won't it look funny if they just show up?"

Kensi hadn't thought of that. "I don't actually have any but maybe your mom might be able to sort something out that your dad and I can see even if everyone else can't."

Lily's smile lit up and she spun around, the skirt of her dress flaring out as she did. "Of course she can. Why didn't I think of that."

Kensi stood up at the knock on the door. "Miss Blye," Hetty's voice drifted through the door. "Everything is ready when you are."

"We ready?" Kensi whispered and looked down at Lily.

Lily held up a basket of flower petals - beautiful mix of pink, red and white. "Yep," she whispered back conspiratorially. Kensi smiled and took her hand.

"Coming Hetty," Kensi called out.

Deeks waited outside the door with Hetty and Nell a little further down the hallway. Kensi watched Lily skip away and slip past the two women before she turned and gave Kensi a thumbs up.

Deeks held out his arm and Kensi put hers in it, the butterflies in her stomach started to dance.

"You know I'm not giving you away permanently," Deeks said as they stood at the top of the stairs. "I expect to have you back come Monday."

Hetty turned from two steps down. "Not Monday Mr Deeks. There's such a thing as a honeymoon. You can have her back in two weeks."

"Fair enough," Deeks agreed.

Hetty descended the stairs and took her place in the one row of seats for 'guests'. The music started and Lily looked back at her. Kensi smiled and gave a small nodded and her favourite little angel headed down the stairs. Lily only started dropping petals when she was at the bottom. Kensi saw Callen's eyes on Lily and smiled. Callen winked at Lily and Kensi was sure that she saw a little extra bounce come into Lily's step. Callen looked up at her and mouthed the words Thank you. You're welcome, Kensi mouthed back.

* * *

 

"Dearly beloved," Eric started in a formal voice, "We are gathered here today." Eric paused as he tugged at his tie.

Neither Kensi or Callen could ever remember seeing Eric in a formal suit.

"To celebrate Callen and Kensi and witness their marriage." Eric turned to Hetty. "Can't I wing it? It's so formal. I'm sure I-"

"Mr Beale, follow the script please."

"Fine if I must," Eric reluctantly agreed after Callen noticed a small shudder most likely brought on by Hetty's stern look. "Moving along then." There was another tug at the tie. Callen noticed Kensi caught her lip. He smiled and she gave up and smiled too. They may not have seen Eric in a suit like this but anytime Hetty managed to get Eric in a tie it was always entertaining.

"Do you Kensi take Callen to be your husband, to have and to." Eric tugged at his tie again, this time managing to loosen it enough that Callen noticed a slight look of relief on his face.

"Oh for pity's sake," Hetty stood up and came to Eric. With quick and efficient hands she pulled the tie off and returned to her seat. "Carry on Mr Beale."

"Where was I?"

Kensi laughed quietly, a sparkle in her eye that told him she was most definitely enjoying herself. So was he. It wasn't quite going the way he'd thought it would but it was fun.

"Just start again Eric," Callen told him.

"Do you Kensi, take Callen to be your husband, to have and to hold, for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness," A cheeky smile formed on Eric's face, "health and bullet wounds," There was snicker from behind and Callen as certain it was from Deeks. Just as sure as he was that Hetty was behind the huff that sounded something like a giving up sound.

"To love," Eric continued a touch more seriously, "honor and o-" Eric's eyes went to Kensi. Callen saw her eyebrows raise and the look she gave Eric who cleared his throat and smiled. "To kick arse beside him,"

"Mr Beale!"

Callen only narrowly managed not to laugh. Unlike Sam and Deeks.

"Keep going Eric," Kensi said, laughter clear in her voice. "I'm good with that."

"For as long as you both live?"

"With this ring I do, most definitely." Kensi slipped his ring onto his finger.

"Do you Callen,"

Callen interrupted and took over, "take you Kensi to be my wife, to have and to hold for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness, health," Callen's lips twitched, "and bullet wounds. To love, honor and kick arse beside you, for as long as we live."

"You know you still have to say I do," Eric told Callen when he'd finished.

Callen lifted Kensi's hand and slid her ring on. "I definitely do too."

"By the power vested in me by… Hetty's magic, I now pronounce you husband and wife, or wife and husband whichever way you want it to be. You may now -"

Callen pulled Kensi into his arms and kissed her.

"Hey," Eric protested. "That's the one bit I really wanted to say."

Callen pulled back and smiled at Kensi.

"Go for Eric. I'm up for another one."

"Me too," Kensi whispered.

"You may now kiss the bride … again."

* * *

 

"How did you go shopping for the ring?" Kensi asked him while they were dancing slow. Everyone else around them dancing to the music which was much faster.

"Hetty. I told her what I was thinking and asked if she could get me some options. You like it right?" Callen lifted Kensi's left hand to his lips.

"I love it. It's perfect."

"You don't mind that it's simple?"

"Course not. Means I can wear it more often. It won't stand out and be noticed so much." Kensi lifted her eyes from the ring and looked at him. "Are you feeling better now this is done?"

Callen nodded. "Yeah. It feels good to know history won't repeat itself." He pulled her closer and brushed his lips over hers gently. "Thank you Kenz for agreeing to this."

Kensi repeated his light kiss. "You're very welcome."

He lowered his lips and kissed her properly. The movements to the dance stopped and the rest of the guests disappeared. Callen pulled back and smiled.

"Daddy."

Callen looked down and saw Lily looking up at him.

"Can I dance with you too?" she asked before he had a chance to say hello.

"Anytime," Callen replied. He turned from Kensi and stopped. How was he going to do this?

Alex's voice reached him. "Pick her up G. Dance with her and Kensi, I'll make sure no one notices."

Callen reached down and picked Lily up. She slipped her arms around his neck, her legs around his waist and when Callen pulled Kensi close, one arm switched from his neck to Kensi's. He loved that his little girl had been a part of this day. Loved that Kensi had wanted her too.

It took three songs before Lily was satisfied enough. She kissed him on the cheek and whispered "I love you Daddy," in his ear. Callen smiled and then watched as Lily looked at Kensi, a touch of nervousness on the face of his little angel before she repeated the kiss on Kensi's cheek.

"I love you Kensi," Lily said quietly before a little wiggle had Callen putting her down on the floor and the two of them watched her skip away happily. In what seemed like the blink of any eyes she was up on the balcony with Alex and James.

Kensi's hand went to the spot on her cheek and tears shined in her eyes.

"She quite good at leaving us speechless isn't she?" Callen pulled Kensi into his arms.

Kensi looked up at him. "She -"

Callen smiled. "She loves you. Why wouldn't she?"

"But she doesn't know me."

"Doesn't she?"

Kensi shook her head no but then the movement stopped. "Maybe. Probably. Oh, this a very weird family."

"Amazingly complicated." Callen looked up at where Lily was on the balcony. James was holding Lily and Alex was standing next to them. All three looking down at them with bright smiles that held more than a hint of satisfaction.

Kensi smiled up at them and asked softly, "Any chance those two might get together in whatever place they are?"

Callen turned his gaze back to Kensi and shook his head. "I'd like to think it was possible but no."

"Why not?"

"Alex told me once that what she was when she died was what she would always be."

"Yet she still pushed you to me."

Callen put a hand on Kensi's chin and shifted her gaze to him. "Kenz, you are the one who made me fall in love with you. Not Alex. She never actually pushed me to you. She pushed me to love again. And once she knew I did love you." He smiled with a slight shake to his head, "She made sure I didn't screw it up. Well, she helped me fix it when I did."

"One day I'll figure out how to thank her."

"No need Kensi," came Alex's voice softly to their ears. "Loving him, being patient with him, not giving up on him. " Kensi and Callen both looked toward the balcony, this time it was only Alex with Lily in her arms. "There's nothing we want more than that," Alex added. Lily dropped her head onto Alex's shoulder's and both of them smiled at Callen and Kensi. "Enjoy the rest of your night G. Kensi you look beautiful, just perfect. Thank you for including Lily. Enjoy yourself too." Then Alex turned and walked away. Lily waved over Alex's shoulder and then rested her head back down. Callen couldn't help but wonder if angels do get tired after all.

Kensi looked back at Callen. He could see the wheels turning in her eyes. He waited patiently.

"I know what I can do," Kensi finally whispered. "To thank her."

"You heard her." Callen shook his head. "She doesn't want anything."

"I know," Kensi agreed with a nod. "But I need to do something. I  _ want  _ to do something for her."

Callen gently caught the couple of tears that slipped from Kensi's eyes. "What?"

"I know I promised when everyone knew I'd call you G." Kensi shook her head. "I'm sorry. I can't keep that one."

Callen frowned. It had been a long time ago that they'd had that conversation. He'd forgotten about it. "Why not?"

"Because that's what she calls you. And because I can at least leave that as her's. I've taken so much from her."

"Not taken Kenz." Callen shook his head. "No. You've not taken anything from her."

Kensi shrugged. "Okay but sometimes, sometimes it feels like I have everything she wanted. Anyway, I still want to do this for her. When we know what the G stands for, I'll call you that."

"And if I don't like what it stands for?"

Kensi smiled. "We'll figure something out."

Callen studied Kensi for a moment. Then he nodded. "Okay. But don't blame me if she tries to change your mind."

Kensi smiled. "She won't."

* * *

 

_ A little bit later _

"Mr Callen, Mrs Callen."

Callen couldn't help the smile that spread over his face when Hetty interrupted the two of them dancing. A matching smile spread on Kensi's face.

"Yes Hetty?" Callen turned to face her. Hetty had an envelope and set of keys in her hands. She held them out to Callen and one of his arms dropped from Kensi's waist to take them.

"I believe you will recognise the hotel name. You have a room under the alias we mentioned and a," Hetty smiled, "bonus of a private booking for the rooftop pool if you wish to take advantage of it."

Callen raised his eyebrows and pulled the piece of paper out of the envelope. Kensi read the name of the hotel out loud and then looked at him, a mischievous smile settling on her lips.

"Oh we'll definitely take advantage of that," Kensi said.

"The car is out front when you're ready to leave. Your luggage is already in the trunk as well as the documentation for your aliases for the next two weeks."

"Hetty," Callen leaned down and gave her a hug. "Thank you for everything."

"You're very welcome. I'm delighted that you made it to this point."

Kensi hugged Hetty too and then slipped her hand into his. "Let's go," she whispered. There was a fast dance going at that point and the rest of the team were distracted.

Callen pulled her into his arms for a kiss. "What's got you so eager to leave a party?"

Kensi gave him a smile she reserved just for him.

"You, me and private pool. Not to mention you, me and a hotel room. Do I need anything more?"

Callen held up the keys. "You want to drive?"

Kensi smiled. "Not this time. I've got other things I want to do."

Hetty held up her hands and covered her ears. "I did not hear that." She turned and walked away but not before Callen caught the twinkle in Hetty's eye.

Callen tightened his hold on Kensi. "Is it safe for me to drive?"

"I promise," Kensi brushed her lips across his, "I won't distract you … too much.

__

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed and it was worth the wait.


	46. The Job

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little one this time but hope you like it.

* * *

 

 

Callen slipped through Kensi's front door and secured the lock quietly. He noted Deeks on the couch snoring and the remains of their respective dinners on the coffee table. Silently he made his way to Kensi's bedroom.

They'd discussed her moving in with him after they'd made it official but they were still working through the logistics with Hetty to keep her safe. For now things were staying as they had been, though Callen was finding her staying at his house more often these days. Buying a bed had definitely been a wise, and enjoyable, decision for both of them.

Callen eased into bed beside Kensi with the hope he wouldn't disturb her.

"Hey," she said quietly. "How was dinner?"

"More solid than yours. Go back to sleep."

Kensi shifted and put her head on his shoulder, hand on his chest. "Didn't think you'd be here tonight," she murmured.

"Bad day, too many times I came close to losing you. Needed to be here." Callen's hand moved to cover the one of hers that was on his chest.

"So why go out with Sam instead of home with me?"

Callen heard the note of disappointment in her voice and let the little thrill that she wanted him to be the one to take her home warm his heart.

"You're still building this thing with Deeks," he told her.

"Don't say thing," Kensi protested, voice soft and full of sleep.

Callen tried not to smile but it was hard. At least it was dark so she wouldn't see it. "Your partnership then," he corrected. "He was worried about you today."

"And you weren't?"

"Of course I was but I know what you are capable of more than Deeks does."

Callen tugged her a little closer with the arm that was around her back, though since she was already in his arms there wasn't much room of a change but he still felt it. "Go back to sleep," he whispered into her hair. "I just need to know you're okay."

"Night," she murmured. Callen felt her body soften in sleep within a few minutes.

The next morning Callen was up before either Deeks or Kensi. The smell of the coffee he was brewing was apparently enough to rouse Deeks.

Callen looked over at the couch when he heard a groan of discomfort. He poured a cup of coffee.

"You know the bed in the spare room is more comfortable than the couch." Callen handed Deeks the coffee once he was in a seated position. Deeks nodded his thanks.

"How would you know that?" Deeks asked. "Spent a bit of time there have you?" The detective grinned, one that suggested Callen frequently got on the wrong side of Kensi.

Callen stared at Deeks until he squirmed and held up his injured hand. "You wouldn't hurt a injured man would you?"

"Kensi looked after me after I was shot for a while," Callen told him. "I stayed in there then, before," he emphasised, "we got together."

Callen looked Deeks over. "If you don't want to get on Hetty's bad side by wearing the same thing to work as yesterday, when you weren't on an undercover mission overnight, you'd better get moving."

Deeks made a move to stand and winced when he put his hand on the couch to push himself up. Thankfully he'd already put down the coffee.

"Next time, I think I'll let you defend her honor," Deeks mumbled.

"Anytime," Callen replied.


	47. Rocket Man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short and sweet - not an easy episode to grab something from.

* * *

 

 

"I never want to see Eric in the field again," Kensi said as she flopped down on the couch. "I don't know what we'd do without him in Ops."

Callen put the pizza and beer on the coffee table, sat down next to her and nudged off his shoes. "Hell of a first day in the field for him." He opened a bottle of beer and handed it to Kensi.

"Hell of a day in the field for any agent." Kensi looked at him. "Someone tried to kill him."

"Tried being the operative word."

Kensi sighed. "If you and Sam…"

"We were there, that's all that matters."

They both reached for the pizza box at the same time. A brush of hands, a look in the eye and the heat flickered. Kensi smiled when Callen's stomach rumbled. She lifted the lid and let him grab the first slice, which he then handed to her before getting his own.

"Think he'll sleep tonight?" Kensi asked before she took a bite, the gooey melted cheese and meat flavours combined in her mouth and she closed her eyes and savoured it. She was starving too, having somehow managed to skip lunch.

"Maybe. I suspect Nell will be distracting him."

Kensi coughed and spluttered. "Nell?" she choked out.

Callen looked at Kensi in surprise. "No! I wasn't meaning that. Some geeky movie or computer game marathon. Nell and Eric? No," Callen shook his head.

Kensi raised an eyebrow. "What's wrong with the idea of Nell and Eric?"

"They're just kids."

Kensi stifled a laugh. "Callen they're not kids. I mean I don't think they're together but even if they are they're responsible adults, attractive and find each other's company enjoyable." Kensi shrugged. "Who knows. Maybe they are."

"You find Eric attractive?"

"That's not what I meant!" Kensi's eyes narrowed when she caught the teasing look in Callen's eyes. "What about Nell? You find her attractive?"

Callen spat out half the beer he'd just taken a mouthful of. "No! I mean …" He put his beer down. "I mean maybe if you're into redheaded pixies but." Callen reached out his hand and tugged Kensi into his lap. "I am much more partial to dark hair and dark eyes with legs that go on forever." He brought her mouth down to his.

They broke apart and Kensi looked down into his eyes. "That was reasonably convincing but - "

Callen caught her mouth again and stood up with her in his arms. She squealed and wrapped her arms around his neck.

"Callen!"

"I don't do reasonable convincing," Callen said as he walked toward the bedroom, eyes locked on hers. "I prefer to be thoroughly convincing."

Kensi smiled. "Give it your best shot."

"I intend to."


	48. Plan B

* * *

 

 

"Come on, Kensi. You know Deeks. What you don't know is Max or any of his other aliases."

"You should've heard him, Callen. His tone, his words. I believed he'd use that girl to pay off the debt. It sent shivers up my spine."

Callen saw Kensi physically shiver as she spoke. He knew she had worked hard on developing the trust she had for Deeks even further and he didn't want to see this get in the way.

"You saw him at the boatshed with Nicole," Kensi said. "You even had your doubts on how much was real."

She was right. Callen had doubted Deeks, but he had his reasons. He saw himself in Deeks. At least he'd seen something in Deeks that he'd recognised from when he'd been Jason. A desire for the cover to be real. What was different was that he suspected Deeks had really wanted Nicole, where as he had wanted the illusion that Alex was still there with him.

"Yes I did," Callen agreed. "But Kensi." He pulled her over to the couch and they both sat as he continued to talk. "Long term undercover, it's different. You haven't done anything as long and deep as Deeks, Sam and I have. You can't be you. You have to be the alias. The most of you you can have is some lines you won't cross. Things there are no way you would do. That you are willing to blow the mission and break cover for."

Callen tucked some loose hair behind her ear before he continued. "Such as if Sam was about to be killed, that is one of mine. Beaten up, Sam can take that. You can't be you pretending to be someone else. You have to be that someone else. It's very different to what we do on a daily basis."

"But-"

"Kensi, do you trust me?"

"Of course."

"Do you know me?"

"Yes."

"Do you know everyone I've been?"

"No."

"Do you trust me when I have to be someone else?"

"Yes."

"Do you trust Deeks to have your back?"

"Yes."

There was a small hesitation there but that was to be expected. Kensi was doubting things right now and the partnership was still growing. At least she'd said yes. The doubts hadn't been able to get to the solid foundation they had already built together.

"Then trust him," Callen told her. "No matter who he's being. He'll have a line and I have a feeling that it will be similar to mine with Sam. If your life was in danger, he'd break cover and protect you over the mission. He'll have your back."

Callen smiled. To anyone else it would have just been a smile. To Kensi it showed that the words that followed weren't an idle threat.

"Plus if he doesn't, he'll have to answer to me and then Sam will get to deal with what's left."


	49. Familia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Imposters was just too difficult to pull anything Callen/Kensi related. It was filled with references to both of them being alone so I admit defeat and leave it as the second one that I couldn't do!  
> Enjoy.

* * *

 

 

Callen was waiting outside Kensi's apartment in his car. She was collecting a few things before they headed to the airport. Before they went to get Hetty back.

"G."

Callen turned his head. He'd expected her. He just hadn't been sure when she'd show up.

"Are you sure you know what you are doing?" Alex asked him.

"I'm going to get Hetty."

"Why?"

Callen frowned. "What do you mean why?" He raised his voice slightly. "They've got Hetty. She's in trouble." He may not know for sure that they had Hetty but his gut told him the trouble part loud and clear

"Yes. But there's more."

Callen hated that calm voice of hers. Alex had shattered his resolve more than once with it and he certainly didn't want anything like that happening now. He was going to get Hetty back and nothing was going to stop him.

"That's all there is to it," he said forcefully.

"Don't lie to me G. More importantly don't lie to yourself." Alex's tone was serious; firm and demanding, but still with that calmness.

Callen shook his head. "I'm not lying. Hetty needs me."

"Hetty went into this alone for a reason," Alex said.

"She's there because of me. She could die because of me." Even Callen could hear the distress in his voice. That's what her calmness did to him. Broke through his defences, got under his skin and made him feel things he didn't necessarily want to feel.

"She's trying to protect you," Alex said.

Callen slammed his hand into the steering wheel in frustration. "She should've told me about them."

"I agree. But she didn't and she had her reasons even if you don't understand them."

"Do you?" Callen asked.

"No. I don't know Hetty's reasons. But you need to know yours."

"Hetty."

"More."

"No."

"Yes."

"No," Callen yelled.

"Yes," she repeated, still calm. His walls broke.

Callen sighed and dropped his head to rest on the steering wheel. "Me." He felt her hand on his shoulder, took a deep breath and continued. "She knows more about me, about my past. Whoever these Comescu's are, they think they know me. What if they do? Maybe I can finally find out who I am." His voice dropped to a whisper and Callen looked over at her. "If I can stop them, maybe they won't take her from me too."

"Hetty?"

Callen shook his head. "Kensi." He stared out the windscreen.

"So tell me G," Alex asked softly, "why you really doing this? Who are you doing this for?"

"Hetty … Me … Kensi … my future." Callen looked back to her. "But mostly to get Hetty back."

Alex smiled. "Thank you. That's all I wanted to hear. That you know why you are doing this - all the reasons. That you aren't lying to yourself."

"Why did you push?"

"Devil's advocate," Alex replied. "Hetty's not here to do it, to make sure you know why you are doing something."

"Are you done?" There was a slight twitch to his lips and Callen fought the smile. "Because I much prefer you as my angel and on my side."

Alex smiled. "I promise G, I'm always your angel and I'm always on your side."

At that moment Kensi opened the car door and slipped into the seat that Alex had just occupied a moment ago. She had a small carry-on bag with her. "Ready."

Callen started the car and was about to drive off. He turned to face Kensi.

"Kenz, you don't have to come with me. It's dangerous."

"I'm not coming with you. I'm going for Hetty."

Callen smiled. "Not coming for me at all?" he asked.

Kensi smiled back. She held up two fingers close together. "Maybe just a little."

Callen pulled away from the curb. Two more stops and they would be on their way to the airport. He just hoped Hetty wouldn't do anything stupid before they could get there.


	50. Lange, H

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy these additional bits for that episode that bring this story in with it.  
> Note: Bolded first two lines are quotes from the show episode.  
> Enjoy.

* * *

" ** _We have a plan?" Kensi asked, disbelief clear in her tone_ **

" ** _Yeah," Callen said. "Kill them all."_ **

"G."

Callen turned. Alex was standing a few feet away from him. He was on a beach. Their beach.

"What the hell?" Callen spun around on the spot and tried to figure out what was going on.

"G please," Alex begged. "Just take a minute."

Callen spun in the direction of her voice. "What have you done?" He could hear the furious tone to his voice. "I need to -" He stopped. There were tears falling from her eyes. The fury left him and Callen briefly wondered if he was dead, though he couldn't remember how that would've happened. "What's wrong?" He took a step toward Alex.

"I need you to breathe and take a moment."

"That's not why you're crying."

Alex brushed the tears away. "Not important."

"Alex, what's going on?" Callen was struggling to understand what was happening. He needed to get to Hetty and he didn't think Alex was the kind of person to try and stop him even if, right now, all evidence pointed to something like that.

"I need you to think carefully about this plan of yours," Alex said.

His plan? He didn't have one yet. Well, aside from killing them. "I'm going to get Hetty back."

"Yes, but you have to think. Please. Breathe. Take a moment."

"I don't have time for this." The fury at what he was facing, though not at her, came back.

"You do," Alex said, a hint of desperation in her voice. "I've pulled you out of time. I don't know how long I can keep you here."

"Out of time?"

"No one will know but you." She gave him a small brief smile. "I'm getting better at this angel thing."

"What do you want me to do Alex? Leave her in there?"

"No G." Alex shook her head emphatically. "Never. I wouldn't expect anything less from you than what you are doing right now."

"Then let me do it," Callen begged. Time was running out. He felt it deep in his soul. Hetty was in trouble.

"I will," Alex promised. "But you can't go in now. There are too many of them. You go in now, you'll be walking into a death trap and none of you, let alone Hetty will come out alive." The tears started to fall from her eyes again.

"How many?" he asked.

"Over twenty."

"And we only have four." The odds weren't exactly in their favour.

"Six."

Callen was confused.

"You don't really think James and I are going to let you and Kensi go in without us do you?"

"Since when can you hold a weapon?"

Alex shook her head. "Can't help there, but we'll do whatever it takes to get you out of there alive."

"How?"

She smiled. "By giving you my best. My instincts and my eyes. But you'll need to trust yours. Don't fight them. That's where I'll be."

Callen stepped closer, took her head in his hands and looked deep into her tear filled eyes. "You know what you'll be doing right? You'll be helping me kill them."

"No," Alex whispered with a slight shake of her head. "I'll be keeping _you_ alive."

"I want to kill them all Alex," Callen admitted. "They have Hetty."

Alex didn't say anything, just looked at him and waited. He continued in an agonized whisper. "They killed my mother. I was there."

"I know," Alex replied. Her voice full of pain that most likely reflected what had been in his own just now, perhaps even explained her earlier tears.

"I saw the memory," Alex told him. "I can feel your pain, your hurt, your confusion. But I … I cannot comprehend what you are going through. That's why I'm not going to try and stop you doing what you feel you need to do." She took a breath. Callen waited, knowing her well too. She wasn't done.

"But I'll be damned," Alex continued, "if I'm going to stand back and let you die at their hands too."

They both breathed deep and slow, almost synchronised.

"Thank you," he whispered.

* * *

 

_Later:_

Callen walked past Kensi. He let his shoulder brush against hers to get her attention. When she looked at him he tilted his head in the direction he wanted her to go. When they were far enough away from Sam, Deeks and Dracul Comescu, he turned around and pulled her into his arms.

"I wish you weren't here," Callen told her quietly. "It's too dangerous."

"I wish you weren't either."

They stood for a moment before he added, "I'm glad you are."

"Wouldn't want to be anywhere else."

Callen took a slow deep breath. "She's family."

"Yes."

"We have to do this."

"Yes. But there's more to it isn't there? From on the beach."

Callen nodded.

"Will you tell me … later, when it's safe?"

Callen nodded again. Kensi brushed a light kiss across his cheek.

"Stay safe Kenz. Come out alive … Come back to me?"

"You too."

Callen looked her deep in the eyes. "Family's important."

Kensi nodded.

"She's the closest thing to a mother that I have, that I know," he quickly corrected. He had a mother, one he loved. He could feel that, he just couldn't remember her. Yet. "I love her," he admitted. He'd never told Hetty that. He wasn't even sure Hetty would accept it if he did. Hopefully he'd have a chance to change that.

"We'll get her back," Kensi promised.

"I'll hold you to that."

Kensi smiled. "You ready?"

Callen nodded. "As much as I can be."

"Let's go."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so I'd never been quite sure how the four of them managed to get into that house, even with narrowing down the numbers, and none of them got the slightest bit hurt. Or even a near miss, they just walked through and shot everyone down without even having to hide behind anything.  
> So I figure it fits that their guardian angels were helping them out and letting them know in some way what was coming. Works for me, hope it works for you too.


	51. When Lily Met Hetty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I can!  
> Enjoy.

* * *

 

 

"Hi Daddy."

Callen turned at the sweet voice coming from a few steps away from where he was sitting on the couch in the office. He was alone. Kensi and Deeks were up in Ops with Hunter and Sam was working out. Things were a little quiet at the moment, a reprieve all of them were grateful for.

"Hi."

Lily smiled and his heart ached - both sad and happy. Sad because this little girl of his had never made it to the real world but happy that whatever powers were out there were allowing him to see her grow. And she was growing. The little girl he first saw in Alex's arms a bit over two years ago was definitely bigger.

"Daddy," Lily said, "would you let me see Hetty?"

"Hetty?"

Lily nodded. "Yes. I'd like to meet her."

"Okay," Callen replied, a touch confused. "But I don't think I have any say in the matter." Not like he could control what his angels said or did, even if he wanted to, which admittedly didn't happen too often.

"Of course you do." Lily plopped down (in a bouncy kind of way) beside him.

"How?"

"If you don't want me to I won't."

"Why do you want to see her?"

Lily shrugged. "I ... she means a lot to you. I'd like to meet her."

Callen studied his angel daughter. Just like with her mother he somehow knew there was more.

Lily's mouth twitched. "It's true. I do want to meet her but I also want to talk to her. I want to her to come back."

"She's been injured Lily." Callen relaxed back against the couch. "She's not gone. She'll be back when she's fit."

"You don't believe that."

Callen smiled. No he didn't. There was something going on with Hetty he hadn't quite figured out. "I want to though."

"But you're worried that she won't and you need her."

"Yes we do need her."

"And you're worried," Lily pushed gently.

"A little," Callen admitted.

"Then will you let me talk to her?"

"You think you can help?"

"Will it hurt to try?"

"I guess not."

"So, can we go now?"

Callen chuckled. Three questions in a row. She was most definitely determined. This was the longest conversation he'd had with Lily. He didn't want it to end.

"Sure." Callen stood up, moved to his desk and grabbed his keys. Then he stopped. How exactly would this work? He turned to Lily. She was standing right next to him, an expectant look on her face.

Callen crouched down. "How exactly do we do this?"

Lily shrugged her little shoulders. "Up to you. I can come with you or meet you there."

"Perhaps you'd better come with me. Can't have you popping in unannounced."

"I wouldn't do that," Lily protested. "That would scare her."

Not so sure about that, Callen thought, given Hetty's innate ability to know things that she shouldn't.

Lily slipped her hand into his. "Let's go."

_Alex?_ Callen called in his mind.

_She's fine with you G. Relax. I already know._

_Of course you do. You want to join us?_

_I'll be there if the two of you need me otherwise this is just your time with her._

* * *

 

Callen pulled up at Hetty's house and looked into the back seat at Lily. He'd had a hard time with the idea of her in the car without a proper car seat but he'd managed to shake it off, most of it anyway. He couldn't bring himself to let her sit in the front. He didn't know why since it wasn't like anything could happen to her.

They walked up the pathway but before they got to the door he stopped and crouched down. He liked talking to her like this, at the same level - eye to eye, well almost.

"Lily. I -"

"It's okay Daddy, I won't just pop in. I'll wait for you to talk to her."

"Maybe come through the doorway this first time?"

Lily nodded. Callen straightened up and moved toward the door. Lily's hand slipped into his. He heard the doorbell echo through the house and slow footsteps followed not long after. The door opened and there was Hetty. Not fully recovered but looking much better than she'd been when they gotten her home from the hospital. He glanced briefly at his side. Lily was still there but, given Hetty's lack of reaction, obviously wasn't revealing herself yet.

"Mr Callen, what a surprise," Hetty said. "You were only here yesterday."

"May I come in Hetty?"

"This sounds serious." Hetty stepped back and let him through. She led the way to the sitting room. As Callen walked through the archway he felt Lily's hand slip out of his. Hetty gestured to him to take a seat and he sat.

Callen had no idea how to start this conversation. How exactly do you tell your boss that your daughter, your angel daughter that is, wants to meet her? He caught an apprehensive look flicker across Hetty's face from where she sat in the seat opposite him. That look told him what she thought this was all about.

"We need to talk about that Hetty but I'll give you a little more time."

She owed him a big explanation about what the hell the Comescu's had to do with him, but she was still recovering. It had only been three weeks since that night in Romania when she'd been shot. Hetty nodded in acknowledgment of the reprieve.

Callen still wasn't quite sure how to say what he was here about.

"The beginning is usually a good place to start," Hetty prompted.

Callen smiled. "It's a rather complicated beginning." The words themselves weren't complicated but the concept certainly was.

"Mr Callen, complicated is what we do."

"Okay. You remember Alex."

"I do."

"You know she was pregnant."

"Yes." There was most definitely a hint of sadness in Hetty's voice. "I would love to have met the combination of you and Alex."

"Her name is Lily."

Hetty looked confused. "A very pretty name," she said.

Callen nodded. "To match a very pretty girl."

"How-" Hetty broke off. "Please continue," she added after a brief pause.

"Do you believe in angels Hetty?" That was a question Callen didn't think he'd ever hear himself ask.

"The wonders of the afterlife are something that I do not usually consider."

"I do, believe I mean," Callen said.

"You are not one to believe in flights of fancy so I take it you have a good reason," Hetty said, her gaze studying him.

"Two, three, good reasons but I'm only here about one."

"Three?"

Callen could see the confusion still on Hetty's face. Might as well jump.

"Lily would like to meet you Hetty."

"Your daughter?" Hetty spoke slowly. Callen could see in her eyes that she was having trouble following. He couldn't blame her.

"Yes," Callen confirmed.

Hetty stared at him.

Callen held her gaze and waited.

Hetty finally spoke. "I would be delighted."

Callen's head turned toward the archway and he saw a little head poke around and look at him. He nodded and Lily walked in, though he doubted that Lily did anything sedate enough to truly be considered a walk. There was something about her that hinted at barely restrained energy. Hetty's gaze had followed his and Callen heard the faint gasp when Hetty obviously saw Lily. When she was standing next to Callen Lily turned to Hetty.

"Hi Hetty."

Hetty was speechless for a few moments. "Hello Lily."

Hetty looked back at Callen and he saw tears in her eyes. "She is very like you and her mother."

"Yes."

"Daddy," Lily said as she turned to face him. "Could you make Hetty some tea please?"

Callen looked at her and, even though he tried, he couldn't keep the grin off his face. "Are you kicking me out?" he asked

"Yes," Lily admitted happily.

"Hetty?"

"Tea would be lovely" Callen noticed her eyes were still on Lily. He couldn't blame her. He remembered the first time he'd seen her and how hard it had been to look away.

Callen stood up and left the two of the alone.

* * *

 

Lily looked at Hetty and slowly stepped over to stand in front of her.

"Are you feeling better?" Lily asked.

"Yes I am. Thank you." She looked so real. Hetty blinked, whether she wanted this vision in front of her to disappear with the action or not, she wasn't entirely sure.

"Hetty, are you going to go back to work?"

"I…"

"You see Daddy's worried about you," Lily hurried on.

"The doctors tell me my injuries are healing nicely." Hetty's eyes roamed over this little girl in front of her. Though she had denied thinking about anything afterlife related it wasn't entirely true. However those few she had previously encountered were nowhere near as real as this little girl. She wondered if she was actually dreaming because there were only three options - this was a dream, Lily really was an angel, or Callen was playing a very cruel trick on her. She believed she knew Callen well enough that option three was more impossible than option two. The dream was the most likely option - and the easiest to explain.

"It's not your body that he's worried about," Lily explained. "It's your heart. Though he doesn't really know it. He just knows he's worried you won't return."

"My heart?"

"Yes."

"Why would he be worried about my heart? It's perfectly healthy."

"Not that heart silly. Your loving one." Lily's tone was gentle, a smile on her face that resembled Callen's so much that Hetty's breath caught in her throat.

"Oh."

"So am I," Lily added. "You care about my Daddy don't you?"

"Yes."

"More than you think you should."

"Yes." It was a reluctant admission and to anyone else she probably wouldn't have done so, but there was something about this little girl that made Hetty feel that a lie would be pointless. It was an unexpected feeling and she had a small degree of sympathy as she knew this was how she made others feel at times.

"But that's not true," Lily said. "When you care about someone you can't care too much about them."

Lily sat down beside Hetty and took hold of her hand. Hetty's eyes widened in surprise that she could actually feel Lily's touch. The idea of this being a dream was fading fast.

"Hetty, can you please come back to work when you are all better?" There was worry in her little voice that Hetty heard clearly.

"Why do _you_ worry my dear?" Hetty asked as she placed her other hand on top of Lily's. Angel, most definitely an angel.

"My daddy needs you to watch over him. There's only so much Mummy and I can do."

"You mother?"

Lily nodded.

"Oh." Callen had said three reasons. That explained two of them.

"Hetty will you, please?" Lily pleaded gently just as Callen walked back into the door.

Callen chuckled at that tone from his daughter. He'd heard it many times from her mother. "Whatever she's asking just say yes. She won't leave until you do." Stubbornness was definitely an Alex trait, though to be perfectly honest it was one of his too.

Hetty looked at Callen. "Then perhaps I should say no and have her stay for a while."

"Oh, I can stay if you want," Lily said brightly. "You don't have to say no for that."

"Mr Callen," Hetty's eyes were back on Lily as she spoke. "In the cupboard above the sink you'll find some special cookies."

Callen stood up. For the second time that morning had the feeling that he was being kicked out.

"Lily," Hetty said when Callen had left. "I will always watch over your daddy, even if I'm not working with him. I always have."

"I know but it will be easier if you are there with him. You know him. You understand him."

"Not always."

Lily shrugged. "Better than almost anyone else."

"Not you and your mother." Hetty suspected they had a eye into Callen's soul that no one, even Kensi, had and she knew how well things were going there.

Lily gave a little shrug and nodded.

"Very well," Hetty agreed. "Once the doctor gives me the all clear I promise you I will return to my post and watch over him, even closer than I am now."

Lily gave her a big smile and then surprised Hetty with a hug. "Oh thank you Hetty."

Hetty managed to clear her throat quietly after the sudden tightness caused by those little arms around her. Her voice sounded almost normal when she spoke. "You're welcome my dear."

Callen walked in with the plate of cookies. "I take it you said yes," he remarked

Hetty smiled at Lily and then turned to Callen. "I did."

"We didn't stand a chance did we?" Callen commented before he took a bite of a very delicious cookie which just happened to be one of his favourites.

"Yes, I know," Hetty remarked with a look that suggested serious unless you saw the laughter in her eyes. "She's very much like her father."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lily really wanted me to help her meet Hetty. And how could I say no? Author's privilege! Hope you enjoyed.


	52. Backstopped

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the last of the episode based chapters and the final Chapter of Moving On. The final part of the series (Living) will be posted in a different story in this series and will be up shortly.  
> I just had to do this episode. It was appalling the interaction between Kensi and Callen when partnered up. There was just no way it was right and I had to find a way to correct it because seriously, they have to know each other better than was shown. Hope you enjoy.

* * *

 

Callen pulled out his phone, his other phone, from his pocket and composed a text.

_Don't trust this switch - what if she's listening in … to everything not just at the office? Make it awkward. And remember nothing about Kensi and I._

Callen sent it to the only five numbers programmed into the phone. Sam, Kensi, Deeks, Eric and Nell. He'd purchased them all new phones after they'd returned with Hetty. He hadn't put it past her to be monitoring their work phones. Even working with Hunter for the last few months there was something about her that kept him from trusting her. This switch did nothing to help build trust.

It hadn't been an easy working with Hunter in charge. The conversations in the office between the team had a sense of being scripted to make sure that they didn't give anything away to Hunter that they didn't want her to know. Their truly easy banter felt like a thing of the past and they all hated being careful what came out of their mouths in what should be a safe place, one of the few they all had. Even the teasing earlier with Deeks had been with the intent to make Hunter think she might have someone within the team on her side.

* * *

 

_After the explosion at the night club._

Callen waited where the waves came to an end and the sand was still dry. He felt Kensi's presense first before she'd even touched him. She stopped next to him, her shoulder just brushing his. Then he heard Sam and Deeks' voices, getting progressively louder.

Callen and Kensi turned around.

"You sure you are all good?" Callen's gaze rested on Kensi for a touch longer than Sam and Deeks. It was safe to talk. All their phones were back in their respective cars. A moment of freedom, well and truly needed after the day they'd had.

"Just a few scrapes," Kensi assured him. Sam and Deeks nodded.

"Well, that was an interesting day," Deeks said. "I wonder what she thought of us?"

"Let's hope it was enough to prove how bad this idea was," Callen said.

"Hey," Kensi protested slightly. "Was it really that bad being partnered with me?"

Callen smiled and pulled her close. "Look away boys," he said before he caught her mouth with his. He ignored Deeks' comments and the sound of Sam slapping Deeks on the back at the gagging sound Callen was sure came from Deeks. When they broke off the kiss, Callen continued to hold her close. "I've been wanting to do that all day."

"Me too," Kensi said quietly.

"So," Callen turned to Sam and Deeks. "What did you two do to make Hunter's day more interesting?"

"Let Deeks think he's the Alpha male. But only think."

"I'm sure she enjoyed our witty repartee," Deeks added. Sam shook his head but Callen noticed the smile his partner, the real one, was hiding.

"You?" Deeks asked.

"Apparently my driving gives Callen motion sickness," Kensi told them. Deeks tried to hide a laugh under a cough. Kensi rolled her eyes. "Along with a nice getting to know you conversation that failed miserably or perhaps," Kensi grinned at Callen, "it was successful." Because there was no way that after all the time they'd been working together, and she didn't include the personal relationship in that time, that they didn't know each other well enough to carry on a conversation about things other than work.

"And apparently you don't know what my favourite food is." Callen raised an eyebrow. "You do right?"

"Of course I do. But I don't think you want me telling you what it is in company do you?"

Deeks made a sound and Kensi smiled. With a wink at Callen she added, "But just so you know, I'll pick some on the way home and you can enjoy it later."

Callen turned back to Deeks and Sam, pulled his mind from later and sighed.

"Today did not go well," Callen said. "We should've been with our own partners. It's the way we work best. Damn if I can figure out why she did this. I won't let her do it again."

"Agreed," Sam said. "How do we convince her though?"

"I don't know yet," Callen replied. "But we'd better get back." Sam and Deeks turned to leave but Callen tugged Kensi back into his arms.

"One more for the road?"

Kensi smiled. "Enough to last until dinner?"

Callen grinned. "Dessert comes first tonight." His lips covered hers and this time there were no comments breaking through their enjoyment of their kiss.

* * *

 

_Later that night:_

Callen walked through his front door his mind, and emotions, still a mess after his conversation with Hetty.

"Where have you been?" There was concern in Kensi's voice. "I thought we were having des-" Kensi's words were cut off when Callen turned his head and looked at her.

"What's wrong?" Suddenly Kensi was there in front of him. "Callen?"

Callen felt a tear fall from one of his eyes. He was surprised it wasn't more. "Her name was Clara."

Kensi put her arms around him. She didn't seem to care that he was sweaty from the pounding he'd delivered to the punching bag. By the time his muscles were shaking in protest of his actions he'd just wanted to find Kensi. He didn't want to be alone anymore, so he'd skipped a shower and headed straight to his car.

"My mother's name was Clara," Callen whispered.

Callen felt his body start to shake, exhaustion and the emotional toll showing through. Kensi's arms tightened around him and he felt that little bit stronger because of it - because of her.

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do hope you've enjoyed this final chapter from the show and look forward to seeing you all over on Living shortly. The conclusion would definitely be considered AU and doesn't follow any more of the show.  
> Thanks.


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